Some may be rated X; sorry. I just collect them. (((hugs)))
Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems.

Collection of Gag gifts with Poems - from Napkin Nipper to Yoyo Worry Angel

Napkin Nipper

A small/craft clothespin was clipped to the card
I am a napkin nipper. When you go to eat,
does your dinner napkin slide down to your feet?
Here is the answer to your prayer.
Now you can eat without a care.
Just clip your napkin to your dress.
Now you can eat without distress.

Napping pad

- note pad & pencil
- while you were napping:
...Mr/Mrs/Ms ____________ called to say:
- do you have her dentures? she has yours
- you walking stick/walker has been found
- forgot what they were wanting

Neighbor Gifting

Gather together items to fill a small bucket with. Some suggestions:
Cookies, candies, etc.
Soaps
Kitchen items
Coupons
Stuffed Animals
Garden items
Popcorn and soda
Once the buckets are ready, place them on the doorstep of your neighbor or friend, and run!
Halloween

#1

The air is cool the season fall
Soon Halloween will come to all
The spooks are after things to do
In fact, a spook brought this to you
"BOO" is a shield from witching hour
Just hang it up and watch its power
On your front door is where it works
It wards off spooks and scary jerks
The treats that came with encrypted note
Are yours to keep, enjoy them both
The power comes when friends like you
Will copy this and make it TWO
Then others here among our friends
Will give warm fuzzies that do not end
We'll all have smiles upon our faces
No one will know who "BOO"ed whose places
Just one short day to work your spell
Or a big ZAP will strike your tail
And don't forget a nifty treat,
Like something cute or something sweet
Please join fun, let's really hear it
And spread some "BOO"s and Halloween spirit.

#2

The Phantom has been here with a treat just for you,
He crept tp your door in a fog misty blue.
This isn't a trick, this treat isn't for free,
Now it's your turn and the Phantom you'll be!
The Phantom loves treats and also loves rhymes.
Take you this paper and copy TWO times.
So he won't strike again, hang this on your window or door.
Take this and a treat and deliver TWO more
To a neighbor or friend in the black of the night.
Pound on their door, and give 'em a fright.
Then by Halloween night, there surely should be
Phantoms on all of the doors that we see.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Love

"This little "Love Bucket" is meant to express
Love from a neighbor whom you'll never guess.
Replace the goodies with a treat from you.
And pass it on to someone whom you love too."

St. Patrick's

March 17th is St. Patrick's Day
When the Leprechauns come out to play,
They sneak around to find some gold
Then steal it and hide it, or so we're told.
But maybe we can trick them too
And then the one with the treasure is you!
Put something gold or silver in the sack
Then close it up and don't look back.
If you're lucky the Leprechauns will add some
And then you have the treasure and they have none!

Thanksgiving

Turkey trot
Turkey run
Time to have
Thanksgiving fun!
Turkey right
Turkey left
Placed some treats
upon your step.
Turkey sandwich
Turkey ham
Gobble up this
Turkey-Gram!

New home

It is an ancient tradition that upon moving into a new home a family should be made welcome with these four earthly symbols:

A Sponge that the house may always be clean.
A Loaf of Bread that there may always be food upon the table.
Sugar that there may be sweetness abounding,
and Salt
that there may be some spice in living.

New meds for men

Here are just a few of the new ones...

BUYAGRA

- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

CAPAGRA

- Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

CHILDAGRA

- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA

- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

DIRECTRA

- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

FLATULAGRA

- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA

- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

LIAGRA

- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA

- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

NEGA-VIAGRA

- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on a former U.S. president

PROJECTRA

- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

PRYAGRA

- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

New Meds for Women

S t . M o m ' s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-All
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

New Puppy Poem

Here's a little kit
to help survive the puppy stage
although there may be times
you'll wished you bought a cage!
Sleepless nights and crying
begging and play biting
the desire to cry and shout
is the urge you're fighting!
But just look at that ball of fur
sweetly fast asleep
(S)he loves you so much
makes your heart skip a beat
So enjoy every moment
of this puppy stage
you'll remember it more fondly
when (name) has come of age.
~©Sue Pitchfork~

New Year's Day Toast

To only be taken out and used on New Years Day!
(Place a piece of toast or Melba Toast in a baggie)
katieangelamber

NICE PILLS

We all know someone who could be a little nicer. Do them and yourself a favor. Provide them with this supply of NICE PILLS. They do wonders for in-laws, bosses, ex-husbands or ex-wives, nosey neighbors.

GROUCHY, HATEFUL people may take two if needed.

Night on the Town

In a craft bag, put a fake $10 bill, an aspirin & a destination tag which reads:
FRAGILE - Handle with care
I am out for the night... If I get drunk, tie this label to my ear and...
SEND ME HOME
Name-------------
Address-----------

Do not knock - just ring the bell & run like heck!!!

Night on the Town Survival Kit
Kit includes:
Destination tag
Cab fare
Headache medication
---idea from Carmen

No excuses

Hold this card to your face & blow on it. (plain white paper)
On the other side:

If it turns green, call your physician.
If it turns brown, call your dentist.
If it turns purple, call your psychiatrist
If it turns red, call your banker.
If it turns black, call your lawyer, & make a will.
If it stays the same color, you are in good health & you have no excuse

No!

mirror
Decorate a small hand mirror & practice saying no, I will not go over my budget!

Nothing in a Jar

https://www.craftsayings.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=550&highlight=jar Did you say nothing?
When you were asked what you wanted for your Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary or Graduation?
Don't you remember saying nothing?
Well, this time someone heard you & searched high & low for just the perfect gift for you.

#1

Your Christmas gift is special
You've been very nice this year
I've thought a lot about this
Because you are so dear.

I wanted to buy a beautiful house
Or perhaps a shiny new car
But instead you can use your imagination
For I've given you Nothing in a Jar.

Now all the things you wish for
And the things you can never get
You can dream for these with your special jar
And you'll never be deep in debt!
Diane Whitman (c)2006

#2

I asked you what you wanted...you said ... nothing
Directions:
Every time you think of something you would like, just jot it down & put it in the jar.
The next time someone asks you what you would like, you will have an answer.
You could have asked for anything:
- a new stereo
- a new car
- diamonds or pearls
- a fabulous vacation
- anything your heart desired!
But no ...you wanted "Nothing".
zilch - nought - nil - zero - zip - diddly squat - nada

nuts about you
a nuts & bolts key ring or a can or nuts.

I get a little screwy
trying to express myself
I'm just a little shy
but I'm your Christmas elf.
There's something I must say
take this whereever you go
as I'm nuts about you
and want to let it show!
(c)Sue Pitchfork

office decision dice

tomorrow
sit on it
yes
today
pass the buck
maybe
regroup
no
file

#1

(or round file) reshuffle
computer is down
gone to lunch
press 1
press 2 (etc.)
this line is busy

Office stamps

- and another thing
- blah, blah, blah
- deal with this
- right office/wrong office
- TMI
- you should know

"Official Santa Sock"

My puppy must have stolen it
On last year's Christmas Eve.
I hope that Santa's toes weren't froze
When he had to leave.
I'm passing it along to you
As quiet as a mouse!
And THIS year if he's lookin' for it
IT WON'T BE AT MY HOUSE!!!!

Old age dice

Maybe make them with some of the things in this poem:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please, lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray.
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young.
And thank you, Dear Lord, for all that you've done.

Old Age Games to Play

Sag, You'e It
Hide & Go Pee
20 Questions shouted into your good ear
Kick the Bucket
Musical Recliners
Simon says something incoherent
Pin the toupee on the bald guy
Red Rover, Red Rover - Nurse says bend over
Spin the bottle of Mylanta
Doc, Doc, Goose

Old age prescription

(use jelly beans in a large prescription bottle)
Gas-- yellow
Constipation--green
Forgetfulness--black
Arthritis--purple
Baldness--white
Deafness--orange
Wrinkles--pink
Sex--red
The red pill may be cut into fourths if needed.

Oldie award

for lasting the distance. of course we are all jealous, but at least we are younger!
One brick short of a full load

- Wrap up a brick, and attach a little note saying that it's the perfect gift for someone who's "one brick shy of a load".
You can do the same sort of thing for one card short of a full deck, a few peas short of a casserole, a sandwich short of a picnic, a few fries short of a happy meal, or one can short of a six pack.

Originial computer
- a pencil

Print: the sharpened end Delete: the eraser end
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy, you just hoped no one would ever find out.

Outhouse kit

The idea came from a stitched sampler but I thought it could be made into a 'kit'.
Rules for the outhouse
Put these items in a bag:
1. Pick your own leaves. (silk leaf, newspaper, etc.)
2. Take a deep breath oruse a clothespin for nose (old-fashioned peg clothespin)
3. Strike a match as own risk (matches; could use the Hillbilly flashlight idea, too)
4. Hole is deeper than it appears (piece of rope, jute, etc)
5. Sit still; squirming causes splinters (tweezers)
6. Toss corn outside & close door to keep chickens out (dried corn, corn cob, mini corn, etc)
7. Stick for spiders & webs (twig)

Over the hill birthday ideas

Ideas: A mug filled with foam with wooden skewers and leaves. On each wooden pick place a prune ( you could use lollipops instead) 50 sucks or to give you get up and go when your get up has went.
A box or assorted items: Bran Cereal ( to keep you going)
A magnifying glass: for that print that seems to be getting smaller.
A whistle: for when you fall and can't get up
A paddle and ball: for your daily exercise
Assorted bottles of candy (pills) Be sure to include blue ones (Viagara)
A cane with a horn attached: To let people know you are coming
A mirror: to reflect on past achievements
If the person plays cards, get a pack of the large print ones
A roll of duct tape: for double chin or tummy tuck
Aspirin: for all the new little aches and pains
Hugs and Kisses: because we really love you

Over the hill diaper cake

The "OVER THE HILL" Diaper Cake.
Imagine the look on their face when they get this gift. And the reaction of all the guests there to celebrate this Milestone Birthday .This cake will be the hit of the party and the most talked about gift there. It would also make a great centerpiece for the table.
This cake can include any of the following:

Depends Diapers
1 Hemorrhoidal ointment
1 Tums
1 Fixodent
1 Denture toothbrush
1 Denture toothbrush cap
1 Denture bath
1 bottle Aspirin
1 Laxative
1 pepto bismal tablets
1 roll Fiber Choice tablets
1 Daily pill box holder

I will have all of these, or replacements of what I didn't have so you will have the same amount of items as listed above.
All decorated with lots of black, gray, white and silver curly ribbon, and suckers that have the ages of either 30, 40, or 50 on them, if available and if requested. The cake is then put in a cellophane bag with lots of curly ribbon on top, and a gift card. What a memorable gift !! One that they will never forget !!

OVT Emergency diaper

THIS EMERGENCY "DIAPER" YOU CAN "DEPEND" ON, COMES IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND IT'S FASHIONED LIKE THE BOX YOU BREAK INTO WHEN THERE'S A FIRE. IT EVEN HAS IT'S OWN LITTLE AXE (PLASTIC, OF COURSE) WHICH HANGS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.
AT THE TOP OF THE BOX IT SAYS:
"IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK OPEN"
THE BACK OF THE BOX HAS A FUNNY POEM WHICH READS"
"IF YOU JUST GOTTA GO
AND YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE YOUR BLADDER COMPLY,
JUST BREAK THIS OPEN
AND HERE'S TO HOPE'N
YOU WILL STAY DEPENDABLY DRY"
OTH face life
- roll of duct tape

OVER THE HILL JELLY BEANS

( Eat the color that signifies your symptom,
or on a really bad day. Eat the whole bag !! )

Black is for the sadness and despair
That comes with getting old
Purple is for the color of your hair
That you'll keep under a scarf and rolled
Red is for the arthritis and hurt
Your feeling more and more
White is for your memory
That you've already lost, I'm sure
Green is for the constipation
More fiber is what you'll need
Orange is for the deafness
Don't worry, You'll learn to lip-read
Pink is for the wrinkles
I'm sorry, But you'll have many
And Yellow is for the sex
Because you won't be getting any

Over the hill make-up kit:

...makeup brush - a cheap paint brush for painting walls.
...Putty knife - for applying make-up
...Pot scrubber - for giving yourself a facial
...Preparation H - for those little baggies under the eyes
Over the hill parking permit
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE EXPIRATION DATE, YOU'LL EXPIRE BEFORE IT DOES. (THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE HANDICAP MIRROR PERMITS. BUT THIS ONE IS STRICTLY FOR OVER THE HILLERS.)

