Some may be rated X; sorry. I just collect them. (((hugs)))
Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems.

Gag gifts with Poems

jack in the beanstalk kit...

Take a package of regular green bean seeds or you can use lima beans, a small plastic pot, a little package of dirt and the instructions are, plant with care not too near the house but where you can get to it easy enough, stand back water and let it grow. (Of course it won't grow like jack's did but hey it is a cute gift for a gardner)

Jail

...Bread & water
...Cake Mix in a Jar and, along with the baking instructions card, attach a file "to be baked inside".

#1 -

Keep this cake mix a secret
It is very special you see
For when you go and bake it
In it you hide a key
----katieangelamber © 2004

#2 -

This cake mix is special
When you bake it add the file
It will come in real handy
In case you lose at trial
or
When you lose at your trial
----katieangelamber © 2004

...escape map - old-looking yellowish paper with x's & dashed lines for you are here & need to be here; or something like that
. ...Fake money - to bribe your way out of jail
...get out of jail free card - bright colored paper; graphic of courthouse on it; "In the event you are arrested or jailed while visiting the Old Courthouse, (maybe give address), this will entitle you to one exemption. Use it wisely." (Or something like that.)
...key to freedom

I've heard that you've been locked up
So I'm sending a little gift your way
It's a Key to Freedom
So you can escape and run away
---katieangelamber © 2004

...list of pretend lawyers to call - maybe use some of the names from the Halloween lists? Ex:
Dirk T. Ratt
C.U. Shortly
Nick O. Tyme
Miss D. Meaner
Willie Rott
Ms. Dawn Under
Xavier Breath
Imus B. Gowen

...Old nail file - for sawing through the bars
...some kind of 'insurance policy' in case you are jailed/arrested while visiting the old courthouse
...some kind of overnight kit (in case of incarceration) - moist towelette, floss pick, their own soap (wink!), band aid, stick of gum, etc.

Joke jar

Put some jokes on rolled up slips of paper with candy of your choice.

Gumballs:

When you're down
'chews' one of these -
a gumball & a saying
that's sure to please.

Halloween:

It's Halloween -
We've got our eyes on you!
So have a candy
And read a joke or two.

Redneck:

You've seen the redneck jokes
& yes - we all like to tease;
but you may really be one
if you see yourself in these!
---Shirley

Junque Drawer

For that person who has every thing? or to newlyweds, as a 'seed crop' for their junque drawer? or as a housewarming gift? So many possibilities!

Junk Drawer Starter Kit

The gift that never stops giving.
An ideal gift for first time homeowners, apartment dwellers, college students, newlyweds, and the person that has everything. The kit contains junk that you would find in any junk drawer: screws, nails, pen, pencil, spare button, coupons, scraps of paper, and etc. You place items in empty drawer and watch them grow, they are like little children with clothes they out grow them without wearing them out. When the drawer starts to over flow you can start a new drawer or give as a gift to someone. These make wonderful gifts for a special pal. A name exchange or such, its a gift that will be remembered for a life time.

assorted toys - cars, balls, blocks, marbles, etc
Baggies
batteries
a bottle cap with a winning number or product
candle stubs
caps to pens, markers
chalk
chopsticks from take-out places
clothespins
combs
cookie cutters
corks
couple of puzzle pieces
crayons
drinking straw in wrapper
electrical outlet protectors
food labels
frig magnets
golf tees
individually packaged toothpicks
key rings
light bulbs
locks
lost game pieces - markers, dice, checkers, chess, dominoes, etc
match books
monopoly piece
motel soaps
nail clippers

new stuff:

...advertising: note pads, pens, key rings
old advertising magnet
old dog tags
packets of catsup, mustard, S&P, jelly, honey, butter, mayo, hot sauce, etc
paint brush
picture hanging hardware
plastic bag twists - from bread, etc.
plastic knives, forks, spoons
plastic lids
pocket calendar
pony tail holders
popsicle sticks
rubber bands -from newspapers, etc.
rubber stamps
rubber washers
safety pins
sea shells
seeds
shoe laces
shower curtain hooks
snack bag clamps
spent ammo shells
store samples - soap, shampoo, etc.
string
tape
thumb tack
twisty ties
unknown keys
used roll so electrical tape
used super glue

This is a junk drawer starter kit,
Full of lots of different things,
For every home should have one,
And know the joy that brings.
A drawer that's filled up to the brim,
With "stuff" that you might need,
Batteries, papers, bits of string,
perhaps a pack of seed?
Place it all neatly in your drawer,,
Sit back and watch it grow,
Right before your eyes you'll see
it fill to overflow!
And when it does just break it down,
to smaller kits for friends,
So the joy of your own junk drawer
can be one that never ends!!!
---Marina

