Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems.

Collection of Gag gifts with short Craft Poems
from Easter to Internet Chain Letters

Easter

Basket or large plastic egg
...chick - peep it up; one cute chick
...booboo bunny
...bunny bait
...bunny tails - marshmallows
...Easter bunny poop
...Easter bunny soup
...Happy Easter seeds
...Jelly bean soup
...magic Easter bunny dust
...magic bunny food
...magic bunny key
...squeeze bunny

Eat a bugs

Put punched, gummy or toy bugs in a bag with these toppers:
When you are upset
and in need of a hug
take care of that need -
just eat a bug.
---jazbo

You are annoying
and want a hug;
sorry; can't help you
so go eat a bug.
---jazbo

When you are upset
And kind of feeling blue
Here are some juicy bugs
Upon which you can chew
katieangelamber©2005

Gee you're really whiney
would you like cheese with that?
Please just go away
and stop acting like a brat!
You should go eat a bug
to sweeten up your mood
get out of my sight
I think you're very rude.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Eat crow

Fill a bag or small basket with the following:
- a fabric crow
- plastic fork & spoon
- recipe card:
Sing a song of sixpence
, pocket full of rye,
four and twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
the birds began to sing:
isn't that a dainty dish
to set before the King?

"To eat crow means 'to suffer humiliation', and specifically 'to be forced to admit to having made an error, as by retracting an emphatic statement'. An example from the mystery writer "Ellery Queen" in 1930: "I should merely be making an ass of myself if I accused someone and then had to eat crow."

Crows are notoriously disagreeable birds, in every respect. Scavengers, they are not suitable for eating. An old joke among outdoorsmen holds that if you get lost in the woods without any food and manage to catch a crow, you should put it in a pot with one of your boots, boil it for a week, and then eat the boot. Eating crow, therefore, is an especially unpleasant and humiliating thing to have to do."

Eat a frog

Put punched, toy, gummy frogs, etc., in a baggie with this topper:
First thing in the morning, eat a frog. Nothing worse can happen to you.
Some days really suck
you wish you stayed in bed
but things could be worse
you might have woke up dead!
So to make sure things get better
and smoother times lay ahead
eat a frog in the morning
then there's nothing worse to dread.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Eating a frog
About midday
Will help to keep
The horney TOADS away
katieangelamber©2005

When you feel the urge to shop
But you need some extra hop
A couple of frogs will put you over the top
So you can shop till you drop
katieangelamber©2005

Some days are really bad
you want to stay in bed
but here's a little trick
that someone once said.
To help your day improve
and to clear your head
eat a frog in the morning
then there's nothing left to dread.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Edible Body Paint (X)

3 Tab. sugar
1/2 c. cornstarch
2 c. cold water
1 tsp. flavoring or extract
Mix sugar & cornstarch.
Add cold water.
Cook over low heat, stirring constantly until thick.
Add food coloring to match your flavor. (Examples: yellow for lemon, blue for blueberry, red for cherry or strawberry, black for licorice, green for apple or lime)
Add poem & your imagination. Don't know if it stains!
Edible Body Paint - by Shirley

I hope you don't mind if
I swathe you in body paint.
I promise when I take it off
You won't have a complaint!!

"electric" toilet plunger.

It was just a normal toilet plunger with a hole drilled in the top and an electric cord w/plug glued into the hole.

Emergency marbles

Keep these marbles on a shelf
And treat them with great care.
When you find you're loosing yours
, You'll always have a spare!

Emergency preparedness

Tie several corn cobs up with a homespun bow & attach:
... In case of emergency
... Emergency Toilet Paper

Empty mug

I know it's just an empty cup,
please don't scream and shout.
I would have made a cup of coffee
but as you know there's a drought.
So when the rain comes down again
make sure you save each drop.
Make yourself a cup of coffee,
you could even fill a pot.
--by Rita Wilson

Just an empty mug -
it's not what you think.
It's full of possibilities,
besides holding a drink.

Set it on your desk,
to hold pens & things.
Or on your dresser,
for your jewlery & rings.

Fill it full of candy,
for a snack or two;
Whatever goes in it
is up to you.
--jazbo 14.07.10

EMT's M&Ms

red - for th flashing of the strobe & light
blue - for the quick response time, even at night
green - for volunteering talent & time for free
orange -for ongoing training to be a dedicated EMT
brown - for efforts required to pull together as a cohesive team
yellow - for the hope you give, though bleak the situation may be
Eat the entire pack when the occasion appears critical

Encouragement

I know that life has dealt you a bad hand and you feel lost in the shuffle(CARDS)... But listen to me. I'm going to put a (BUG) in your ear and I promise I won't pull the (WOOL) over your eyes or beat around the (BUSH). This is straight from the (HORSE'S) mouth. You are (ONE) in a million and there's no (TWO) ways about it. Keep putting your best (FOOT) forward and remember...Every (CLOUD) has a silver lining and you are worth your weight in (GOLD) (SALT).
--Deanna

Deck of cards or just a few
piece of wool
plastic bush or leaves
The number1
toy horse
Toy bug
A foot
The Number 2
Some cotton to look like a cloud
Plastic bug
salt or golden nuggets of some kind

Especially for Lovers

Put a small amount of beach sand in a small craft bag. Insert this in a slightly larger craft bag.
Tag:
For Lovers ... who dream of making love on the beach ...(instructions on back)...just sprinkle lightly between the sheets.
---Carmen