OTH walker

- if found wandering please return me to:
Over the hill home for the aged
100 Year Old street, Geezerville
- has panic button that squeaks
- watch your step
- danger: explosive gasses ahead
- caution: old zone
- warning: protected by senility
- caution: makes frequent stops
Ozark rain gauge

Straight from the hills --
It's all the rage!
Your personal
Ozark Rain Gauge.
--jazbo 29.07.11

Pain in the neck

...travel-size ibuprofen
...plastic vampire teeth
...ice packs
...those neck warmers that you warm up in the microwave
---jazbo 03.04.08
...neck scarf
...hand-held massagers
...muscle rub

Panning for gold
pie pan
Ferrero Rocher candy that is wrapped in gold foil
---tye's grandma
Paper shredder
pair of scissors
Patches

I went to the store to buy some large bandaids for his scrapes and thought about this idea.
You know that there are patches for weight loss, nicotine patches to stop smoking and even a birth control patch...Well, these bandaids got me to thinking about a gag gift idea for the weight loss patch where you simply put the patch over your mouth whenever you have the urge to pig out on junk food.
(the bandaids that I bought would fit perfectly over someone's mouth)Or the same with the nicotine patch.....for the birth control patch , it could be put, well, you know where...
---Deanna

One would be to make a wrapper for the bandaid (like you do for a candy bar) and then put it in a bag with a topper. You can also take the bandaid box and make a wrapper for it. I would prefer just to make a wrapper for the bandaid. The Diet -Aide bandaid would be a great addition to a weight loss survival kit. Add some magic weight loss pills and a couple of other things and you'll have a great survival kit.
---katieangelamber

#1

Dieting Aide
To go on a diet
You've got it made
Just cover your lips
With this Dieting Aide
katieangelamber©2005

#2

No Smoking Aide
To simply quit smoking
You've got it made
Just cover your lips
With this No Smoking Aide
katieangelamber ©2005

...Crafting

It's totally here.
Our progressive times allow you to sport a patch on your body to maintain your hormone levels, curb your appetite(s), and cover your boo-boos. Now, thanks to Dunmire Labs, there's no good reason you can't have a slow, steady stream of creativity delivered into your system through the Mirecle33 Creativity Patch.

1) Apply the patch to your arm, and
2) lead yourself with these affirmations:
I have the ability to be creative.
This patch will help me.
My ideas are unique.
I am a creator.
I'm glad my bones aren't creative.
This creativity patch really works.
I will be creative.
Yes, yes, I will.
I am creative.
I am full of creativity.

"Penny Pincher" :)

A mini spring type clothes pin with a penny clipped in it, and write on the clothespin

Perfect Man
gingerbread man
The perfect man
Is no trouble at all
He is very sweet
As sweet as can be
He never talks back
He's always a treat
And if he gives you any trouble
You can bite his head off.

#1

Merry Christmas , (Cortney) - have I got great gifts for you!
Each creative in their own way, and extremely valuable, too!

Your very own boyfriend pillow to snuggle with at night,
With him, there's no arguments, you'll always be right!

But if such a prospect doesn't do the trick...
Try growing a boyfriend in water, that's quick!

Next gift you see is to build the "PBF" one,
Your own paper doll should be lots of fun!

So we finally resort to the last of the bunch,
Gingerbread man in a jar, he's yours for lunch

So, take this advice from your dear Grandma Jo,
No perfect boyfriend exists, women all know!

We've learned from our experience...there is no such thing ...
No perfect man can be found, they all want to be king!
---©Crafty Me2 2006

#2

Men come in different shapes and sizes
but one thing is true
none of them are perfect
so pick what's best for you.

There's the cuddly shirt type
he'll keep you warm for sure
but when you try and sleep
this guy will probably snore!

Then there's the little guy
who gets bigger with care
he needs constant attention
and dribbles so best beware!

Next is the cut out kind
he'll blow away in the breeze
but if it's looks you're after
he's guaranteed to please.

Lastly there's the sweet guy
he'll get inside your head
but when you wake in the morning
you'll find crumbs in your bed!

All men come with faults
they're not perfect that's for sure
but they can be fun
with flaws you can ignore.
©Sue Pitchfork

#3

Perfect man: no image available

Ginger Bread Man - Recipe for Life
1 Heaping cup of encouragement
1 cup of melted compassion
2 cups of hope
1 cup of love
1 tablespoon of faith (it only takes a little)
2 large attitude
Lots of hugs in assorted sizes

Cream encouragement and compassion together. Add hope, love, and faith. Mix thoroughly until smooth. Slowly add the unbeaten attitude. Batter should be firm but not unyielding. knead gently. Roll in hugs and cut out to the desired shape. Add stars for eyes and a kiss. Bake in a warm oven. Excellent when shared with a friend.

Pet Dust Bunnies

= Dryer lint in a bag with google eyes

Pet rock

You could make adoption certificates and papers for each stone...kinda like the old Cabbage Patch kids...each person could name their stone too!!! (Rocky Balboa? Stone Phillips??? Rock Hudson?? Chris Rock?? Kid Rock?? haha)...anyway, you could place these poor orphaned rocks for adoption...they deserve a good home!!!
Please don't turn this rock away
He's scared and all alone
Won't you please say you will
Give him a good home?
©2004 Jennifer Byerly

Phoneless cord
Phone cord, speaker wire, etc.

#1

This is a very special wire
It's called a PHONELESS CORD
If you love peace and quiet
To be without it, you can't afford!
Doreen Scerri ©2005

#2

Does it really get you agitated
When the phone rings, out of the blue
Well here's and idea to help you rectify it
It works, honest, it's true
If you yearn for peace and quiet
Something you can't often afford
Just throw out that ringing telephone
And buy this phoneless cord
©2005 Yvonne Lowther

#3

For the person who will not be quiet - a phoneless cord.
Wrap it tightly around your neck & dial

pickled "b--bs" (X)

Make little boobs from pantyhose, place in jar add pickling spice then put lid on. Put a tag on the jar saying "Pickled B..bs"

Pickled butts

If you are familiar with making yo-yos, you are ahead of the game. I start out with a circle cut from pantihose similar to making a yo-yo. I centre a cotton ball/cotton puff and pull the thread ends from the stitches until the yo-yo is closed. Knot thread but before cutting it, I stitch to centre of the front side through to the back and tack the yarn before trimming.
After I've made several, I put them in a jar that gherkins or relish came in and add some pickling spices. If the dishwasher hasn't cleaned out all the pickle scent, that's OK because it adds to the aroma of the "PICKLED BUTTS".
---Marie

Here's some picked butts
as a reminder for you
to get off your bum
and do a thing or too!
The grass needs mowing
dogs waiting to be fed
and where are you?
still asleep in bed!
I don't like to nag
you know I'm really sweet
but you'll be in a pickle soon
if you don't get off that seat!
~ © Sue Pitchfork~

#2

May these little pickled butts
remind of your chores to do,
cause if they're not done soon
yours will be pickled too!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

#3

Perhaps this gift will "crack" you up
It's pickled butt delight
Go ahead and take one out
And try a little bite!
(C) 2005 Jennifer Byerly

#4

Here's a little something
straight from the gym to you
all those weight loss junkies
can't believe it's true.
They've worked off their butts
not a bum in sight
I pickled them for you
what a cheeky delight!
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

As you can see through the glass
you have a jar of pickled butt
Some are big
Some are small
Some just aren't very shapely at all.

Piggy Diet Spoon

Glue a toy pig to the spoon bowl
Piggy, piggy in the trough
Help my goal to take it off
Remind me that my jeans are tight
If I try to sneak a bite!
©Jennifer Byerly

#2

Diet spoon do your stuff
If you must then please be tough
Grunt a warning if I lack
Self control and want to snack
©Jennifer Byerly

#3

Little piggy in the spoon
Watching what I eat
He'll squeeeeaaaal loudly
If he sees me cheat
(or last line could be)
If I try to cheat
©2004 lou buffkin

Pig seeds

Asking for suggestions really lets one's imagination go off on a tangent all of it's own!!
*Roll seeds around in your palm before planting to encourage the tails to curl in a circle.
*Oink softly to them while planting and as they grow.
*Mix a few table scraps in the dirt to fertilize them from the start.
*Be sure to fence the planting bed so they don't escape.
*If you want to just grow pork chops or roasts, cut seeds in pieces. If you want bacon, slice seeds very thin.
*Don't plant in view of a bar-b-que pit or grill.
*Do not use empty pork and beans cans to protect seedlings, it will stunt their growth.
*Plant seeds face down so the snouts grow flat and wide instead of long and pointy.
*Be careful not to fall in the hole with the seeds. You wouldn't want to be accused of making a pig of yourself.
---SueZQ

When your meat supply is running low
here are some seeds for replacements to grow.
Follow the directions word for word
and you will have a brand new herd.
©SueZQ

Pimp my workspace

- bling mouse pad
- gold push pins
- gold dollar paper weight
- leopard skin fringe

Pink ribbons

Tiny pink ribbons
folded on our chest.
Tiny pink ribbons
show that we are blessed.
Our lives and bodies
have often times paid
the very painful price,
for cancer to invade.
Some of us will live
but others may die.
We cry and we wonder,
and ask God, why?
But the touch of the Master
no matter how far,
can turn a pink ribbon
into a shining star.
So we cannot fail
or give into despair.
For all of our daughters
with pink ribbons in their hair.

Pity potty

...Chocolate - a must-have
...kleenex or a nice hanky
...a friend suggested a shot glass - for libation of your choice
...confetti
...complaint doll with accompanying pins
Complaints: frustration, anger, hurt feelings, blue, confusion, depression, anxiety, etc.
---or darn-it doll to knock around

I'm having a pity party -
what more can I say?
I'm entitled to one,
once in a while, OK?

It won't last long,
& then I'll be done.
In the meantime,
I need a little fun.
--jazbo 0108

#3

When days are blue
and happiness is spotty,
then have yourself
your own pity potty!

Yell, scream, holler
or even pig out...
whatever it takes...
go ahead and pout.

Just let it all out and vent....
throw things... make a mess.
Throw out every frustration
and flush away the stress.

Pretty soon you'll feel better...
a pity potty is for a short while.
Then think of your blessings
and turn that frown into a smile!
©2008 shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Plan-your-day Dice:

wooden block with Eat, Fish, Nap, TV, Shop, Walk, Cards, Golf, etc., printed on the sides ...Official Over the Hill Certificate - (still working on it; needs a lot of work)

PMS Box

it contains -
PMS Wand
PMS Cream
Stress Relief Cream
Stress Ball

#1

This is a PMS box

guaranteed to make you smile,
everything to help you cope
forget your problems for a while.
A wand to send the world away
some cream for stress relief,
PMS cream and a ball to throw
at anyone who gives you grief!
~Sue Pitchfork~

#2

PMS Therapy

Here's a few things to bring relief
when you start to fret and sweat,
but when it comes on heavy duty
just go straight for the chocolate!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com 2004

PMS Wand

#1

So you think I'm moody,
Think I'm PMS'ing?
Well I've got a cure,
That will teach you a lesson.
My Magic PMS Wand cures me before I see red,
When I hold it up high,
And bop you on your head!
---pam r.

#2

Bloated, moody, head that is pounding?
Feeling so icky, it's almost astounding?
Tired and cranky, every month the same time?
Well here's a cure that is simpler than a mime.
Wave this magic wand for PMS,
And POOF, you are cured, no more stress!
---pam r.

#3

Bloated and bored
Feeling fat and blue
Mood swings and tears
Are really getting to you.
Then wave this little wand
And unplug the phone
Your cares would disappear
If everyone just left you alone!
~Sue Pitchfork~

#4

Here's a magic wand
to keep PMS at bay
for times you feel grouchy
and have a rotten day
Maybe when you wave it
your dreams will come true
but if they don't
you know just what to do.
Turn the wand around
and grip it very tight
then whack the living daylights
out of everyone in sight.
There now that feels better
finally you start to grin
the wand isn't really magic
the power just lays within.
~Sue Pitchfork~

#5

"I'm dealing with hot flashes
And the night sweats make me roar!
I can't quite seem to sleep at night
the way I did before.

My memory is foggy,
My emotions rule the roost.
I swear that I need something
to give myself a boost.

That's why I have this magic wand
Just made for menopause
I can use it as a little fan
when that next hot flash calls.

And when my hormones are raging
and someone makes me see red
I can take my magic menopause wand
and bop them on their head!"
~Shirley Thomas~

Poker pills

Red - To help you keep a straight face
Blue - To remember what beats what
Brown - For energy to stay in the game
Yellow - To give you courage to bet
Orange - To help you unsettle the other players
Green - To remind you it's only a game

Poker time with friends
is a lot of fun
but the aim is to win
and be the lucky one.
So keep a poker face
and look them in the eye
playing hold em poker
with a hand that's high.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Political correctness kit

- Impress your friends! Avoid criticism! Never fear confrontations again! Now, for a limited time only, you can look really wholesome and pious and never have to worry about getting shouted down by crusty curmudgeons with our new "Political Correctness In a Box" starter-kit.

Want to win more arguments? With the PC starter-kit, you are guaranteed to win every argument, or your money back. That means you have nothing to lose, except the time it takes packing the kit back up, taking it to the post-office, having it weighed, paying for postage, having it shipped back to us, and then praying for a refund. Like we said, nothing to lose.

Using the PC starter-kit makes thinking easy. Learn to use your reputation to smite the opposition! Destroy your enemies by playing on the emotions of any nearby on-lookers. It's quick. It's easy. And for only $19.95, it's yours!

Just imagine being above suspicion of any wrongdoing by shamelessly latching onto the most wholesome side of any issue. If someone questions your integrity, tell them that you're pro-family! If anyone brings up tax-cuts, healthcare, or the hole in the ozone layer, go on and on about the children! What can they say? Are they against all of these wholesome things? Of course, not, which means they dare not respond. You see? You just can't lose!!! With the PC starter-kit, you'll get all of these gems and much, much more.

And don't be fooled by cheap imitations. The Political Correctness In a Box starter-kit is the real deal. Other aids for the rationally challenged often cost thousands and offer no help at all. With the PC starter-kit, you'll get a five volume powerhouse of instructional self-help genius written by a well-known but unmentioned pop-psychologist. Also included is a helpful collection of illiterate-friendly audio cassettes with additional tips and tricks straight from the major heavyweights of the U.S. news media.