Packaging

....Use that lid popper can opener when you open cans, fill the can, pop the lid back on and make a label: Campbell's Can 'O Junk Junk Drawer Starter [aka: brand name? soup starter]
...Zip Lock bag w/a hole in it, but duct tape the hole
...Empty jar w/the label half scraped off, put your own label on the other side.
...Cracked plastic flower pot, fill it, seal in basket wrap.
...Cut a window out of the side of a small box, cover window with acetate, close with duct tape.
...a clean, orphan sock, tied with string at the top
...any small food box, with duct tape covering some of the label, to hold the box together; tissue box,
...yogurt, butter, cottage cheese containers
...fabric drawstring bags made from worn out dish towels; pillow ticking; the sleeve from an old shirt; pocket from jeans; pants leg;
...bread bags
...potato bags, washed & turned inside out (they have a nice shiny silver side)
...cookie & candy tins
...mismatched bowls, large mugs, large glass vases that you can pick up very cheaply at yard sales; wrap & seal
...any kind of small plastic baskets or organizers; plastic silverware trays;
...cut off the top of a 2 liter pop bottle, fill & seal with shrink wrap, etc.
...flour & sugar sacks
...small brown lunch bags - cut a window & put wide, clear wrapping tape on both sides
...left-over see-thru treat bags from different holidays
...plastic peanut butter jars, mayo, etc.
...bags from cereal boxes - that keep the cereal fresh
...pringles cans; fruit juice cans;
...any clean plastic bag - cotton balls, plastic eating utensils, etc.
...And if you don't have ANY of the above, you can wrap it in old newspaper like an fish!! craft junk drawer is different:
...all kinds of recyclables: lids, film canisters, empty tape dispensers, small bottles, juice lids, etc.
...beads
...broken jewelry
...buttons
...empty thread spools
...fabric scraps
...fun foam scraps
...glass pebbles
...labels off clothes
...lonely silk flowers
...markers
...plastic canvas leftovers
...scraps of ribbon, lace
...seasonal things: clovers, hearts, pumpkins, etc.
...springs from pens, flashlights
...toys from gumball machines, etc.
...wire pieces
...yarn
...yo-yos

Kitchen safe

Use beans, marbles, nuts & bolts, rice, potpourri, cotton balls, beads, etc.
https://www.craftsayings.com/projects/small_gifts/kitchen_safe/index.shtml

-- Cut a tube (toilet paper or paper towel roll) about a half inch shorter than the height of your jar. Put the end of the tube on a piece of lightweight cardboard like posterboard and cut a circle about 1/2" wider all the way around. Cut 1/2 " slits around it so that you can glue it with a glue gun to the bottom of the tube

Make a second tube out of poster board about a 1/4" wider and 1/2" higher than the first tube. Cut 1/2" slits in it about 1/2" apart around the top as shown on left in picture above. Your first tube should be able to slide in and out of this one.

Spread a thin layer of beans on the bottom of jar and pour some white glue over it. Insert your poster board tube into the beans with slitted edges up. Set a pill bottle inside the tube so that no beans can go inside it. Fill the jar outside the tube with beans and remove the pill bottle. When beans get to within a half inch of the top, fan the slit edges of tube out and glue down on beans. In the picture below, the tube was not long enough for the top edge to fan out over beans, so I just poured a little glue over the beans.

(Leave inner tube out while bottom beans are drying.) You should be able to slide your innermost tube (the tp or pt roll) in and out of the fixed tube so that you can retrieve your valuables. Optional: You can glue a little ribbon "handle" across the tube if desired to make it easier to pull out.

Put the lid on and decorate as you wish. Here are the directions for the lid pictured at the top of this page. Cut fabric into a circle about 1.5" to 2" wider than the lid. Put a VERY thin layer of white glue across the top of the lid and center and press the fabric on it. Tie a piece of ribbon or yarn around the jar to hold the fabric in place. Using glue gun, put a tiny dab of glue toward the back of the jar on the fabric and under the ribbon. This will hold the ribbon in place when untied so that it is easier to tie back in place after opening.

#1 -

I'm a little kitchen safe
To put upon your shelf,
Where you can hide some secrets
Known only to yourself.
I'll keep your rings or money
Should robbers come your way,
Or maybe keep those extra coins
Saved for a rainy day!

#2 -

a jar of ( ) it looks to be,
but look real close & you will see
a kitchen safe with a place inside
for little things you want to hide.
Like candy, notes or even cash;
A nifty place to hide your stash!
--Vall Ebberson

#3 -

A jar of pasta (or beans)
This seems to be,
But open it up
And you will see
A place to hide candy,
Treasures, or cash;
The perfect place
To hide your stash!

#4 -

Don't spill the beans
about this special place,
and no one will find
your secret hiding place.
---shirleyT

The Knots Prayer

Dear God:
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart & my life. Remove the have nots, the can nots & the do nots that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots, may nots, might note that may find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots & should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart & my life all of the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.
Amen
--Author Unknown

Laugh award

Laughs, chuckles snorts & guffaws. you are the master of them all. Laughter is good medicine fill a jar with jokes to make one laugh. - a giggle a day keeps the gloomies awat - is a tranquilizer with no side effects

Leprechaun cream
Luck o' the Irish Cream #1

This special jar of Irish cream
The Leprechauns left for you
Just a dab or two should do it
And you should start to feel
A wee bit o' the Irish too!

Luck o' the Irish Cream #2

A leprechaun has come your way
And left a special jar today
Just a small dab or two should do
You'll feel a wee bit o' the Irish too!

Luck o' the Irish Cream #3

If you believe in Leprechauns
Then this magic cream is for you
Just a dab or two will do it You'll feel a bit o' the Irish too!

Let's face it
For decorating a pumpkin (or not.)
3 regular gumdrops
1 orange slice

Let's face it -
This gift is quite incredible.
Instead of putting it on a pumpkin,
It is deliciously, eerily edible.
---jazbo 20.10.07

Life is a beach

colored clam shells
mini zip bags
sand
Just use the smaller bags in your pack for this craft so the clams fit in the little bags. Glue to wiggle eye inside a pair of shells, propping them open. Then glue the back together. Put a small amount of sand in a 2" x 2" bag and place your clam buddy inside. Zip it up. Add a tag and swap.