Poor women's b--b job
take 2 flesh or clear balloons a straw and put on a topper that reads:
Poor Women's B--b Job
directions: insert balloon into bra pocket, insert straw into balloon and blow to desired size, add clip or knot to prevent shifting of size or air escape. repeat for other side. Caution: stay away from sharp objects and avoid over squeezing!

Popcorn Gift

Poem to attach to a bag of microwave popcorn (before its popped!)
When the hustle and bustle
Of the day get to you
And daily life just
Seems to make you blue
Then it's time for you
To take a little rest
Just relax from all
Those daily quests.
Before you lose it
All completely
And you think
You're going to drop
Just get out
This little packet
And let the popcorn pop.
Before you know it
Worries will seem
To end
And you will be smiling
Once again my friend.

Porcupine eggs
- baggie of cockleburrs, sweet gum balls, small pine cones, etc.

PORK AND BEANS

Glue a small pig on the lid of a baby food jar and inside the jar add some dried beans. Or just put a toy pig in the jar with the beans.

Prayer spool

Small spool of thread in a bag with this saying:
Just a reminder
A day hemmed in prayer seldom comes unraveled

Pride & joy cards

When friends and relatives start showing snapshots, (and they usually do). Ask if anyone would like to see your "Pride and Joy". Of course they will say yes. Show this card and watch the smiles. Picture shows a Pride furniture polish and Joy Dish Soap Bottles
.

PRUNE BOQUET

A floral arrangement with purple flowers and put the little packages of prune on wire and inserted them in the bouquet so they were always fresh

#1

For a "regular" kind of person
"Moving slowly" is truly no fun.
Partake of a prune from this bouquet
And you'll soon be "on the run"!

#2

When things aren't moving along quite up to speed
This bouquet of prunes is what you need
You could even say they are "Heaven sent"
When your 'get up and go' has got up and went!

#3

You're over the hill now, you surely know
Constipation's no surprise,
We all know the way to save the day
It's right here before your eyes!
You're over the hill now, and thus it seems
To keep your old body from ruin,
An aspirin a day keeps arthritis at bay,
To keep "going", just pluck a prune!

Notes from Marie:
. I've also put individual prunes wrapped in either Saran or cellophane on a bamboo skewer.
.You could black spray paint either an inexpensive glass/plastic vase or basket depending on how big a bouquet you want to make; also spray paint baby's breath black to use as filler (or you could leave it white for contrast).

Pumpkin seed

A pumpkin seed's a little thing
When it's planted in the spring
But, oh the fun that it can bring.
At Halloween it turns into
A pumpkin pie for me and you
Or Jack-o'-lantern that says BOO!

Pumpkin soup
Coffee mug
1 package of hot chocolate mix
Candy bar
10-15 pieces of candy corn
Colorful plastic wrap
Orange or black thin ribbon
What you do:
1.Using warm water and a little dish soap wash out the mug. You can find inexpensive coffee mugs at your local craft stores.
2.Once the mug is dried completely, wrap all the other items is the plastic wrap.
3.Attach the colored ribbon by tying it to the "twist" of plastic wrap you have created.
4.Attach the Pumpkin Soup tag to the twisted up plastic wrap.
5.You can staple it over the "twist" to create a finished look.
6.Don't forget to sign the gift tag!

Poem

Halloween is aglow
Lots of candy for trick-or-treating
Lots of neat costumes to show.
Kids dressed as goblins, pumpkins, and witches,
All meeting for a special night
Of bobbing for apples
In the cool fall weather we'll roam,
Carving jack o'lanterns, and won't get home
Until even the werewolves are slumbering.
This is a friendly note to say,
Have fun, stay warm, be safe,
Have a very Happy Halloween!

Quarter pounder
...toy hammer with a quarter

Quilt in a Jar
Use small jelly jars & put in some fabric squares & batting. Decorate the lid.

#1

This quilt in a jar
Is an 'instant' mix.
Just add some stitches
To get your quilting fix.
Most quilts warm the body
But this one's to warm your heart,
By serving as a reminder
That I think of you a lot.
To help you keep it clean all year
And keep from losing it too -
I put it in a jar
And canned it just for you!

#2

Quilter's Salsa

Take a Mason Jar (pint size), fill it with buttons, embellishments, beads, seed beads, star sequins, snowflake trim, etc. Cover the lid with a piece of fabric tied on with ribbon. Attach a card which says:

Quilter's Salsa

Spice up your quilting projects
For the woman who appreciates fine vintages

**WARNING** Quilt Pox

how about putting a piece of quilted fabric in a ziplock, along with the Quilt Pox Poem and instructions to break open the bag and rub quilt piece on your face to get temporary/immediate relief of the symptoms until you can make it to a fabric store? You can call it a Quilter's emergency Kit. --Carmen

Very Contagious to Adults
Symptoms:

Continual complaint as to need for snuggling under a handmade quilt. Patient has blank expression, sometimes deaf to spouse, kids, and friends. Has no taste for bedspreads or electric blankets. Hangs out at Quilting Bees. Mumbles to self "Log Cabin," "Double Wedding Ring," "Ohio Rose, "Need Fat Quarters."
NO KNOWN CURE

Treatment:

Medication is useless; disease is not fatal. Victim should attend as many Quilt Shows and visit as many Quilt Shops as possible.
Raining money
Dollar bills in a closed umbrella. When it is opened, it rained money!

Rainbow seeds

Put Skittles candy into a pretty plastic bag. (You can also use jelly beans, removing the black ones.) Tie closed with raffia or ribbon. Could also put in some container. Attach this gift card:

If I could catch a rainbow I would do it Just for you
And share with you Its beauty On the days You're feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain You could call Your very own
A place to find serenity A place to be alone.
If I could Take your troubles I would toss them In the sea
But all these things I'm finding Are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain Or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be What I know best - A friend That's always there.

Random act of kindness

Within myself I felt the call to open up my heart.
To reach inside where kindness grows and share with you a part.
There is no need to thank me, or pay me for my deed.
Just think of this small token as something of a seed.
In your soul you'll plant it, and watch it till it grows.
When it's time to share it, your heart will let you know.
Then you will brighten someone's day,
In a free and random way.
--written by CHIA

Rattlesnake eggs

Imagine showing a mysterious envelope to your friends. On the outside of the envelope are warnings about the contents, letting people know that whatever is inside is very dangerous. The envelope isn't flat, there is obviously something in there. You tell everyone that the envelope contains rattlesnake eggs, and if they're very careful they can take a peek. You lift the flap, you hold the envelope out, they bend close to peer inside, and you carefully open the envelope......and your friends jump like crazy when a loud rattling sound buzzes from inside the envelope!

1. A mailing envelope.
2. A wire coat hanger.
3. A rubber band.
4. A large coat button.

The first thing to do is to cut the hook end of the coat hanger off, as shown in step 1 over on the right. The easiest way to do it is to use a pair of snips or dykes (cutting pliers), but if you must you can just bend the soft metal of the hanger hook back and forth until it breaks. Be careful, the edges might be sharp!

Next, thread the rubber band through the button holes.

The only fiddly bit is the size of the button. Too small, and it won't spin right to make the noise, too big and you'll have the same problem. Look through mom's button box and find a few to try. The ends of the rubber bands go over the ends of the wire hook. Then you just wind up the button until the rubber bands are twisted tight. If you let go of the button now, you'll see how it spins rapidly. Inside the envelope, the button will snap against the paper sides which creates the loud buzzing sound that startles people.

Don't forget to write dire warnings on the outside of the envelope! Things like "Danger: Rattlesnake Eggs" and "Do Not Crush: Rattlesnake Eggs" are good. Skulls and Crossbones are always fashionable.

To use, wind up the button and slip it inside the envelope. Hold the sides so the button doesn't move and give away the trick until you're ready. You can even peek inside yourself while holding the button. When everyone is looking inside, slightly open the envelope and let it buzz!

Reality check

Bank of HOWZITWURKINFERYA
Date:_______________
Make payable to:______________________________
On account of:________________________________

Reality Check
If you are not experiencing the desired results -DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
Because what you are doing is not working.
©jazbo 1.06

#1

You're living beyond your means
your life is one big wreck
your head's up in the clouds
time for a reality check!
Take off the rose colored glasses
then look around and see
you need to make some changes
I'm sure that you'll agree.
So howzitwurkinferya?
is the question you must face
you can become the solution
with determination - set the pace!
(c)Sue Pitchfork

Recipe book

Although you don't like to cook
Just open it wide
And you can decide
To call in, or burn it outside.

Relaxation

Nice for those little 'extras'. . . package together:
1 bath fizz ball,
1 candle/tea light
1 scrumptious bonbon....
(I packaged mine in crocheted boxes with pastel tissue paper and shimmery ribbons)
a votive candle
matches
include the following:
Instructions for use
1. Light candle
2. Lock Bathroom Door
3. Drop bath bead into warm bath
4. Soak in Bath
5. Eat Chocolate .
.... ...Result: Complete Relaxation Serves One
--by Beth CT

Retire-mints

To make your retirement pleasant for those around you, take retire-mints, the pill that'll keep your breath fresh during those long hours in front of the television set. Enjoy minty breath while you forge ahead with mind boggling tasks like changing channels, turning up the volume, getting snacks and complaining.
~Author unknown~

#2

Retirement time has arrived
And it's left you feeling blue
This doctor has just prescribed
These retirement pills for you
katieangelamber © 2005
1 blue-when you find yourself missing the job
1 green pill- when you are totally bored
1 yellow pill- for when you wake up early and the alarm hadn't been set
1 orange pill-for when you're feeling old or useless
1 brown pill-for when you Excoworkers stop bye reliving old times
1 red pill- to give you the energy of a man/woman 1/3 your age
Eat Whole Bag-when you start considering going back to work

Return to sender - Christmas card

Cut a circle of the picture, crochet an edging or glue ruffle, rickrack, lace to edge or glue on to a pre-made lace doily. They make great gift tags, or ornaments this way. On the reverse, add the poem:

Last year this card you sent to me,
With wishes Merry as can be,
To keep those wishes onward flowing,
Now back to you this card is going,
Changed a bit by a loving hand,
In hopes your holidays are GRAND!

Reusable Christmas card

Wrap a toilet paper holder in pretty, red, cellophane. Tie at the top. Then add a big gold bow...print out a tag that says "Money's tight and times are hard.... So here's a reuseable Christmas card!" "MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Rice or Stress Bags

Cut a piece of fabric, 15x6. Sew around 3 sides; turn RS out. Sew lengthwise down the middle, forming 2 'tunnels'. Fill each tunnel with long grain rice. Add cinnamon sticks, rosemary, tea tree oil, chamomile, flax see, aromatherpy oils, etc. Stitch the open end closed.
Warm - by placing in nuker 1-2 min.
Cold - put in plastic bag & freeze for 2 hrs.

roll in the hay"
pieces of straw and put in cellophane bags with a tootsie roll and a tag

I know you like excitement
so this will make your day.
This gift is all you could ask for
Here it is.....A roll in the hay!

Roll of money

Cut a slot in a toilet paper tube. Then tape 20, $1 bills end to end. Roll up & insert in tube. Put a 'pull here' tag on the first bill, hanging out of the slot. Wrap the tube in tissue, exposing the slot.

Round TUIT
Write or type this verse and using a small wooden circle with Tuit written on it. Glue both to a card or put into snack bag.
Paper pieced pattern -
https://www.paperpanache.com/pdfs/sMB21.pdf Stick tuit -
https://duittuit.com/sticktuit.htm
Crochet over a CD -

#1

The faucet that leaks,
The hinge that squeaks.
The crack in the door,
The hole in the floor.
You said you'd do it,
Just as soon as you could
get around to it.
Now the round tuit is here,
So my friend never fear,
You'll have all the time to do it,
Since from this day you can't get
away with the excuse,
WHEN I GET A ROUND TUIT.

#2

Round Tuit

We are all related
and want to stay in touch,
just a card or greeting
a hello means so much.
But life gets so busy
and time just slips away,
so before you know
it's the end of another day.
So I'm giving you a tuit
attached to a key chain,
a reminder to stay in touch
with your cousins now and again.
~Sue Pitchfork~

#3

When I get around to it
I promise I will write,
I promise I will call
but maybe not tonight.
I will get around to it
eventually I will,
but know I'm thinking of you
and I love you still.
So now I have a tuit
my excuses have run out
I'll get around to it
If you promise not to shout!
~Sue Pitchfork~

#4

Whenever we meet upon the street
Or at some other place
We smile and say have a good day
But our lives are one big race
We promise then to keep in touch
We often say we'll do it
So here's a keychain just for you
To remind you to get round tuit
(C0 0404 Yvonne Lowther

#5

How often do we promise
To meet or keep in touch
How many times do we do it
It doesn't take that much
So here's a little reminder
To help you to remember to just do it
Pick up the phone or send a card
When you get around tuit
(c) 0404 Yvonne Lowther

#6

Its just a little keychain
Its message is quite plain
Don't forget to get round tuit
And keep in touch again
(C) 0404 Yvonne Lowther

#7

I'll get around to it tomorrow
Or sometime, we hear you claim
So just in case you do forget
I'm sending you this chain
It'll remind you that we're waiting
To hear your voice or see your face
So keep this keychain in your view
Till we meet again, someplace
(c) 0404 Yvonne Lowther
br # 8 - Certificates to go with round tuits:

#A -

This is to Certify that ______________

has been awarded A ROUND TUIT

for finally getting around to______________

on this date___________ Presented by __________

#B

Presentation of A ROUND TUIT

to _________________

You have been putting off ________________________ for ages,

but now there will be no more problems getting 'around to it'.

Presented by: ____________________

#C

Presentation of A ROUND TUIT

to PRE-PRINTED NAME

You have been putting off PRE-PRINTED TASK / JOB for ages,

but now there will be no more problems getting 'around to it'.

Presented by: PRE-PRINTED NAME

# 9 -

Tuit's are hard to come by...
Especially round ones.

After years of searching I have finally managed to obtain a round Tuit.
No longer will I have to wait to do all those tasks I have put off.

So guard this one and
Never lose it.
Don't let anyone take it away from you.
Now that you have one,
There should be fantastic results.

#1

0 -ave heard people say,e Lord should finally get one.
Have you ever said,
"I'll go visit a Friend
as soon as I get a round Tuit."
Or
"I'll read my Bible
when I get a round Tuit"?

Perhaps you have used one of these,
"I'll go to church or join an organization
if I get a round Tuit.."
"I'll help my parents or neighbors,
I'll help the needy,
I'll say a prayer for someone,
I'll do a good deed,
I'll tell a friend about God,
I'll tell someone I love you,
I'll visit a sick friend,
if I get a round Tuit."

These are all in the past.
Great new things will be in
store for you in the future.

FOR NOW YOU HAVE A ROUND Tuit.

#1

1 -

A Round Tuit

This is a Round Tuit.
Guard it well because tuits
are hard to obtain.
Especially the round ones.
This indispensable item
will help you become a more
efficient person. For years
you have heard people say,
"I'll do it as soon as I get
a round tuit." Now that
you have one, you can
accomplish all those
things you put off
until you got a
round tuit.

#1

2 - On a card background, put a 1" wooden disc with "Tuit" on it, in a small craft bag, tied onto the card with 1/8" ribbon in a bow. Include this poem on the card:

Looking for the perfect gift?
Well, my friend, this is the one.
Now there can be no excuse
When 'fix it' jobs aren't done.
He always says he'll do the
Job when he gets around to it.
Well, this little item sure is round, & look -
It's called a TUIT!!!!
---idea by Carmen

#1

This is a tuit and tuits are rare
Especially the round ones, so guard it with care
How many times have you heard someone say
(or said it yourself at least six times a day)
"One of these days I really will do it...
I'll do it as soon as I get round tuit"
Well here's your round tuit, good luck to you,
Now there's no limit to what you can do!

Round tu-it in a match book

You know what we say:
"I'll get a round to it."
Here's a 'round tu-it' seed -
All that's left is - DO IT.
©jazbo 09.06

Round tuit seeds
Make a match book cover & put a lifesaver candy inside. Add these poems:

#1

You said you would do it
When you got a "round tuit"
So open up and pop one in
then get a "round tuit" with a grin
---Marina

#2

You know what we say:
"I'll get a round to it."
Here's a 'round tu-it' seed
- All that left is - DO IT.
---jazbo 09.06

rubber bands
Build your own rubber band ball kit

#1

At first glance, these are just a bunch of rubber bands. However, we can learn a lot about ourselves from this humble office staple.
We can learn how to -
- band together & support each other
- show flexibility in diverse situations
- snap back after a set-back
- stretch & grow with new ideas
- expand our job skills
---jazbo 1006

#2

Rubber Bands not only hold things together....
Here's a list of other things they do......
When you see a humble little Rubber Band.
I hope it also inspires you
........cmax

Rubber chickens

-Chicken soup

Use one of those safety can openers & open the bottom of a can large enough to put the chicken in. Maybe someone could make a label for chicken soup.
Egg noodles
Feathers
Toy chicken

- Chick flick

Give one with a movie in a basket with popcorn, etc..
- Just chicken up on you Get well basket. include chicken, can of chicken noodle soup, kleenex, etc.
- if this doesn't make you smile, I'll suspect 'fowl' play

- Valentine

with love, From your favorite chick.
no 'fowlin'! I'm yours
our love is something to crow about
Don't be chicken - say you'll be mine
- Birthday, Christmas present
cheep gift

- Keep in touch
haven't heard a peep out of you - keep in touch gift; stationary, fancy pen, etc.

- Good news
something to crow about

-Congratulations

peep it up!
-Sayings
- birds of a feather, flock together - a gag friendship gift
- like a chicken with it's head cut off - when life gets hectic
- best of cluck - for someone who is moving, etc.
- it's easy to be an angel till someone ruffles your feathers
- kitchen closed = this chick has had it!
---jazbo 24.02.09
-

This chick has had it. Kitchen is CLOSED....

Dang-it chicken
- Get a chip can & wash it well; let dry. Decorate it as desired. Insert a rubber chicken with this
poem:
When things are bad & you've taken a lickin',
Here's just what you need - a dang-it chicken!
Grab it by the legs & find a safe place to bang it,
feeling better with each hit, yelling -
Dang it! Dang it! Dang it!
---jazbo 0509

Rudolph Nose

How to make your own Rudolph nose
red balloon
glow stick
1. activate the glow stick by bending & shaking until it glows brightly
2. half inflate the red balloon
3. holding the top of the balloon tightly slide the glow stick inside
4. fully inflate balloon & tie off.
5. turn out the lights & enjoy.

Rudolph's Spare Noses
(Red Hots or Red M&Ms)
#1

Rudolph's nose is very bright
He helps guide Santa's sleigh
Without it in the dark night sky
They might not find their way.
So just in case dear Rudy's nose
Is kaput and goes on the blink
We have these spare "red nose seeds"
To repair him in a wink!

#2

Rudolph has a job to do
Every Christmas Eve,it's true.
His nose will always light the way
For Santa and his tiny sleigh,
But if his nose should ever go out
Don't cry or whine or yell or pout.
Take out this bag and use a bit.
From Rudolph's Red Nose repair kit

Sandman

items include : beach hat/visor
sunglasses
sand shovel and pail
and black stones for his mouth and nose
Just add sand !! --kiki

#1

Next time you're at the beach
take this kit along
just add some sand
for a sandman big and strong.
Use the spade and bucket
to make him take form
add glasses and a hat
and watch him transform.
Stones for eyes and features
and a friend you've made
but wear some sunscreen
or build him in the shade.
(c)Sue Pitchfork

#2

- My version
Sandman kit.
One of those sleeping masks, some glitter in a small bag, & a cutout of a clock with no hands. --jazbo 18.04.12

Instructions: Sprinkle glitter on pillow before bedtime. Put on sleeping mask & put clock under your pillow. A kiss for sweet dreams.

- send me a dream: picture of a dream guy

- make his complexion like peaches & cream: small glass for milk or milk duds, peach-flavored candy

- Hershey's kiss - for sweet dream

Santa's magic bell
- the bell still rings for those who truly believe

#7

Santa's not a happy man,
he's lost his nuts, you see.
Mrs. Claus was mad with him
so she passed them on to me
She says he won't be needing them
So I wondered what to do
I don't really want them for myself
So I'm giving them to you!
©Marina

#8

So you've not been quite good
and fear Santa's not a happy man.
Well, you're not getting nuttin'...
you're getting the whole big can!
©2006 shirleyt@craftsayings.com

#1

Santa's nuts, & so are you!
Have a nut, with a laugh too.
---jazbo 12.09

~ Santa's Reindeer Whistle ~

This special whistle is charged with magic.
It lets Santa's reindeer know that it's time
to deliver Christmas presents
Sound the whistle once and then head for bed.
The sound from Santa's Reindeer Whistle is
heard high in the skies to let the reindeer know
your house is ready for Christmas.

Santa's repair kit

The Santa Repair Kit is an ornament made from a spool of red thread. Cover the ends of the spool with felt or funfoam circles. Thread a jingle bell with string or gold cord and thread up from the bottom through the center of the spool and leave it long enough to make a hanger. Glue some buttons and pins with the beaded heads and safety pins on the top of the spool. Attach a tag with the poem.

When Santa comes down the chimney
Should he get a rip or tear,
Keep this on your Christmas tree
So he can make a quick repair.

Santa's stinky socks

Pair of Decorative Christmas Socks
Potpourri
Curling Ribbon
What to Do:
Stretch out those holiday socks, tug and pull. Fill with Potpourri until firm. Using the curling ribbon, tie off the top and leave some ribbon hanging decoratively. then attach this tag i do not like the ending as if you r giving this as a gift maybe some one can tweak this a little

Santa's Stinky Socks"
On Christmas Eve I crept downstairs
Just to have a peek
And there was Santa on my chair
Warming up his feet
His shoes and socks were on the floor
When old Rudolph shouted 'Please'
Hurry up we've work to do
Our hooves have started to freeze
Santa jumped to his feet
Grabbed his things
AS he raced out to his sleigh
He dropped this sock onto my floor
Now when you visit our house
Just look what's on our tree
It's a very special Christmas sock
It belonged to Santa once - you see.

Santa Switches

Place several switches in a small brown paper bag, allowing them to stick out the top. Tie with curly ribbon and attach the following poem:

Cause you've not been as good as you could,
You're not getting what you thought you would.
No toys or goodies under the tree,
Just ashes and switches from little ole me.
---Santa

Saving for therapy

- Get a tin money box, and redecorate it with a label saying "saving for therapy". Perfect for friends who "have problems". Make sure your friend isn't too sensitive. You want them to laugh, not cry

School bus driver

Each time your bus doors open
I'm confident to see
That you're the one who's driving
The other kids and me
You greet us with a smile
Each and every day
Always ever cheerful
As we travel on our way
So here's a little present
I'd like to give to you
To let you know I'm thankful
And appreciate you too!
©2004 Jennifer Byerly

#2

I'll bet it is a challenge
To drive a bus each day
Children can be noisy
As you travel on your way
I'm thankful that you're willing
To do the job you do
To show how much I mean it
This gift is just for you!
©2004 Jennifer Byerly

#3

I promise to stay in my seat while the bus is still moving & to not stick my gum under the seat. I will enter & exist in an orderly manner. NOT! I promise not to fight & not to throw things out the window or make obscene gestures at passing motorists....because I am the bus driver. .. I am the driver...I AM THE DRIVER!

School Bus Driver Angel
I'll watch over all
while you drive,
and keep order til
you safely arrive.
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

School Bus Driver Angel
I'll watch over as you deliver
your most precious cargo,
and help you not quiver as
paper planes & spitballs let go!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

School Bus Driver Angel
An angel to watch
over your yellow bus,
and help to deliver
the precious cargo to us.
by Margie

School Bus Driver's Prayer
May my road not be bothered
by rain, sleet or snow.
May we reach safe and sound
all the places that we go.

#2

May the roads be clear
and the traffic not slow.
May your drive not be hindered
by rain, sleet, or snow.
May we arrive safe and sound
All the places we go.

Scrapbooking Vitamins

RX Pharmacy
Scrapbooking Vitamins
Yellow - Idea Enricher
Pink - Energy
Green - Journaling Jazz
Blue - Creativity

Take as needed.
Refills: at your discretion
CAUTION:
...This medication, combined with scrapbooking, may have serious side effects or can be addictive.
...May cause drowsiness due to sleepless nights; during all-night crops.
...Keep this & all scrapbooking supplies away from children. They will steal your stickers & take your medicine.

Scratch your mad place

Put some sand paper or steel wool in a baggie with this topper:

When you are mad
and want to punch face,
instead just grab this
and scratch your mad place.
---jazbo

#2

When you get that angry feeling
Pull yourself up short with grace
Grab this handy scratcher (or sand paper. or steel wool, etc)
And wildly scratch your mad place
...katieangelamber ©2005

#3

When your blood is boiling
and your tempers rising fast
try to count to ten
and make your patience last.
Find a place that's private
where no one else can see
and scratch your mad place
you'll feel better I guarantee.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Senility prayer

- Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked; the good forutne to run into the people I do like, and the eyesige to tell the differ

SENIOR CITIZEN'S MONEY CLIP

Leave enough space in the middle to glue a penny in a paper clip.

Senior dress code

Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts..........

Senior moment award

- senior moments happen

Sewing Jar

In this little jar, you will see
A sewing kit to you from me.
Needles, thread & buttons, too
To help with the mending you do.
Scissors, pins are all within
And a band aid when you prick your skin.
---author unknown

#2

scraps so pretty
a quilter's delight.
Pins & needles
Come in handy? They might...
Buttons & thread
All to make a mend
If you rip your pants
When you lean to bend.
---Joy Prance

#3

needles, pins & spools of thread
a tape with which to measure;
tiny scissors & much more
all for your sewing pleasure!!
--2004 kelli williams

Shampoo warning

I figured out why i'm getting fat: the shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body saids for extra volume and body. So I am going to start using Dawn dishwashing soap because it dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove. -unknown

Shopper beware

You see something you like,
And to save money, you say:
"I can make that at home,
one of these days!"

But we both know you won't
and that's a fact;
So just buy it today,
and that will be that!

You'll have the item, &
a 'pattern', too.
So buy it or leave it --
It's all up to you!
(C) jazbo 0906

"I know you can make it yourself, but WILL you?"
Your husband called, he said to get anything that you want"
"No charge for browsing"
"Browsers Welcome, Buyers Adored"
"while browsing has been free, exiting will cost $1.00. Free with purchase"...