LIFE SAVERS

A packet of lifesavers and poem:

Problems come and go,
That's the way it goes,
But remember life is sweet
If you overlook the holes.
~Author Unknown~

Life with men - deck of cards

Life with men is like a deck of cards -
You need a heart to love them;
a diamond to marry them;
a club to beat them;
a spade to bury them.
---posted by CrazeeMoi

...Marriage is like a game of poker - we play the hand we're dealt.
...12 face cards - one for each month of the year (something about celebrate each month?)
...52 cards - 52 weeks in a year (a date once a week to keep the romance alive?)
...365 'spots' - one for each day of the year (start over fresh each day?)
the numbers & what they could represent:
...1 - one union
...2 - it takes two committed people to make a marriage work
...3 - (mommy, daddy, & baby make a family {?})
...4 - (I am out of ideas)

How about a Life with Men jar - with men jokes & quotes about men in it? Or one with dumb blonde jokes?

#1 -

Men remind of a deck of cards.
They'll steal your heart away
and offer a diamond to marry.
"I'll do for you always," they say.

But when the time comes you need
a club to beat them over the head,
and then eventually a spade to...
bury them after you shoot them dead!

Now marriage is a gamble
and life like a game of poker,
but every once in a while
one does get a good joker!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com ©2002

Lift your spirits

sweet & sour candy: to help you appreciate the difference in others.
a stick of gum: to remind you to stick with it.
a chocolate kiss: to remind you that someone loves you
eraser: to remind you that every day you can start with a clean slate.
a poem: to share the beauty of words
Quarter: if you need a friend call me
confetti: to celebrate your joys of life
Bandaid for some of life's hurts
Rubber band to help you stretch your perspective
Package of powdered lemonade: When life gives you lemons make lemonade
Tissue- to dry tears
string - to hold things together
Pair of googly eyes - a reminded to keep your eyes on the Lord
A nail file - in case you run into any rough personalities
(or for filing away those rough moments)
mirror-a reminder to always be a reflection of God's love
Tooth pick - help you pick out the good in others
hair brush - so you can brush away your tears
pair of socks - reminder to keep both feet on the ground
Visor- to shield you from life's sorrows
Peace sign - reminder to rest in God's peace
Breath mints - so your words are always clean
Visine - to help you see clearly

Loose rocks

These rocks fell plum out of my head,
& I reckon I don't need 'em no more
You'll find 'em to be just like new -
They ain't never been used much before!
© Shirley

Loose Screws

I know your screws are loose.
I can hear them jiggling about,
so here's a few extra ones
in case they fall right out!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Lost marbles replacement pack
of all the things you've lost, you miss your mind (marbles) the most.

#2 -

I just got this from a Christmas Bazaar today.
1 marble in a small zip bag a little bigger than a business card. A poem inside was the size of a business card, with decorative trim around the edges. It read: "Sometimes it seems we lose our way and life becomes so blue. You think you've lost your "marbles" and others suspect it's true. But in spite of all the odds my friend, life can be wonderful too. Just remember, that no matter what, I'm always here for you. So when you think you've lost them all; pull out my gift to you. It may be small, and only one...but you haven't lost them all!!!"

Lotto dice

Roll the dice, play the numbers
(dice with big numbers on them)

Love dice (X)

Cut 2 square blocks of wood from a piece of lumber such as a 2" x 2" or 4" x 4". Sand edges smooth. If necessary fill in the two rough cut edges with wood filler.

Paint the blocks and write the instructions below on each block. Those six instructions under "1st Die" will go on each of the six sides of one block and then put the six instruction objects under "2nd Die" on each of the six sides of other block.

Note: Paint blocks a light color such as white, cream or pink and write instructions in a dark color such as red or black. OR paint block a dark color such as red or black and write in a light color such as pink or white. Decorate with hearts or as desired. Poem may be folded and cut double for topper.

Optional: To hang, glue the end of a piece of ribbon to each die. Tie two small bows and glue to cover ends of ribbon on each block.

1st die 2nd die

Caress my back
Tickle my arms
Rub my legs
Massage my face
Kiss my toes
Surprise surprise

Let's shake up our lives
and add some spice,
with a simple roll of
these love dice.

Play with me...
Be a good trooper.
Come on, don't be
a party pooper!
----Shirley Thomas

#2 -

Cut two more blocks to make another set. Paint and write the instructions below.
1st Die
Let's kiss
Let's hug
Let's wrestle
Let's play
Let's cuddle
Let's ?

2nd Die

On the floor
On the couch
On the chair
In the bath tub
In the back seat
In the ?

Lucky Horseshoe

This shoe is a gift,
It's a powerful force.
It's given to you
For good luck, of course.
So when things go right,
Consider the source.
And always give thanks
To a shoeless horse!

LUCKY PENNY

My mama always told me
"Lucky Pennies" are a gift.
The angels throw them down here
When someone needs a lift.
And so I give this gift to you,
'though it doesn't look like much.
It is filled with special meaning
And is blessed by an angel's touch.
(Carol G.)
Made in (year)
- Vintage model; made in (1949); all original parts

Magic aging dust

Now that you've turned 50
It certainly is a must
That you use a sprinkle or two
Of this magic anti-aging dust
It will keep you looking young
And that is what you want I trust
Take and sprinkle it all over your body
So your love life won't go bust
katieangelamber©2005

Magic Angel dust

This Angel Dust is magic, but only when kept enclosed. Should you dare to open it, your doubt will be exposed. .........Always Keep Your Faith!

Magic dirt

You can put some dirt in a baggie or baby food jar, and add glitter to it. Then, print out this poem, and attach it to the top.

MAGIC DIRT

This is magic dirt - that's right!
An angel left it here last night,
She gave it to me, and I to you,
Cause you like to garden and I like you.
Just sprinkle some on fresh new ground,
Make a wish, toss it around,
(Don't fret if there's to little for your
space 'cause it tends to spread all over the place!)
And when your garden grows this year,
Folks will marvel, they'll come and peer.
And mention all the time you've spent,
(They won't know your secret; it's heaven sent.)

Magic pig spoon

Here's a magic pig spoon
to make your meal a treat
wave it over your plate
and calories it will delete.
Some foods may need a second wave
before you do tuck in
desserts and chocolate
will never make you thin.
So proudly hold the pig spoon
and eat as you declare
I've cancelled out the calories
so only taste is left in there.
~Sue Pitchfork~

Magic Pig Wand

Craft stick with a pig head glued on.
Wave once over food to remove calories..
.wave TWICE over desserts!
---Carolyn

Magic snowflakes

Place white confetti, mylar snowflakes, and white glitter in a clear bag. Add the following verse.
We looked out our window and to our surprise, there were shiny tiny snowflakes dancing before our eyes. My sis and I got our coats and bundled up tight, then we ran outside right into the night. We stood there in awe wondering what to do as the amount of snow just grew and grew. We realized the magic right before our eyes, each snowflake that fell was a wish from the skies. We've gathered some snowflakes just for you, sprinkle them around and all of your wishes will come true.

Magic Wands
#1

Sometimes life is cruel
and things seem so unfair,
you wonder if there's a reason
and if anyone does care.
Days you feel unloved
and lost without a clue,
times you feel confused
and don't know what to do.
That's when you need this wand
just hold it very tight,
give it a little shake
and imagine with all your might.
Brighter days are coming
better things are on the way,
life is what you make it
believe in dreams today.
And keep alive the faith
that you deserve the finer things,
And your dreams will happen
When wished on butterfly wings.
~Sue Pitchfork~

#2 -

This wand is magic
a special thing indeed,
making wishes happen
helping dreams succeed.
And when you believe
in the beauty of yourself,
good things come your way
happiness, luck and wealth.
Let the butterflies remind you
you're special in every way,
and you deserve the best
may dreams come true today.
~Sue Pitchfork~

#3 -

Everyone needs a dream
a wish to hope and claim,
a goal to reach and aspire to
somewhere high to aim.
It's hard to always be focused
sometimes we get off track,
that's when this magic wand
will guide you safely back.
Keep it close to your heart
to keep your wishes in sight,
then go and make them happen
your futures looking bright.
~Sue Pitchfork~

#4 -

Here's a special magic wand
To use as you see fit
Use it if your need is great
Or just a little bit
You deserve the very best
That life can offer you
So go ahead and make a wish
And watch your dreams come true!
---Jennifer Byerly

#5-

If magic wands could only be
As real as all our wishes
I think that life would always be
Quite grand and so delicious!
Oh you're the kind of girl that has
A magic quite akin
To the beauty of a loving heart
Your magic comes within!
---Jennifer Byerly

#6 -

Here's a special magic wand
To help your dreams come true
Just close your eyes and make a wish
That's all you have to do
For you deserve the very best
That life can offer you
So go ahead and make a wish
And watch as it comes true!
---Jennifer Byerly

Magic Weight Loss Beans

Put some large dried beans into a baggie and add these directions.
1. Remove beans from bag.
2. Throw them on the floor.
3. Bend down and pick up each bean.
4. Repeat hourly as needed.

MAIL CARRIER IMPROVEMENT KIT

A magnifying glass - so you can see the correct addresses.
A map - for finding the right streets.
A clock - to help you be on time
Chewing Gum - to help you stick to the task.
Framed Photo of Postman Pat - For inspiration.
Smiley face stickers - for when you are having a bad day

As mail carriers go
you really aren't too good
but I'm sure you could get better
please try - I wish you would.
No matter what you think
you're stuck with this task
so is professional service
really too much to ask?
Merry Christmas to you
may the season bring you cheer
and if my wishes come true
you'll do better next year.
(c)Sue Pitchfork.

make a wish tin

--it's a small mint tin that has been nicely decorated with papers and rub-on's and birthday candles are tied together and placed inside.

Make Your Own Treat

(*use frozen or dried cookie mix*)
Poinsettia's are red
Cookies are sweet
I've been really busy
So make your own darn treat!

M&Ms Prescription
Red-take as needed to put pizzaz in your day
Blue-relieves pain caused by changes in plans
Yellow-increases digestion of good ideas
Green-gives you energy to keep up
Brown-kills infection caused by patience worn thin
Orange-relieves tension caused by too much to do and too little time to do it!

Man's mousepad

cats toy mouse glued to a maxi pad
---CrazzeeMoi

Marbles

The perfect gift for the over-stressed, distracted, and absentminded.
About your marbles
Although your marbles were recovered with a group of other thrill-seeking rollers, we have identified them. Your marbles have now been cataloged & typed. Please refer to the label on your marble's bottle for this important information.
Keep this information handy in the event you lose any or all of your marbles again.

Losing your marbles

Sometime you just plain lose your marbles.

This might explain locking your keys in your car, losing your wallet or purse, putting juice in the cupboard instead of the frig, sitting on the toilet when the seat is up, mooing at a cow, driving to work automatically even on the weekend, etc. Fortunately, this is usually a temporart situation. Take a deep breath & grab your marbles. It's going to be okay!
Be sure to keep your marbles sharp ...er, round!
The saying "use it or lose it" applies to marbles. Studies show it's important to keep your marbles active for good mental health. Here are a few recommended guidelines to help keep your marbles sane.