I don't charge you for browsing
I love the fact you stopped to look
But please don't say 'I can make that'
It's a no no in my book

No because I know you won't
Even though you say you can, you see
And no because I know you probably
Won't have the time, unlike me

You see I spend many precious hours
Crafting to make these for you
Trying to bring a little sunshine
Tagged with a smile or two

So if you think you can really make something
Then please feel free to try
But how often is this sentence heard
As folk are walking by

It's nice to meet fellow crafters
To share and idea or two
But today I'm trying to sell my wares
To people including you

So please stop and browse or have a chat
Let's discuss the how and why;
But don't tell me you can make it,
Unless you're really going to try
(c)2006 Yvonne Lowther

Shop till you drop

- Large purse, shopping bag, etc.
- Bag holder - make from fabric, crochet one or use a pill bottle that has been covered in paper or fabric; roll up a handle bag & put it in the holder
- Bag this - any kind of a shopping bag
- Balloon - to float a lone when you run out of money
- Battery - in case you need to 'charge' something
- Binoculars - to spot all those good deals
- Check book cover
- Chocolate for energy
...Coin purse
- for spare change
- time for a change
...Coupon holder
...Credit card surgery - in case you get carried away with all your spending
- scissors: cut your losses
...Credit cards (save a bunch of those fake ones that come in the mail)
...Cushioned insoles
...Deer - to ward off 'buck' fever
...Directions to local malls
...Dollar bills - change is good but dollars are better
...Economic Depression

Debtrol
Subprimacare
Panix
Greedquil
Feariflu
Defaulta
Forclosen
Nuvopor
Colapsin
Scamagan
Defeatra
Corruptol

--Reader's Digest by Peter Scallion
...Extra checks
...Extra pens - for jotting down notes or writing checks
...Firecracker - get more bang for your buck
...Foot soak - for tired feet
...Funny money - just in case
...Gift certificates
...Hot beverage packet - whenever you need a boost
...Lucky Penny
- for good luck
- to remind you to keep a 'cents' of humor
...Money Tree Seeds/Gag Gift.....

The little bag was filled with Lima beans that had $ signs painted on them; split peas & green glitter; tiny money confetti;

How often have you heard, that money
doesn't grow on trees?
Well my friend, take a look at these!!
Seeds to grow a money tree, so you
can have a shopping spree.......

These rare seeds that I found, need to
be planted in the ground....
If they don't grow within a week, another
place to plant, you'll have to seek.....

If your tree doesn't start to grow real soon...
Dig them up, and wait for a full moon.....
If these tips don't grow you a money tree,
The lesson learned, is, Nothing's for Free.

Or the last line could be...
The lesson learned, is, Nothing in Life is Free....
-by gingersnap

#2

...Money Tree Starter Kit

Follow these simple steps:
Plant seeds in a warm spot, dollar sign pointing up.
Tree will grow upside down if planted wrong.
Do NOT mention the words invest or stocks if
standing in the vicinity os seeds. Doing so may cause
stunted growth.
Be patient. It takes a long time to grow your own money tree.
For best results, shout "I want to be a millionaire" while watering the seeds.

...No! mirror Decorate a small hand mirror & practice saying no, I will not go over my budget!
..."Penny Pincher" A mini spring type clothes pin with a penny clipped in it, and write on the clothespin
...Piggy bank - for all the money you save (You can use a real one but somewhere I saw one made out of fabric that was flat)
...Pocket change - pocket cut from jeans with money in it
...Raining money Dollar bills in a closed umbrella. When it is opened, it rained money!
...Shopping list
...Short on dough - roll of cookie dough
...Small notebook
...Snacks - so you don't have to stop for meals
..."Sold" signs - to hold something while you get more money
...Stop sign - the buck stops here
...Tennis shoes - for all the running around you will do
...2-headed coin - for when you need to flip a coin when you need to make a decision
...Umbrella - for all those rain checks
...Validated parking tickets
...Voodoo doll
feet hurt
high prices
no sales
out of money
over-drawn
rude shoppers
...Watch - a broken one so you don't have to watch the time
---jazbo 22.08.10

Short on Dough

Attach a bow to a roll of cookie dough with this note:
We thought this would come in handy since everyone's a little short on dough around Christmas time.
Shredded wheat in a little bag.
The card topper says:
" My wild oats have turned into shredded wheat"

Sight gags
a bunch of dates = calendar
a match in a bottle of water = swimming match
seen at a ball game = pitcher
rock, jingle bell = jingle bell rock
you bake with this - flower (flour)
is of the earth - salt
may be in the road - fork
lights the way - candle
sometimes it flies - saucer
a reflection can be seen - mirror

Singing in the shower

- Cut a bath sponge into the shape of a microphone, for that (annoying) family member who always sings in the shower.

Sink the balls

A game for Men
Suitable for ages 2 - 102.

Needed:
3 ping pong balls marked to look like targets with points of 20, 25 and 50.
A notepad and pencil to hang in the bathroom or a little blackboard and chalk.

Rules:

See how many times you can sink each ball
Add 10 points for keeping the balls in the centre of the toilet bowl.
Minus 20 points if balls leave the bowl.
Keep it clean.
Only one player at a time.

~A BATHROOM GAME~

Sinking the balls
is the name of the game
and it's been designed
to help improve your aim.

Float the balls
Ready, Aim, Fire
write up your score
for others to admire.

Now wash your hands
and clean up any spills R> and congratulate yourself on your firing skills.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~
Sleepyhead award
- certificate of distinction. for amazing us with your incredible ability to nap in any place, at any time.

Smart pills
- "Having trouble concentrating? Take some smart pills! Please see your teacher if symptoms persist". Actual gift is some Nestle Smarties (giant smarties if you can find them). Wrap in brown paper and attach your own prescription or label.

Smiles

(could be anything with a smile on it)
- smiles are contagious; be a carrier
- it's a nice reflection on you
- fresh air is good for your teeth

The colorful smiles I'm giving you
are not priceless works of art,
but they remind me of your smiling face
and the way it always warms my heart.
©SueZQ 2011

#2

A smile is a
~~curve~~
that sets
everything
straight

#3

~A LONG DISTANCE SMILE~

A smile in your pocket
to cheer you through the day
a reminder I am with you
even if I'm far away.
Smiles travel great distances
but the meaning is the same
a smile is universal
and friendship is it's aim.
©Sue Pitchfork

#4

~TO CHEER YOU SMILE~

Sometimes life is hard
and filled with despair
but a smile can be found
look you'll see it there.
When you see this smile
let it warm your heart
for days ahead are brighter
and troubles will depart.
©Sue Pitchfork

#5

~JUST FOR FUN SMILE~

A reminder to be happy
to count your blessings too
tickle your funny bone
and to yourself be true.
Life is an adventure
so embrace it with zest
for those who keep smiling
enjoy their life's the best.
©Sue Pitchfork
...............................

#6

~SMILE STONES~

White - A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Blue - The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.
Green - Everyone smiles in the same language.
Orange - Smile - sunshine is good for your teeth

If you don't have a smile
I'll give you one of mine
these are sent with love
to help your face shine.
A smile starts on your lips
and spreads to your heart
so use these kisses
and frowns will soon depart.
©Sue Pitchfork

#7

Smoke alarm

bag of jiffy pop popcorn

A smoke alarm
with a built in treat
when it starts popping
it's time to eat!
©Sue Pitchfork

snap dragon

...Thought I'd let you know that I am now in the Snapdragon part of my life.
Part of me has lost its snap, and the other part is Draggin!
Snap - party popper that is popped;
half of a clothing snap;
broken rubber band;
piece of elastic that is stretched out;
one of those little poppers you throw to pop at 4th of July;
Dragon - Dragon, draggin' - an anchor;
ball & chain;
toy dragon
drag chute (like on a dragster);
remember car draggin'?
...make one as a seed packet;
snapdragons flowers and use them as the gag

#1

I'm making this announcement
It's personal to me
I feel I've reached the time of life
Known as 'the snapdragon years' you see

I know you're probably smiling
Thinking that I'm braggin'
But the truth is part of me's lost my snap
And the other part is draggin'
©2005 Yvonne Lowther

Snore stopper

spring-type clothespin
Silences senior seismic sinus sounds

Snowman repair kit

Mini marshmallows, orange tictacs, mini choc chips "snowmen come unassembelled"

Snowman Seeds

Put a dozen or so novelty or paper punched snowflakes in a small craft bag. Add this tag:
Snowman Seeds
Premium Grade A
Grow a snowman the easy way!!!
---Carmen

snowman smile shake

...snowman face painted on the bottom of a jar
Contents:
jingle bell
snow
artificial greenery
red ribbon
cinnamon stick
mylar confetti
Snow snakes
Wouldn't it be fun to come up with a gag gift or a survival kit? Maybe some white styrofoam packing peanuts with eyes drawn on them? Pieces of bonded batting, cut in a snake shape with wiggle eyes glued on?

Maybe a poem along the lines of - watch out for snow snakes; Ever seen one? - you prob. won't; sneaky snow snakes; snow is the perfect disguise for them; they disappear in the warmth of the sun; etc.

How about a small baggie of fake snow with 2, 1/4"-1/2" sequins in it for eyes? The tag could read something like this:

Snow Snake

Native habitat: snow-packed hillsides
Keep out of direct sunlight
I'm gonna try one out of white fleece with little black eyes. I figure it will be 6-8" long, about 1/2" wide in a serpentine shape.

Sneaky little snow snakes,
slithering down the hills.
Don't look them in the eyes -
It will be a test of wills.
They are very good at hiding
And avoid the bright sun.
But when you see their trail
You better be on the run.
They hide so well and
are masters of disguise;
all you can see is their trail
and their beady little eyes.
---jazbo 7.05

SNOWSTORM IN A CAN!!!

How about getting a can of that spray snow, then make a label ? Or put some fake snow, punched snowflakes, snowflake confetti, in a can & label it.

Sock bank

Bank disclaimer -
"You can bet your bottom dollar that the buck stops here as you sock your mad money safely away. Go for broke & switch to this here redneck bank - the change will do you good!"

Specialty soaps

..."Oil of Ol' Lady" soap with some funny graphics. The oil of ol' lady doesn't have too much written on the package
...For men I made "Soapagra"....Scrub vigorously as needed...Caution:Overuse may cause swelling.
...Work~O~Holic Soap with that "kick back and relax scent" or"Take a break formula"....
... "Wash your mouth out soap" "With new piggy mouth control formula...Bad word eliminating scent"
... Holiday Stress soap with that "crisis control formula and clearance rack scent"
..."Teen Girl Soap" with that "bad boy repelling scent and new telephone control formula"
...Red Hat Soap...with uplifting royal scent or refreshing purple formula or ???
...No Frills Soap for the cheap stinkers...
---Deanna

...Tide E. Boy Soap
...Cream of Feet (foot lotion)
...Bubble Yum Soap (smells so good you'll want to eat it!)
...Soap-A-Holic (when you just can't get enough of that feel clean feeling)
...In A Jam soap (Wash those sticky situations out of your life!)
...Soap Opera (Let this soap go to work while you sing your favorite tunes in the shower)
---jenjoy

**soap box template from www.jersgirl.com**

Spice of life

White glitter for snow
Small silk flowers
Tiny seashells
Leaves punched from colored paper
Mini ziplock craft bags
Put 1/2 tsp. glitter, one flower, one seashell & 2 leaves in each mini bag.

Poem:

A new flower bud in spring,
A seashell on the summer's shore,
Autumn's delight in the leaves' vivid colors,
The freshness of new fallen snow.
These are just a few of Nature's Seasonings
Without them life would be so bland.
So enjoy what each season has to offer,
With a little "spice of life" in hand.

The Sponge Survival Kit

- give a small sponge and add this list of uses to the sponge
When in doubt, pull the "sponge" out to:
-wipe away those little and big messes we get ourselves into
-dab off the perspiration from our brow when the heat is on
-wring when a neck is not available
-toss against the wall should we be in the need of having a temper tantrum
-rest our head on when a short nap is in order
-pick at instead of pulling our hair out
-to squeeze when a hug is the answer
-to give to a friend when a friend is in need
unknown source

Sponge Poem

- this was shared by a member of a craft mailing list, thanks Scottie.
Cut the sponges to look like a little and girl and boy, add the poem,

Children are like sponges
they absorb all your strength
and leave you limp.
But give them a squeeze
and you get it all back.

Sports' fan

Remember those hand fans from years ago? they were stiff paper cut into a shape with a paint stick-type handle. Well, just mount a picture of your favorite sport or athlete on thin cardboard & add the handle - paint stick, tongue depressor, etc.
Could also be adapted for celebreties, musicians, family member for family reunions, etc.
Sayings:
- from your biggest 'fan'
- way cool
- fan club
- 'fan'tastoc
- to help you keep your cool
---jazbo 02.04.08

Square Golf Balls

Place a square block of wood into a plastic zip bag. Then on a card print the following:
No Need to walk long distances
Ball won't roll into sand traps
If ball lands in water, no need to wade in after it, ball will float back to you
Ball will not fall into gopher holes, because it is square-gopher holes are round.
Balls are made of natural fiber
Balls can be used to build block houses.