--Talk to your marbles:

Some people may think you've lost them but you can prove them wrong: "See!"
--Be proud of your marbles & show them off whenever possible: when guests come over, leave your marbles out on the table to spark conversation.

--At work:
Show your colleagues you have all your marbles & ask them if they have all of theirs.

--For insommia:
Simply count your marbles over & over, & over, & over. You may not fall asleep, but rest assured you will be tired of counting!
--Never put your marbles in a 'safe spot':
Many a-marbles have been lost by putting them away somewhere 'safe'. Out of sight, out of mind is the concept you need to understand here.

Your marbles & you
Remember, your marbles are individuals, & just like fingerprints, your marbles are yours for life (that is, of course, you don't lose them again.)
You + Use = Marble 'Youses'
(Youses are similar to uses but because your Marbles are individuals, you have your own creative 'youses'.)
When in doubt, use all you marbles to solve many everyday problems. Use your marbles as:
- instant nutcracker
- baby rattle
- fish bowl bottom decor
- imitation cellular phone static - "rattle...rattle...rattle"
- door stop
- flower vase accent
Advanced Youses: "Youse at your own risk!"

The chick picker-upper:

Simply roll a marble over to her at the bar & watch for her reaction. If n respons, roll her another one, and another, & another if needed.

Dude begone no picker-upper repellant:
If you receive unwanted advances in a bar, pull your marbles out & tell him it's date night with your marbles & you promised them privacy. (If this doesn't scare him off, pull out pictures of your cat dressed in doll clothes.)

Are you well rounded?
Your marbles are as unique as you are. The colors & patterns hold special meaning. The combination you possess says a lot about you as well. Each bottle of Genuine Lost Marbles contains: date your marbles were found, unique registration number to help you keep your marbles safe & sane, & your very own Owners Manual with tips, advice, & the meaning of your marble colors to help you sort it all out.

Understand your marble colors

blue swirly
Blue is the color of the ocean & sky & the earth from space. It represents the unlimited. It can also be for a melancholy 'blue' mood. You have a deep, unlimited side.

crystal clear
You communicate clearly, & have a purity of heart, mind & spirit that others admire.

fiesta
Clear with colorful thingies in it. A marble that looks like an eye means there's more to you than meets the eye. You personality has lots of colorful thingies in it.

jaded green
Green is the color of beginnings, spring, hope, life. It's also the color for 'green with envy'. If you have green marbles, talk to them in private about this matter. Together you can sort out the meaning.

mystic mystery
There is a mystery to us. Yourtrue friends can tell you what they are all about. (Just ignore the strange look you receive when you ask the meaning of them.)

red
Red is passion, love, spicy hot! Red is also used a lot on fast food signs to catch attention. So if you have red, you're hot & very loveable. (You may also be passionate about fast food.)

yellow
Bright & sunny, yellow is the color of joy & fun. It's the color of the iconic happy face. This is you! (Although your face has more dimension.)

Red & yellow swirly
You're hot & you're happy! Or you are happy, you are hot! One thing for sure is that everyone loves your smile.
Let the good times roll!!!
Now that you have found your marbles, good things are bound to happen.
Decisions might seem easier to make. You may feel more intelligent & complete, or experience greater inner peace.
One thing is certain. You will always be Marble-ous!
Now that you have all of your marbles, please help others find theirs at:

Label on bottle:

Genuine lost marbles - reclaimed & certified sane
What do your marble colors say about you?
The apology jar Nothing says, "I'm sorry, I just lost my marbles" like The Apology. Make them smile, laugh, and forget all about your mistake!

The tree hugger jar

Ideal for the nature lover in your life, the Tree Hugger is full of green and blue swirly marbles. Bring the outside into your home or office with marbles representing the ocean, sky, grass, and trees.

The vegas jar

Crazy weekend with your friends? Did somebody lose their marbles? Don't worry, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except your marbles. A perfect -- and discreet -- reminder of a fun getaway with friends.

The sherlock jar

Some people don't know how they lost their marbles. One day they're just gone! Solve the puzzle with The Sherlock, a mysterious mix of colorful marbles.

Happy camper jar

Everyone knows a happy camper -- bright, sunny, and cheerful. Celebrate the cheerful people in your life with a lovely jar full of colorful yellow and fiesta marbles!

Hottie jar

This jar is for anyone who is HOT and happy ... or happy that they are HOT! The Hottie is full of red and yellow swirly marbles that signify passion and happiness. The perfect gift for someone with a zest for life and a beautiful smile.

The well-rounded

Do you know someone who has lost all of their marbles equally? This is for a special breed: the truly well rounded ... or the truly lost.

my sayings:

the old marble & chain
the marble is in your court
I have a marble with you
I still have something on the marble - I am just too tired to roll it
it's your birthday - have a marble!
life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you roll
let the good marbles roll
that's just the way the marble rolls
rolling along
that's just how I roll
Lady Luck: just a roll of the marble
marbles in the belfry
crazy as a marble
blow out the marbles
sending a bouquet of marbles especially for you
don"t stress about birthdays; more marbles just make life brighter
hope your day is filled with marbles & fun
a marble to grow on
hope your birthday is jam-packed with marbles!
maybe a marble will help
rollin' by with a birthday Hi!
today is your day to roll
a marble a day keeps the doctor away
take care of your marbles & get well soon
to remind you that your marbles are here to help
add my name to the list of marbles who care about you
A marble is good medicine
Put a little marble in your swagger
If friends were marbles, I'd pick you
roll to the occasion
our marbles are on you
keep your marble up
of all the things I've lost, I miss my marbles the most

The Marble Story

A friend of mine once said to me,this marble is for you.
Cause I was sure I had lost all of mine, when life became so blue.
For now I know despite the odds, my marbles may be few.
But this friend of mine reminded me, life can be wonderful too.
So here's a marble just for you, and only for some fun.
So when you think you've "lost your marbles", you know you have at least one.
source unknown

You can fasten a marble to a card with the poem printed on it and give it to your friend.

#2 - Losing your marbles

1 marble in a small
zip bag a little bigger than a business card.
A poem inside was the size of a business card, with decorative trim around the edges. It read:
Sometimes it seems we lose our way and life becomes so blue.
You think you've lost your "marbles" and others suspect it's true.
But in spite of all the odds my friend, life can be wonderful too.
Just remember, that no matter what, I'm always here for you.
So when you think you've lost them all; pull out my gift to you. It may be small, and only one...but you haven't lost them all!!!

Marriage license

A marriage License should be like a Fishing License.
It expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3 day license. If you think about it women and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right most are good to eat. Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty. If you bring one home, no matter how well you treat them, they start going bad and fresh ones are always better!!! Practice CATCH and RELEASE.

Massage Oil (X) (molded)

Note: For an easy massage oil... just add a bit of scent to baby oil, add poem and imagination! You can even decoupage torn pieces of wrapping paper to the bottle and glue poem to the front.
4 T solid vegetable shortening
3 T solid cocoa butter
2 T solid coconut oil
1 T beeswax
1 T paraffin wax
10 drops essential oil (orange, cinnamon or whatever you like)

Heat all ingredients, except essential oil, in a microwave one minute at a time until melted or melt in a double boiler.
Stir until liquid. Beat for several minutes until emulsified and slightly thick. If it isn't thickening, place bowl in ice water as you beat it with a wire whip or an electric mixer.
Add essential oil. Pour into lightly oiled molds. (Most chocolate molds are a perfect size.) Refrigerate until set.
Wrap in plastic and store in a cool place.
To use, simply hand warm molded oil and give a massage to your favorite person. Don't forget the poem!

Massaging with this special oil
will make you tingle and shudder.
But beware as you relax and unwind
that one thing may lead to another!
---Shirley Thomas

Maxi pad Slippers:

You need four maxi's to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. There you have slippers. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. OR -I made the pad about slippers, by sewing 1/2 a pad across the toe area. I just zigzagged all around the pad attaching the toe section as I stitched. Make the toe section long enough that it stands up over the sole, like a real pair of slippers. I glued on a ruffle of lace to the toe section, a little bow also and they look almost too good to be pads.
Here's the Note for the Maxi pad Slippers:

Pad About Slippers

(for the Discrete Woman)

* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature
* Keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable.
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes:
Regular, Light day and Get out the Sand Bags

#2 -

the holiday season was drawing near,
time was flying by so fast..
my list was still very, very long
like all the year's of Christmas past.
I blew my Christmas budget
With no extra cash in reserve
I thought & thought some more
About the special gift you so deserve.
I came up with a cheaper plan,
Grabbed some silk flowers & clippers....
Put my creative talents to work
Making you these slippers.

A melted snow man.

Take a mason jar or some sort of clear jar and put water in it. Put in a carrot, a button and two small pieces of coal. I thought about charcoal??? Put a label on the jar that reads: Melted snow man. May be refrozen and molded into original snow man head. Warning: Do not drink because, well, it's simply gross!

Memory aid

..."Now what in the world did I come here for?" Memory Jogger (mini post-a-note pad on string to put around neck

Men in my life

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

P.S. The Preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am ,in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement. I ask myself what am I here after?

Menopause Fan

People were making little paper fans or buying cheap ones and giving them with a poem

#1 -

If you wake up really hot
And you think you need a breeze
Then here's a great idea
That's really gonna please
It's a fan to cool you off
And it's made for you to use
When it feels just like your hormones
Are singing hot flash blues!
Jennifer Byerly

#2 -

When you feel hot and
sticky, and the sweat
pours down your nose.
A menopause fan is
what you need, so
you can recompose....
---Gsnap

#3 -

Menopause is no fun,
especially when the
sweat does run....
What you need is
something to keep
you cool, and that's
what this menopause
fan will do...
---Gsnap

#4 -

When you feel hot and
slumpy,
A menopause fan for
those flashes, will
make you feel less
grumpy....
--Gsnap

#5 -

Take this menopause
fan, and keep it
close to hand....
And when a flash
overcomes you...
just fan, fan, fan,
and soon you'll feel
grand...
---Gsnap

#6 -

Now ladies, don't you
fret, when menopause
makes you sweat....
This little fan is
the solution, and it
will also help stop
air pollution.....
---Gsnap

#7 - not quite menopausal:

As you get older
You may be glad
To find this fan
Tucked in your bag
But for the time being
I hope it will please
As you cool down
In it's sweet breeze
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Menopause Relief Box

it contains -
Hot Flash Cream
Memory Cream
Marbles
Menopause Cream
Menopause Fan

#1 -

This box contains all you need
to make menopause a breeze,
forget about hot flashes
the cream is sure to please.
If your memory fails you
the cream will soothe your mind,
and there's a few spare marbles
of the "save your sanity" kind.
When you need to cool things off
there's a fan to chill you,
so while dealing with menopause
this kit will help you through.
~Sue Pitchfork~

#2 -

Menopause Relief
If the hot flash cream fails to work
then disregard the memory cream.
Forget the marbles, grab the fan,
wave it madly, let go and scream!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com 2004

Menopause wand

I just recently bought packages (4 in a pack) of bubble wands (25 cents at a garage sale) with the idea of embellishing them for some type of wand. I would imagine you could find them at dollar stores.

https://www.craftsayings.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1481

#1

- Burning up one minute
And then you find you're cold
Worrying about whether
It means you're gettin' old?