Star Wand

I saw a star wand at a craft show this weekend--The concept was kind of cute--- You are suppose to do a kind deed for someone in the family (secretly) and then leave the wand on their pillow-- they in turn do a good deed and so on and so on. You give the family the wand on Thanksgiving and they do the deeds until Christmas (hopefully it would last longer). Maybe it could be used all year through! Anyway I thought I would make some of these ---BUT I think maybe a POEM explaining the use would add that SPECIAL TOUCH

When you get this little star wand
It's purpose is quite clear
You have to do a good deed
For someone that you hold dear
So take it and then very quietly
Make someone's wish come true
Then place it on another's pillow
So they get the chance to copy you
---(c) Yvonne Lowther 1003

Starving Students' Dip

20 sm. pkg. mild sauce from Taco Bell
20 sm. pkg. tartar sauce from Long John Silver's
10 sm. pkg. soy sauce from the nearest Chinese restaurant
10 sm. pkg. honey from KFC
Misc. samples from mealtimes at the school cafeteria
Mix all ingredients well to suit taste.
Serve with tortilla chips picked up from a Mexican restaurant or any other restaurant that has chips on their buffet or offer them at the table.
Clearly, the inexpensive nature of this appetizer will make it a favorite with destitute students for years to come.

#2

Hmmmm...let's see...what else comes in those packets/tubs that we could make into other "recipes"?
Parmesan cheese
red chili peppers
syrup
honey mustard
malt vinegar
BBQ sauce
Horsey sauce
jellies
butter
mayonnaise
salad dressings
sugar
sweetener
creamer
crackers
oyster crackers
croutons

Maybe you could package some of them in the clear, hinged salad containers and call it a "Last Minute Picnic Helper" or something like that. I would put in packets of salt, pepper, catsup, mustard, mayonnaise, BBQ sauce, plastic silverware, napkins and maybe a wrapped Wet Nap.

#3

Fry sauce: mayo & catsup packets
sweet & sour sauce: mustard & honey
BarBQ sauce: catsup, mustard, jelly, honey
Maybe get a styrofoam take home box to put everything in & tie up with a nice bow!
State of mental confusion
Make up a jar with this tag & include slips of paper with 'he's so dumb' file things.

Stick Tuit

Paint stick with the words: tu it on it.
Get Around and Stick 'To It'
Procrastination is known by us all,
"To get around to it" our rallying call.
And when we begin a most arduous task,
"What was I thinking" is commonly asked.
The newness wears off, motivation wanes,
We seriously doubt that it's worth all the pain.
But if we look back with objective view,
Again we can see that it's what we should do.
So now that we finally have got around to it,
We need a reminder -- we've gotta 'stick to it'.
So here's my proposal for each one of us
(Members of Procrastinator's Anonymous).
Lets each of us get a stick handy to see,
And write in BIG letters T, U, I, and T.
So, how will this 'stick' motivate us to do it?
... A constant reminder -- we've gotta 'stick tuit'.

St. Pat's Day Basket

I am taking a plastic green hat and turning it over to use for my basket. In it I will have
...a Blarney Stone (a rock I painted "Blarney Stone" with a 4 leaf clover),
...Irish Spring soap (don't put it near food items),
...a small snack box of Lucky Charms,
....gold coin candy,
....Leprechaun poop,
...bottle of Mountain Dew with poem (from this site)
...green gum,
...green Tic-Tacs,
....Nature Valley granola bars in a green wrapper,
...green gummy worms,
...nice Irish breakfast tea
...some Irish soda bread.
...A CD with Irish music.
...Pen with green ink or a green highlighter
...money
This is a list of green things - just for fun! *wink*

alligator; apple; artichoke; avocado; broccoli; cactus; caterpillar; celery; cucumber; emerald; evergreen tree; fern; frog; grass; holly; iguana; ivy; leprechaun; lettuce; lime; olives; peas; pickle; shamrock; snake; turtle; zucchini

Other things: green glitter; green koolaide; pistachio pudding; address book; paper clips, thumbtacks; collection of Irish blessings, sayings, & poems; coffee mug; lucky penny & poem; etc.

leprechaun food, leprechaun bait, leprechaun kisses, irish blessings, leprechaun sticks (look like candy canes but don't have the hook), leprechaun dust, leprechaun mints, leprechaun soup

I am going to wrap it up with green cellophane with lots of gold & green curling ribbon.
Make sure in the basket that you sprinkle some gold glitter.

St. Pat's Pinch Protection Kit

...green glitter - Luck O' Leprechaun dust
...green paper punched lips - kiss me: I'm Irish
...shamrock pin

...Instructions:
- sprinkle the dust for good luck
- carry the lips with you for lots of kisses
- wear the pin to ward off pinches
---©Bonnie J.

Stormy weather

I'm just a little shiny rock
that your NaNa found.
I'll help calm your fears,
if you keep me around.
Please don't scream or holler,
or roar like a lion;
Just close your eyes & say your prayers,
& soon you'll stop your cryin'.
I'll send your fears straight up to
your loving Heavenly Father.
Then sleep will come, the storm
will calm so it won't be a bother.
---Bonnie Jasperson, 16 July 09
"Straw Hat -- Assembly Required"
Put some straw in a zip-loc bag and attach a tag

stress dust

- glitter, salt, flour, etc. in a small baggie); & how to use it (ex: "When you are having one of THOSE days, just toss some in the air for relief.")
---jazbo

Stress Relief Kit

A small box, wrapped so the lid can be removed, & with a ribbon bow. Inside the box on the bottom is glued{ 1-blue glass pebble; 2- mini million dollar bill; & 3- a red wooden plug;. Instructions glued to the lid read:

1. For instant relief...rub the blue stone gently in a circular motions. Feel the soothing relief. If there is no relief, go to

#2

. 2. Spend with wild abandon...DO NOT forget the special friend who bought you this kit. If this fails, proceed to

#3

. 3. Press red button firmly. This will immediately relieve you of all irritants such as the following: bratty children; noisy neighbors; uninvited cats & dogs in your yard; irritating & bothersome co-workers, bosses & friends; rude/stupid people & other things that bother you.
---Carmen

#2

It's a small plastic lace bag (I'll use a piece of lace material instead for a prettier touch) and includes:
1 stick of gum
1 candy kiss
1 pkg of smarties
1 starburst candy
1 mini snickers
1 tootsie roll
1 individually wrapped lifesaver candy

The attached tag says:

A Gift of Stress Relief!

A stick of gum: to remind you to "stick with it"!
A kiss: to remind you that you are loved! Smarties: to help you on those days when you don't have all the answers!
Starburst: to give you a "burst" of energy when you need it!
Snickers: because sometimes you just need to laugh!
Tootsie Rolls: to remind you not to bite off more than you can chew!
Lifesavers: for those days when you need to be "rescued"!
A Bag:
to help you hold it all together and give you "food for thought"!

Stress relieving bubbles

Pop one sheet of stress relieving capsules every 4-6 hours or as needed.
Warning - May become addictive. In case of overdose please seek professional counseling.

When you are stressed and full of troubles
just grab a sheet and smash some bubbles!
Watch problems go with a loud "pop pop"
soon your spirits will be back on top.
This is therapeutic and once in a while
you'll find yourself begin to smile!
---by Les

Tie a few squares of bubble wrap with ribbon, add a sprig of dried flowers tucked in the bow and the verse above.

Stress Sack

This is your stress sack. Use it so no one can step on your last nerve!
Rubber band-A reminder to stretch your mind, body, and soul.
Tissue-A reminder that suffering is part of life, and so is reaching out to ourselves and others.
Candy Kiss and Hug-A reminder that we all need a hug or kiss or word of encouragement every day.
Penny-A reminder to value our thoughts and share them with others.
Eraser-A reminder that we can make mistakes and, more often than not, correct them.
Toothpick-A reminder to tolerate differences and "pick out" good qualities in others.
Paper clip-A reminder to keep "it" (whatever "it" is) in order
Smarties-A reminder that we as teachers have so much to offer.

Sunshine box

Make sure the box is yellow....or wrap all the gifts in bright yellow paper.
magazine
2. lemon drops
3. A box of Sunkist fruit chews
4. A sunkist labeled orange
5. yellow smiley face stickers
6. yellow slippers
7. Packet of lemonade
8. yellow socks
9. Yellow pillow case
10. Yellow recipe cards
11. Yellow Post-a-Notes
12. Lemon Cookies or Lemon Cake
13. Box of yellow tissues.
14. A funny VHS or DVD
15. An uplifting & funny book, make a yellow bookcover.
16. "Bottled Sunshine".
17. photos from a sunny day at the beach
18...a yellow yo-yo angel with get well wishes
19...a joke jar with yellow candies & get well jokes
20...fill a small jar with fine beach sand, a couple of shells, etc.
21...funky yellow sunglasses
22...yellow markers, etc.
23...send her a sunny postcard once a week
24. yellow balloons
25. bouquet of yellow flowers or sunflowers

#1

Here's a box of sunshine
In case you're feelin' low
It's meant to keep you cheery
And set you all aglow!
---jenjoy

#2

Well, I'm feeling rather useless
As I'm much too far away
To be of any help to you
While your injured in this way

So I sat and thought what could I do
To show how much I care
I decided to make a Sunshine box
To keep you smiling there

Now take your time and open
A present every day
Then you will find that little smiles
Will surely come your way

And when the last ones taken
Leave the lid up, open wide
For the box is till not empty
It's filled with love inside
-----(C) 0204 Yvonne Lowther

Sweet nothings

Take an empty valentine candy box & glue the empty candy papers to the bottom of the box. Add the tag: Sweet Nothings
Valentine's Day is coming,
So this is what I said:
"Do you want candy or flowers,
or breakfast in bed?"
Your answer was,
much to my dismay -
"I don't need anything
for Valentine's day."
But you know me,
I had to do something;
So here's a lovely
box of sweet nothings.
---jazbo 01.09

Swine flu

small bottle of water
plastic glves - the cheap, throw-away kind
small bar of soap
hand sanitizer
mint decorated to look like a pig
masks - decorated to look like a pig; cheap throw-away ones
toy pig
pink balloon

The Pandemic is here;
it's swine flu season.
Use extreme caution,
within reason.

Preventative measures are best
to stay in the pink.
So here's a bottle of water
for you to drink.

Plastic gloves are nice,
if you can't wash your hands;
Or use hand sanitizer,
when you can.

This oink'mint' does wonders,
in case anyone asks;
Remember: cover your mouth,
with these fun masks.

A cute little pig,
and a pink balloon,
Bring good wishes that
you'll squeal better soon.
---©Jazbo 10.09

...swine flu shot - piggy in a shot glass -- Arlene

"Tacks Shelter" ( tax shelter".

a little block of wood (about 1-inch thick and about 2 1/2-3-inches square. There was a little chunk cut out of the side (kind of like a side-ways "U"). There was a small tack inside the U and written on the block was "Tacks Shelter" (tax shelter".

Tacky Christmas gifts

(The gift ideas came from one of those tests you take to find out what tacky Christmas gift you are.)
These would be funny to put in a basket, for the 'humbug' or 'scrooge' on your gift list:

Fruitcake

You taste like nothing else in the world.
And get ready - you are about to get tossed.
Losing lottery ticket
Full of hope & promise.
But in the end, a cheap letdown.
Self-help book
While your advice is not always welcome...
it's always right on target.
Socks
Cozy & warm, but easily lost
You make a good puppet
Sweater
Over the top, colorful, & totally flashy.
You're not afraid to be a little tacky.
Ugly underwear
Comfortable & soft, more people like you than let on.
But it's very difficult for you to show yourself in public.

Tampon Angel

(Use Playtex because they fan out into a cone shape.)
1. Dip into water until tampon expands.
2. Remove and tie at the top to create the angel's head
. 3. Let hang (by handy dandy string) for several days until dry.
4. Paint face with peach or skin tone color. Draw small black dots for eyes.
5. Add blush or pink paint to cheeks.
6. Paint "dress" with glimmer paint.
7. Crisscross thin gold ribbon across chest (around neck).
8. Add yellow doll hair to top of head and a gold pipe cleaner for a halo.
9. For the grand finale...glue small gold angel wings to back.

Tardiness award

Awarded for the most consecutive days late to work. Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other fellow is going to be.

Teacher tranquilizers

Lost lesson plan-eat 1 blue tablet
Gave wrong homework assignment-eat 1 red tablet
Field day-eat 1 brown tablet and 2 orange
Parent teacher conference-eat 3 yellow tablets
Students noisy-eat 2 green and 1 blue tablet
No school supplies-eat half the bag
Under total stress-eat entire bag and take nap

Tea flowers

they took the tea bags that come wrapped in different colors depending on flavor, folded both ends towards the center at the bottom and taped it to a stick with leaves and put them in a flower pot. If you wanted tea you picked a flower. use the coffee mugs. also put in a few mints.

'Tee Bag'

Make a simple square bag from netting & fill with golf tees.

TEENY WEENY VITAMIN

Each bottle contains 50 chewable weenies at 100 mg Vitamin C each. (As printed on the bottle) Suggested Use: As a dietary supplement chew one weeny tablet daily. Orange flavored Teeny Weeny tablets may be licked, sucked, chewed or otherwise rolled around the tongue and the lips for a mouth watering delight. And when you swallow, you get your vitamin C!
Ted E. Bear
I put a little hand painted teddy bear in a bag with the following

poem:

Ted E. Bear- the world's perfect male.
He'll sit and listen to EVERY detail.
And when you are through, just set him down somewhere.
When you need him again, he'll be right there!