Thighs a little thicker
Waist a tad bit too?
Breasts are sagging quite a bit
What's a girl to do!

The doctor says "don't worry!"
"You're goin' through the change!"
All's you think is "thank you!"
'I thought I was deranged!'

So step right up and listen
This is perfect just for you
It's a menopause magic wand
And here is what you do

The next time dear old hubby says
"Hey babe let's go to bed"
Raise the wand into the air
Then smack him on the head!
By: Jennifer Byerly
here's a few different alternate endings for singles or otherwise:

The next time someone bugs you
And gets under your skin
Smack 'em with this magic wand
And you'll feel better again!
or:
The next time you feel grumpy
And others won't get back
Use this magic wand on them
And give a little smack!
or:
The next time you feel grumpy
Your nerves are on attack
Use this magic wand so you
Can give someone a smack!
by: Jennifer Byerly

Men's underwear repair kit

...fix it on the fly
elastic waist band cincher
needle and thread
iron on hole patches
safety pins
bottle of "underwear white-out"

duct tape

white shoe polish
This would be funny to present the kit in a 'Hillbilly briefcase' or pair of underwear with handles.

#1 -

Are your tighty-whities all worn out?
Are they dingy and not bright?
This repair has everything needed
To having them looking new and white
---katieangelamber©2005

Millionaire seeds

(lima or butter beans with a '$' sign written on one side & several in a baggie)

I took a bag of yellow-eyed beans and spraypainted them metallic gold. They came out really nice. I ended up with more gold nuggets than I will ever use. Last night my son was going to a pirate party so I made him a little booty bag and stuck some of the nuggets in the bag so he would have something for trading with the other pirates.
Now I need to come up with some other ideas to use the rest of these nuggets.
Crafty

Plant seeds in a warm spot, dollar side facing up. Tree will grow upside down if planted incorrectly.

Do NOT mention the words invest or stocks if
standing in the vicinity of seeds.
Doing so may cause stunted growth.
Be patient. It takes a long time to grow your own money tree.
For best results, shout 'I want to be a millionaire!' while watering. Show me the money!

Im gonna plant these dollar seeds
With my own two hands
Im gonna cultivate the soil
And work a piece of land
Then when I am a millionaire
My life will be so grand
No silver spoon is in my mouth
Cuz I'm a self made man!
2005 Jennifer Byerly

#2 -

I'm taking the easy way
there's no work for me
I'll plant these seeds
and grow a money tree.
Then when I get rich
a millionaire no less
I'll tell folks that gardening
is what I love doing best!
Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Mime award

Employee award for the advanced development of the 'pretending to work' skill set. In recognition of accomplished technique & convincing delivery.

Mini fly swatter
Cut a small square from plastic canvas.
Slipstitch around edge with yarn.
Glue the end of a popsicle stick to the back.
Add a small flower and bow.
Glue fly to corner of swatter.
Glue magnet to back.
Optional: Cut the entire shape including handle from a piece of plastic canvas.
Link for tags:
https://www.craftsayings.com/projects/gag_gifts/fly_swatter/index.shtml

#1 -

I am here to rid you of
Those teeny, tiny flies!
They may not be too scared of me
'Cause I am just their size,
But when they land nearby to see
If I am what they thought,
You can use the real thing
To give them a big SWAT!
---©2004 Kelli Williams

#2 -

I may be kinda small
So please don't scoff
I'm here to warn the flies
"HEY YOU! BUZZ OFF!"
---© 2004 Jennifer Byerly

#3 -

Those tiny pesky little flies
require a tiny little swatter,
so that when you swat them
there's not too big a splatter!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Missionary Stocking

I used a toddler shirt, but would use a larger one when possible, maybe a 4T. Be very careful about the size you choose - it turns out to hold a lot more than you thought possible!

Items needed:
1) white button-down with collar shirt (pocket-less best because it doesn't fit with a sock pattern very well)
2) old tie
3) tie tack
4) name tag
5) one dot of Velcro.

Simply cut a sock pattern from newspaper or paper bag (either draw freehand, get one of your decorations out and trace around it, or buy a cheap one and trace it).Make sure the shirt is completely buttoned up, and turn inside out. Place the sock pattern (remember here to place the sock opposite of the direction you want the finished toe to point). Make sure that the pattern is such to include the entire collar of the shirt and most of the buttons down the front. Cut out the sock. With a basic stitch (if you aren't familiar with sewing machines) sew up the sides.

Now unbutton a couple of the buttons and turn the shirt right-side out. Again, using a simple stitch on the machine, sew down the front by the buttons! This will keep the sock closed and not gap. Depending on the size of the shirt, fashion a tie. - When I made the one from a toddler shirt, I cut the tail of the narrow end of the tie off. You just need to turn the end to a point and sew closed. Or, buy a toddler clip-on tie (thrift store - because it's just for show!). After attaching the tie, tack the collar down (all around) with thread. Put a small piece of velcro on the shirt where the name tag will be. If your son uses tie tacks, put a real one on the tie (doubles as an extra gift), or use an old earring for show (again, a great buy at a thrift store).

The final addition is a name tag. Get a black piece of construction paper or card stock. Cut out a piece the size that would fit on the shirt. Using a white or silver pen (the kind used for scrap booking - can be found at any craft store and most Wal-Mart now), print in small block letters his name. Remember, unless you can write really tiny, you wont have room enough to put the entire tag information on this - unless it's a large size. Either laminate or use a small piece of clear shelf paper to cover (the poor man's laminate). Put a dot of velcro on the back of the tag and attach to the shirt. I just made it up and did it. Not much to fuss over. I used a size 2T and it held two pairs of socks, a tie, stopwatch, pens, shoelaces and candy, etc. Quite a lot. Plus it was small enough to fit into a bubble envelope to mail.

Missouri Mule Barometer (see also Weather Rock)

Barometer is supposed to represent a mule's tail. It can be made from multiple wraps of thread, yarn, etc, around something, cut on one end & tied with a loop at the other. Maybe cut the back end of a horse from wood, fun foam etc.

Tag:

You are the proud owner of a Missouri Mule Barometer. Treat it well, & it will reward you with years of accurate prognostications.
INSTRUCTIONS:
Hang it outside on a nail. Check it each day.
If it is wet, it is raining.
If it is stiff, it is freezing.
If it is warm, it is hot.
If it is dry, it is fair.
If it is wet & swinging, it is stormy.
If it is white, it is snowing.
If you can't see it, it is foggy.
If it is moving, it is windy.
If it's gone, you've been ripped off.
If all else fails, remember this Ozark wisdom: it will either rain or it won't.

Money matters:

Cold hard cash
Credit card surgery kit
Daimond stick pin
Free ticket
Gas prices
Kitchen safe
Laundry loot jar
Millionaire seeds
Money plant
Money seeds
Money tree starter kit
Nothing in a jar
penny pincher
senior citizen's money clip
sock bank
Tack's shelter
TP roll

Money salad

dollar bills
paper shred
light-weight artificial berries
Put in a salad bowl, toss & cover with plastic wrap.
Add:
salad tongs
box of crackers
bottle of bacon bits
salad dressing

#2

-a little different version of the salad. I get a styrofoam ball and tape bills on it and fix a few on the outside of it to look like lettuce leaves. I then put it in a bowl, add some salad tongs, a package of bacon bits and a bottle of salad dressing. It looks like a head of lettuce with all the fixings.

I came to your wedding
and I thought I'd bring a plate
didn't feel like cooking
but a salad sounded great.

So I tossed together love
and some best wishes too
sprinkled it with a blessing
hoping life is good to you.

Then I took some money
and added it for fun
hoping you enjoy this dish
now your marriage has begun.
~Sue Pitchfork~

I was going to bake a batch of bread
but I mixed up these greens instead.
You still get the dough either way
but it's best kept for a rainy day.
shirleyt@craftsayings.com

What this salad lacks in vitamins
it will make up in fun and grins,
and have as much as you please
because it has no calories!
shirleyt@craftsayings.com

This serving of greens
may not be very delicious
but at any restaurant
trade it in for a meal on us!
shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Money TP

Take play money and attach together and roll around TP tube.

You have so much cash
That it's coming out your ears
So I made you this roll
For wiping your rear
ME Ryan 2006

Money Tree Seeds/Gag Gift.....

1 - The little bag was filled with Lima beans that had $ signs painted on them
2 - Trim, fold & glue the packet. Fill with gold wrapped chocolate coins. - Shirley T.

How often have you heard, that money
doesn't grow on trees?
Well my friend, take a look at these!!
Seeds to grow a money tree, so you
can have a shopping spree.......

These rare seeds that I found, need to
be planted in the ground....
If they don't grow within a week, another
place to plant, you'll have to seek.....

If your tree doesn't start to grow real
soon...Dig them up, and wait for a full
moon.....
If these tips don't grow you a money tree,
The lesson learned, is, Nothing's for Free.

Or the last line could be...
The lesson learned, is, Nothing in Life is Free....
-by gingersnap

Monster spray
#1 -

with this spray
all monsters away
without delay
they're gone, to stay.
---Susan

#2 -

Monster be gone spray
Just a little monster spray
Makes the monsters go away.
They all will quickly disappear
So there's nothing left to fear!
---Shirley

Moose Kisses

by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Straight from the North Pole
there's a moose on the loose,
and he sends these kisses
to wish a Merry Kissmoose!

Moose munch

Carmel corn &/or trail mix.
Life moves so fast as Christmas nears
And we seldom take a minute
To stop and eat, just grab some sweet
With nothing healthy in it.
So here's a little guy that holds
A treat that's good for you!
This Moose Munch comes with wishes
For a Merry Christmas, too!
---© 2004 Kelli Williams

#2

Most popular around Christmas
But delicious all year through
I much enjoy my 'Moose Munch'
But I'll gladly share with you
---© 2004 lou buffkin

#3 -

To take you away on safari
snack on this moose crunch.
You'll even hear the sounds
of a moose when you munch!
---by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

More you use it

This simply says " The more you use it, the weaker it gets"
Package with a pen & a battery

Mosquitoes in a jar
Put some tiny Easter eggs in a baby food jar
...or maybe make them edible like tictacs, etc.

#1 -

Here's a little gift for you
Some mosquito eggs in a jar
I know you'll be surprised to find
Their bigger than you think they are
But that's because in Canada
We don't believe in being small size
So be careful when you open them
In case they hatch before your eyes
(c) 0204 Yvonne Lowther

------

Mosquito eggs are very small
At least that's what they say
But look at the ones I collected
From the mosquitoes down our way

Now take great care when opening it
For they may hatch, I've heard them tell
And if they do then drop the jar
Take off and run like hell!
(C) 0204 Yvonne Lowther

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