10, 14, 24 'Carrot' pin
1 Carrot Gold & Dime-on Pin
Glue a dime onto a safety pin, just onto one bar of the pin, the one that doesn't go into the clothing.

Break the shank from a carrot button with dykes, pliers or wire cutter. Glue a loop of wire to back of carrot with E-6000 glue. To keep it from sliding, insert wire thru end hole of pin before gluing.

Print a poem from below and put pin in upper right hand corner or inside card... wherever appropriate.

That is a jewel like you...
An exquisite shining star,
And it would emphasize
Just how special you are.
But in the meantime as I save,
I made a 1-carrot dime-on pin
That will have to do for now...
But it has lots of love tucked in!
---shirley thomas

TERMITE TEASER

Sprinkle in your driveway
To lure termites from your house.
Then be really sneaky
just like a little mouse
And stomp those little pests
so you can have a rest!

**Take wood shavings in a bag, and attach this poem.**

Thanksgiving Turkey & popcorn poem

(attach to a bag of popcorn)
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance;
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
Then you could add, "Just POPPING in to say,
Have a Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Thinking of you

FROG for when you need to jump to it
ROPE when you get to the end, tie a knot & hang on
BALLOON to let the air out of your worries
RUBBER BAND to help you stretch beyond your expectations
PAPER CLIP to hold it all together
PUZZLE PIECE to remind you that you are an important piece of the universe
PENCIL to write down all your troubles
ERASER to rub them all out
TOOTHBRUSH to reach the hard to clean places
RULER to help measure the length of your tether
MIRROR to reflect on your reaction
SAFTEY PIN to help keep it all together
LIFESAVER for when you feel you are drowning in debt
PAPER MONEY so your purse will never be empty
CANDLE to light the end of the tunnel
BUTTERFLY to show life can be beautiful

Thirty sucks

Ha Ha you've turned 30
And I know that really sucks
But to make you feel better
I've included 30 bucks
katieangelamber©2005

Three-step Diet Program

1 - fork with 1 tine removed: 20-30 lb. Loss
2 - for with 2 tines removed: 30-50 lbs. Loss
3 - all 3 removed: 50 lbs. Or more

Thrift Kit

Put together this little kit to be prepared because you never know quite what you'll find...
A kit could include:
A small notepad and pencil to jot down notes and project ideas
Tape measure
Magnet to test metals
AA, C, D, 9v, etc. batteries
magnifying glass
birthday list
measurements of windows, nooks, wall spaces, etc. when looking for curtains, furniture, etc.
family member's clothes and shoe sizes - or outlines of shoes drawn on a piece of paper
list of book volumes needed to make a set
trail mix for those times when your energy wanes
even a lightbulb (in a hard plastic, lidded container)
To make shopping for my own clothes easier, I often wear tights and a leotard underneath a loose fitting blouse and skirt. Saves time if the lines for the dressing rooms are too long.

Time

(dried thyme in a baggie)
Heard you needed more TIME, so here's some THYME for you.

Tinsel kit

Saw this in a magazine & changed it to suit myself. It could be included as a Christmas card, gift, survival kit or gag gift.

10 Reasons to share tinsel

Put some tinsel in a bag & include this explanation:
10. Give it to your cat - tinsel balls are more festive than hair balls
9. Tie strands together & knit yourself a new Christmas stocking
8. Re-gift it for next year's gift exchange
7. Easy substitute when you run out of dental floss
6. Tape to ceiling fan blades for your next party -- you'll be a BIG hit
5. Leave it on the tree -- save time decorating next year
4. Roll into large balls & use to add bling to flower gardens
3. Cut into tiny pieces to throw as confetti on New Year's Eve
2. Use leftovers to make cheesy greeting cards for your friends
1. Wrap tinsel in a fancy box, tie with a bow, then leave it on the front seat of your unlocked car while holiday shopping

Toe floss

(looks like 2 barrel beads in a baggie)
For best results, floss gently just before bedtime, & first thing in the morning.

Toe jam spreader

(half of a swab stick in a baggie)

Toilet Paper Roll Gift

#4

I don't have much money
to buy presents this year
Everything I look at
seems frivolous and dear!
I wanted to give you something
didn't want to leave you glum
So here is what I got you,
Something to wipe your bum.
--- Marina

---

This is a gift,
so special, & handy, too.
Use it in your 'office'
when you've a 'job' to do.

It's a bummer cause
we can't have fun,
Till all our 'paper work"
is done.
©2003 Jazbo

...

This tissue isn't for gift wrapping,
And it does go in the can,
When you can't stop your feet tapping,
Please...have a back up plan!!!
Read a book or just do some rapping,
Just don't eat to much Rasin Bran!!
...charlene

This will get your butt all nice and clean
Make it glow, give it a sheen
When you wipe, take special care
And never, never hestitate to share.
©2003 Kritterno1

...graduation?

Now that your school's all come to an end
And your future ahead is about to begin
There will come times when money gets tight
This gift I give will be just right
It will come in handy, don't you know
And tide you over until you get more dough
©2003 Kritterno1

...

Valentine TP poems
When you eat too much Valentine Candy..
This little gift might come in handy...
A roll of tissue is really neat,
especially when you need to wipe your seat...
-gingersnap
...

#7

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Money is scarce and
Times are hard
So I'm giving you this
instead of a card
Something to use
something to share
so bottoms up
just 'cause I care.
--- LOL. Just had to join in. Sue :)

DIRECTIONS FOR TP SNOWMAN

1 4" styrofoam ball
1 Man's tube sock with the colored stripes around the top
ribbon or homespun for scarf
wiggle eyes or buttons
small piece of felt cut into shape of mittens
small piece of red chenille stem for mouth
Turn sock inside out..then place TP roll in the toe of sock...Place styrofoam ball on top of TP roll...then take the top half of sock and twist twice and fold over the top onto your styrofoam ball creating a stocking cap.
Take piece of ribbon or homespun and tie between ball and top of TP roll to form neck of Snowman. Glue on either wiggle eyes or buttons for eyes.
cut small piece of red chennile stem and form a mouth and glue below the eyes.
Glue felt mittens on to the front of TP roll and there you have it...A TP SNOWMAN!

SNOWY GREETINGS

#1

Since money is tight,
And times are hard,
I'm giving out snowmen,
Instead of a card.

But this snowman is special,
You'll soon have no doubt...
Just keep him in the bathroom,
Where he can help you out!
---Carol G.

#2

Toilet Paper Wreath

It is just one full roll, all tissue still on.
I wrapped the full roll with cello and poked a hole in the sides to run the twine thro' so it kinda hangs like it would on a dispenser in the bathroom. I gathered the cello at the top and attached the greenery.

#1

As I sit and ponder
Christmas on my loo
I suddenly realized that
My toilet should be decorated too
So I took it upon myself
To have a little caper
I designed my wreath
Out of toilet paper
---katieangelamber ©2004

#2

Top 10 Golfing Uses for Duct Tape

10. Forgot your golf shoes? Wrap any pair of shoes entirely in duct tape, sticky side out, for the ultimate pair of soft spikes.

9. Eliminate the stress of reading difficult slippery greens. Simply make a duct tape trough from your ball to the hole for an automatic one-putt.

8. Tired of constantly topping the ball? With duct tape you'll never look up again. Just slap a hunk of wadded up duct tape, sticky side out, under your chin and then tilt your head down so your chin and neck are fused... you'll never look up again!

7. Sunscreen is widely used by golfers, but it always leaves hands oily and slippery, making for dangerous club slippage. Duct tape is 100% UV protection on a roll! Just duct tape over all exposed skin... you're safe for the entire day (and so are your partners).

6. Many golfers suffer from the yips at one time or another over those nasty four footers... NOT ANY MORE! Just duct tape the putter right to your forearm... you're yip-free!

5. Regripping clubs is a thing of the past with duct tape. It's sure-grip on a roll! Note: wrap club grips sticky-side-out and never throw a club again!

4. Have your greens experienced unsightly winter kill over the off-season? Duck Brand duct tape is now available in green! Also makes great divot repairs.

3. Can't afford those fancy PRO V1 golf balls? Any ball wrapped in duct tape, sticky side out, will have that balata-like bite. Note: Distance may be decreased......or nonexistent.

2. Don't throw away that closet full of out dated plaid golf clothes. A layer of duct tape over your plaid pants and you'll be in vogue in minutes! Duct tape is fashion designer on a roll! Bonus hint: Forgot your umbrella or rain suit? Duct tape turns any apparel into rain gear. Play on!

1. Can't correct your hook or slice? Put a strip of duct tape on the face of your club to see exactly where you are striking the ball.
---shared by CrazeeMoi

"TOWN AND COUNTRY SEAT COVERS".

It is a little long but real cute.
You take a pair of men's briefs and directly below the elastic sew a row of frilly lace.
On the front of the briefs is a zipper(approximately 4-6inches in length) this is sewn on top of the opening in the front of the briefs).
Beside the zipper is the word EXIT( this is printed to run up and down beside the zipper.
Next there are 2 pockets, one to the left of the zipper and one to the right of the exit sign.
On the back of the briefs are 2 more pockets one on either cheek, hang from the center of the brief(on a ribbon) is a cork.
In the front pockets- one has a whistle and in the other is a band-aid.
In the back pockets, one holds a piece of toilet tissue and the other has a small cob of corn(with the corn removed).
The following instructions were included with the briefs.

Instruction For Town & Country Seat Covers.


We are proud of these seat covers and with normal use they should give you years of pleasurable service. Today as in the past, we consider the safety features of seat covers of prime importance. We urge our users to acquaint themselves with various features found in no other seat covers.

1. The word "EXIT" is printed on the locality of most wear and tear. This, of course, eliminates your wasting precious moments in hunting around. It is especially appreciated when golfing and at ball games.

2. The attractive zipper is our newest creation. This too is a time saver and enables the user to have one hand free at all times.

3. You will note that just to the right of the zipper is the emergency kit if the zipper should catch. You need not embarrass your hostess for first aid. You already have it.

4. The rear pockets 'TOWN AND COUNTRY" are feature attractions used for years with continued success. For town we include the highest grade of tissue. For country we use the light weight corn cob.

5. The stopper (cork) should be used only in case you get something turned on that you can not turn off. After using the stopper. blow the whistle, explain to someone in the house that they should always rush to your side when the whistle is heard. CAUTION- Always cleanse stopper after using, in case you panic and "BLOW THE STOPPER INSTEAD OF THE WHISTLE".

raveler's charm

Years ago, everyone knew that if you kept Juniper berries in your pocket you could - Walk deep into the forest without fear - Eat new food with new people - and then ride the wind safely home.

Traveling

1. Put a short piece of rope in a small bag and label it "TOW ROPE FOR SHORT HAULS".
2. A tiny bottle of bath oil labeled "OIL CHANGE FOR A MINI-VAN".

Tube sox

Partially fill one sock; sew closed. Insert into other sock. When it becomes soiled, just remove & wash.

#1

This little pillow is filled with rice,
& is such a comforting device.
Nuke for 1-2 minutes on High
& kiss those aches & pains goodbye.
Apply it to a troubled spot,
The heat will ease the pain a lot.
Or warm those little toes so cold
You'll find this nice to have & to hold.
Or freeze it for a little while
& fix that boo-boo up in style.
Instead of a compress made of ice
Use this pillow filled with rice.

#2

when your muscles are aching & feeling sore,
just use this pad & they'll hurt no more.

#3

Keep me nearby &
I'll watch over you each day
To keep you from stressing
During both work & play!
(Shirely Thomas)

#4

I'm your little comfort bag.
Keep me by your easy chair
2 min in the microwave
I'll warm you everywhere.
I'll ease the aching in your knee
Your feet, & twisted neck -
That arthritis in the hands,
I'll chase away by heck.
Keep me very close to you
When chilly times begin,
Just zap me several times & see
Together we'll have more vim.
(Jane Dumont)

#5

On aching backs or shoulders,
Or necks or hurting heads;
Apply it cold or heated
For comfort it is said.
2 minutes in the nuker
or in the freezer overnight,
makes this little Pain Pal
a virtual delight.
---Linda
Tummy Tucker
Put a mini stapler in a plastic bag along with this poem.

Get rid of unwanted flab
without a wrinkle or a pucker.
Just take a tuck here and there
with this nifty tummy tucker!

Turtle

...chocolate turtles - nobody knows the 'turtles' I've seen
...ninja turtle things: movies; action figures; comic books; etc.
...tortoise shell jewelry - what a treasure!
...turtle slippers - to slip into something comfortable
...turtle wax - to help you wax strong
---jazbo 0606

Tylenol Candles

You will need 1 red and 1 white or yellow votive. Match the candles bottom to bottom, wrap in cellophane candy style. Print one of the poems and attach to the ribbons on the end.
From dusk to dawn and far beyond,
A mother's work is never done!
There's always one more thing to do,
It isn't always fun!!
This 'Tylenol' is just for you,
To catch a moments rest!
Light one--sit down, take a little rest,
And know that you are surely blessed!!

--or--

You work so hard,
please don't be blue,
this 'Tylenol' is just for you!!
If at the end of the day you find,
that you're about to lose your mind,
this 'Tylenol' when lit, I pray,
will help your stress to melt away!!
"Unfinished furniture"
Inside a big box is a branch, leaves and all! :)

Urban camper

...marshmallow scented jar candle (small, cute, pricey, Gooseberry Patch catalog)
...platter to go under the candle and to hold ...
...marshmallows, fun-sized Hershey Bars, and a small box of Teddy Grahams
...wooden skewers
These items will not fit in a jar so I resorted to a basket.

#2

Smores On A Stick

1 Wooden Popsicle Stick, 2 Marshmallows, 1/8th of a Cup of Chocolate Chips, 1 Crushed Graham Cracker, 2 Walnuts or Pecans, Push the 2 marshmallows over the stick, keeping them as close together as possible & close to the top. Crush the graham crackers and walnuts very fine with a rolling pin. Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave. Roll the marshmallows on the stick in the warm malted chocolate, roll in the crushed graham crackers and walnuts. Yummy!! Now you can do a dozen of these for the kids! Place in the freezer for 15 minutes or over night.

Vampire Emergency repair kit

This is a One Time only replacement for last lips & teeth. One size fits all. May be hazardous to non-dead persons. Caution: Due to shaprness, DO NOT insert teeth backwards or give to baby bats!
Contents: fake vampire teeth

Warm Fuzzies Idea & Poem

Glue 3 Pompoms close together on a piece of felt.....Cut them out close to the Pompoms to make a worm......Glue eyes on it......
Here are some Warm Fuzzies for you......
Just look at them when you're feeling blue.
I hope they give you the "warm fuzzies" too,
Along with a smile or two
.....cmax

Washer & dryer

Wrap a dishcloth and dish towel in a large and pretty box with this note attached:

This Christmas our ship has finally come in
We're feeling so wealthy and rich.
Instead of some small remembrance
This year will be quite a switch

We're giving a gift of high quality
No more cheap presents for us.
It's time we really went all out
But don't worry, its really no fuss.

We considered giving you a sports car
Or maybe a tropical cruise ---
But we decided to be more practical
And give something you really could use.

So, open the box and you may be surprised,
To find not only ONE gift, but two --
We hope you will put your presents to work
It's a WASHER & DRYER, too!!!!

Watermelon love seeds

This little gift is to let you know,
I'm grateful for the love seeds you sow.
When thinking of you, watermelon comes to my mind,
'Cause you're sweet on the inside and strong like the rind.
Author Unknown

Weather-related

Balloon - blowin' in the wind
Dust - for a very dry sense of humor
Smily face - let a smile be your umbrella
Snowflakes - think snow!
Thermometer - you make my temperature rise
---jazbo 29.07.11

..."FACT! Heat makes objects expand...
So, there you have it, I'm NOT overweight, I'm just hot!"

...Remember last February, when you prayed you wouldn't freeze to death?
Well, your prayer is being answered.

Weather rock (see also Missouri Mule Barometer)
You are the proud owner of a weather rock. Treat it well, & it will reward you with years of accurate prognostications.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Hang it outside on a nail. Check it each day.

If it is wet, it is raining.
If it is stiff, it is freezing.
If it is warm, it is hot.
If it is dry, it is fair.
If it is wet & swinging, it is stormy.
If it is white, it is snowing.
If you can't see it, it is foggy.
If it is moving, it is windy.
If it's gone, you've been ripped off.
If all else fails, remember this Ozark wisdom: it will either rain or it won't.

Wedding night gift

Inside this box
tenderly folded here
is your wedding night attire
something sexy and sheer.
It will extenuate your curves
and cling to every line
guaranteed to show you off
and stand the test of time.
The groom will be impressed
no buttons or hooks in sight
just the very best of you
on this your wedding night.

WARNING: Garment will last a lifetime but with age wrinkles and creases may occur and sagging is unfortunately unavoidable. However please wash gently and treat with care. Resist the urge to iron or alter cosmetically.
©Sue Pitchfork

#2

I got you this very special gift
That is sure to give your hubby a lift
It's for you to wear on your wedding night
It'll make him smile and sure to delight
Now don't be disappointed if nothing is there
For on your wedding night I want you to go bare
katieangelamber ©2008

Wedding Seed Poems

"Each tiny seed is a little prayer
At the end of the service let them fly through the air
As each seed falls, may husband and wife,
Know God's richest blessings for the rest of their life"

Someone, somewhere is peacefully watching two seeds,
tossed by a strong wind, lightly landing side by side,
growing separate, together,
under the same sun, under the same moon,
clinging to their own roots,
still side by side, intertwining, growing closer,
sharing the same air, the same wind, the same rain...
learning to understand,
to comfort, to give, to receive, to love.

A packet of forget-me-nots seeds to plant in a row
Just as our new life begins they too will grow.
Please plant them to remember our day
and watch our love blossom along the way.
Thank you for sharing our special day with us.

Weight loss incentive jar

I start by putting money into the jar. Say $10.00 (or less, u decide) ...then every time I lose a pound I add $1.00 to the jar....but if I gain a pound I have to take $1.00 out! Gain 2 pounds I take $2.00 out etc....Same with part pounds like .50 for 1/2 pound, .25 for 1/4 pound ...then at the end of the month I can either spend the money on anything I want (except food) or I can leave it in there to add up! At the first of the month again, I add another $10.00 or $5.00 (or whatever amount you want)
---jeni

#1

This jar is my incentive
To take off all those pounds
And stop looking like Frosty
Big and fat and round
For every pound I lose
A dollar I put in
As the dollars add up
Upon my face I'll wear a grin
But if I should gain weight
A dollar per pound I take out
And that would surely make me
Frown and wear a pout
When my diet is over
The money I'll have for a treat
I'll buy me something special
As long as it isn't sweet
katieangelamber ©2004

#2

This is my incentive jar
to get me nice and slim
every time I lose a pound
some money will go in.

But if I gain weight
apart from feeling bad and fat
I'll have to take some money out
I don't like the sound of that!

So hopefully this diet jar
will help me make my goal
and for each milestone reached
I'll reward my self control.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#3

Please pay close attention
I'm trying to do my best
I want to lose some weight this year
I promise, I don't jest
I thought of an incentive
And this jar will be the thing
For every time I lose a pound
You'll hear this jar go ping
I'll add a coin per pound I lose
I'd deduct one for each I gain
So watch this jar, how fast it fills up
For losing weight's my aim
©2005 Yvonne Lowther

Weight Loss Program

it contains:
Exercise Cream
Block (of wood)
Tummy Tucker (baby stapler with extra staples)
Magic Weight Loss Beans
Head & Wrist Bands

#1

Here's a weight loss program
to get you fit and trim,
there's a block of wood
with instructions for use within.
Cream and magic weigh loss beans
to keep you on your toes,
and some head and wrist bands
to strike a healthy pose.
And if all else fails
you can try the tummy tuck,
your weight loss program starts today
I wish you lots of luck!
~Sue Pitchfork~

#2

Weight Loss Program
Cream, exercise and magic
may be all that you need,
but for desperate measures....
a little tuck is guaranteed!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com 2004

Weight loss wands

Weight Loss
You've over indulged and now with regret
You feel the weight accumulate.
But here's a weight loss wand; at last
Just wish, swish, drink water and fast!
>^..^< ©SallyIndy

There is magic for weight loss in the wand
No more need for those gimmicks and lies
All you need is right here for you
Just add a good diet and exercise!
>^..^< ©SallyIndy

What's for lunch?

Decision spinner with the following:
- convenience store nachos
- burgers
- sub sandwich
- thai
- terriyake
- vending machine
- donuts
- sushi
- roach coach
- barbeque
- mexican
- martinis
- sea food
- italian
- pizza
- coffee & cigarettes

Whine Bag

by shirleyt@craftsayings.com
This is a little whine bag
to be filled with the finest whine
and after listening around
I think yours will do just fine!

#2

"This little whine bag is just for you
When whining is what you have to do
Take this bag out, when you feel you want to pout
Don't just stand there, whine and shout
When all the whining is finally done
Go on out and have some fun"
---author cmax

Bubbles

...water gun
...water balloons

...small tissue packet.
...picture of a baby crying &/or whining to go along with the tissues

...The world could be divided into winners and whiners.
Winners make the grade. Whiners make excuses.

...something about a empty bag; something about putting your whining in the bag and I would get to it when I have time

WILD OATS

Put shredded wheat in a little bag. The card topper says: "When did my wild oats turn into shredded wheat

Winter blahs

Tic-Tacs, Pocket Tissues, Hand Sanitizer, Motrin IB packet, Airborne packet, and a few Dark Chocolate and Caramel Treasures.

Witches' britches

Cut a simple underpanties shape from black felt, but make it wide at the top. (I got 3 pairs from a 9x12 sheet.) Sew down the sides & across the leg openings with a running stitch & black yarn. In the middle of one side at the top, use orange yarn & a large running stitch, coming back around to where you started. Leave about 6" tails. Fill with candy of your choice. Gather & tie tails in a bow.

Witches on brooms, what a scary sight!
They wear these britches on Halloween night.
Usually they cover the witches' seats,
But tonight they hold very sweet treats.
Just untie the bow & you will see,
A trick of a treat that is so yum-my.
---jazbo 20.10.07

Woman is like a tea bag

(tea bag in a baggie)
"A woman is like a tea bag. It's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is." -Nancy Reagan

Work Sucks Pills
....helps you to love your job

#1

Does work give you a headache
If that is exactly your case
Then take a couple of Work Sucks pills
And do it with great haste

No longer will you hate your job
You'll fly right through the day
So hurry up & pop those pills
Do it right away!
©2005 Laurie

#2

Do you hate your job
And don't know what to do
Well then, guess what honey
I've got the cure for you

Just take a couple of these pills
And in no time you'll find
No longer do you hate
Working 9 to 5.
©2005 Laurie

#3

Another work day
same old daily grind
but what you think of work
is just a state of mind.
These pills will help you
to cope with your career
and the thought of payday
is sure to bring you cheer.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

~ WORRY ANGEL ~

I am just a little angel,
sitting upon your fridge,
here to watch for trouble,
and any trouble, bridge,
I am just a frazzled angel,
and what a job I've got,
since I've been watching over you
my nerves are really shot.
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Worry Basket

Carry Your Worries Away
A basket can carry
many things
From food to mail,
or balls of string.
But one special thing
this basket can do
Is carry away
your worries for you.
When it is empty
fill it with your worries
up to the top
you're halfway there;
please don't stop.
Then place this basket
on your dresser each night
and when you wake up
to your delight
An empty basket you will find
with no worries to upset
your peace of mind.
Now start your day
Happy that your worries
were carried away.

or

This little basket comes to say
You're a special friend in every way....
So pass it on but don't get caught
Do it in secret as Jesus taught.

Worry bird

make the bird out of two triangles and like to have two different fabrics, one for each side. Sew together and stuff. Each one looks different. Wings are felt and feet - yarn with a bead on the end.

Poem & Instructions: Worry Wart

https://www.craftsayings.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=142
Picture: Emmy's Worry Bird
https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v433/crafterwannabe/worrybirdfabric.jpg

I'm a little worry bird
But I haven't come to stay
Just tell me all your worries
Then I'll take them and fly away!
~~Lisajo Wolff

#2

This Little Worry Bird has come to say....
Tell me your troubles, and, I'll take them away....
He doesn't want worries to burden you....
So tell them to him, and he will comfort too....

#3

Give all your worries to
this worry bird each day.
He'll peck them to pieces
and flutter them away! by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

#4

"I'm your worry bird.
Don't be sad.
Don't be blue.
I'll be the bird
that will worry for you."
----Linda aka Retschoolmarm

#5

Said the robin to the sparrow,
I surely would like to know;
Why these anxious human beings
rush about and worry so.
Said the sparrow to the robin,
it is truly plain to see,
they have no Heavenly Father,
Such as cares for you and me.
---shared by sara

#6

'worry wart'

It is made out an nylon stocking.
A round ball stuffed with cotton about 1 - 1 1/2 inches across. gathered at top and tied with small bit of ribbon. Two tiny eyes glued onto it. Poem attached......
This worry wart will be your friend,
And when your day is at it's end
Just relax..........worry no more,
?Cuz that's what this little wart is for.

#2

Polymer Clay rolled in a small ball or small potato shape would be cute, and some eyes could be painted on it, and a tiny little heart would make a cute little wart. A hole could be poked into it to make it a hanging bead or a pin back could be added to make it easy to wear.

#3

a painted river rock with a worried sort of face on it

#4

face to print for worry wart glued onto placemat plastic:
https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v433/crafterwannabe/worrywart.gif

#5

This worry wart will be your friend
And when your day is at an end
Just relax.....Worry no more.....

Cuz that's what this little wart is for!

WORLDS SMALLEST PUZZLE

Put sawdust in a baggie with this header....
Worlds smallest puzzle...
*Caution* DO NOT try to assemble on a windy day!

The Yard Stick is a stick (with personality of course...) I made up a tag which I attached.

This is a yard stick.

You can do many things with this yard stick -
you can check to see how deep a mud puddle is...
you can check to see how much gas is in the lawn mower...
You can play catch with dog with it...
you can even use it to start a fire.
You can use it for whatever you wish, just DON'T put it back in my yard!!!

Yoyo Worry Angel

I am just a little worrier
I sit upon your window sill.
You do not have to worry now
Because you know that I will.
I am a frazzled angel,
& what a job I've got!
Since I have been looking after you
My nerves are really shot!

And back to: Jazz's Gag Gifts Collection