#1

- to go with sand & shells in a jar:
a summer honeymoon
of romance, sand & fun;
a treasured time of loving
with your chosen one.
Escaping from the world
Just the 2 of you alone,
As you make a life together -
Planning to make a house a home.
Soon the honeymoon is over
& real life comes crashing in;
so let this jar remind you
of each magical little thing.
The way you love each other
The commitment & the care,
This jar contains the memories
That the two of you share.
(created especially for me by Sue Pitchfork AKA Tomsmum)

#2

- a little jar of sunshine,
to chase away the rain;
filled with warm wishes
for summer to come again.
Hold it close to your heart
& think of happy days.
Think of your honeymoon
&by the pool you laze.
Winter won't last forever
Like cares it will melt away.
& this jar full of sunshine
will remind you to play.
---Tomsmum AKA Sue Pitchfork

excuses for work

collect some excuses & put in some kind of container so you will never be without an excuse when the boss catches you. (see decision dice, excuses for work - above)

Executive hammock

- the ultimate high-powered relaxation device
- be the envy of your colleagues
- perfect for power napping.
- compact enough to tuck into your briefcase or desk drawer
- can be strung between your office doors
- requires 2 or more willing subordinates (not included)

Exercise is a dirty word

(small chocolate bar in a baggie)
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time it comes to mind, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Exercise is good for you

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!!
- laughter helps: it's like jogging on the inside

Exercise Program

Monday
...beat around the bush
...jump to conclusions
...climb the walls
...wade through the paperwork
Tuesday
...drag my heels
...push my luck
...make mountains out of mole hills
...hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
...bend over backwards
...jump on the band wagon
...balance the books
...run around in circles
Thursday
...toot my own horn
...climb the ladder of success
...pull out all the stops
...add fuel to the fire
Friday
...open a can of worms
...put my foot in my mouth
...start the ball rolling
...go over the edge
Saturday
...pick up the pieces
...whew!
...what a workout!!!
Sunday
...Rest!!!!!
---by Annette

N O T I C E !!

This office, department requires no physical fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility & pushing their luck.

Exotic rubber tree plant (X)

Use very cheap condoms. Unwrap, but do NOT unroll each condom. Poke green floral wire through the center of condom and then bend the end of wire down so it doesn't slide off. Glue a small rose or flower to the center of each condom, covering the wire. Poke wire stems into a potted green leafy plant. Add a bow to plant if desired. Add poem.

Another idea is to wrap the stems with florist tape adding an artificial green leaf here and there so they look like real flower stems. Then put a few in a bunch and wrap some tissue paper around it like a bouquet. Baby's breath and filler would add a nice touch. In fact with enough filler, you could probably just use one like a long stem rose.

Some bloom few and far between,
Some only at night and some every day.
They bloom in many different sizes
And once they bloom they wilt away.

They don't need water, food or light...
Just lots of love and attention,
And when used in certain settings
They can even alleviate tension.
---Shirley Thomas

Face Lift

Use heat duct tape or a mini stapler from the dollar store:

If you have too many wrinkles
And you want a new face as a gift
Place this tape in strategic places
For a simply amazing face lift!
---katieangelamber

If you need an instant face lift
To help you shed some years
Grab a piece of duct tape
Stick that flab to your ears!
©Joy Prance 07-23-04

..."Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!"

Fairy Dust

1/4 c. aloe vera gel
1/2 tsp. glycerin
coloring
fairy dust (cosmetic glitter)
Mix all ingredients and it is ready to use.

Fairy Dust Glitter Gel

This fun, whimsical gel is great for your skin. Apply a little anytime you want to sparkle and shine.
Aloe Gel--1/4 cup
Glycerin--1 tsp
Fine Glitter--1/4 tsp
Essential Oil--5 drops
Mix aloe and glycerin in a small bowl. Stir in glitter and essential oil. It is ready to use immediately.

"Fairy Dust Powder"

1/2 cup rice flour
1/2 cup cornstarch
1 tsp finely ground lavender flowers
1 tsp finely ground rose petals
1/2 tsp mica (a mineral with *shiny* attributes)

Fake spaghetti & meatballs

2-3 tablespoons white household glue
2-3 tablespoons red acrylic paint
White household string
Cut string into lengths to resemble spaghetti strands.
Squeeze glue into small bowl. Dip string into glue. Wipe off excess glue and assemble string into pile on plastic plate.
For the "sauce", combine equal parts of red paint and glue and pour the mixture over the fake spaghetti. Let dry.

Fake Meatballs:

Styrofoam pieces
Brown acrylic paint
Use a melon baller to scoop out meatball-sized pieces of styrofoam.
Pour paint into baggie.
Drop "meatballs" into paint.
Pull them out of bag by sticking them with toothpicks. Poke opposite end of toothpicks into a chunk of styrofoam. Let dry. Remove toothpicks.
- run some playdough or other hardening clay through a garlic press.
- pasta-colored yarn, red paint for sauce, brown pompoms for meatballs

Fan away your worries

a paint stirrer handle, wallpaper& cut into any shape - heart, flower, etc & include poem on the back

Fan away your worries
Close your eyes and you will see
To each cloud there's a silver lining
Each time for all to see.
So as you look at the horizon
Feel the soft breeze and you will know
God's love is everlasting
The Bible tells us so!
Doreen Scerri © 2006

Fanny Floss = crochet thread or heavy cotton cording, label reads for those hard to reach areas.

Fifty rocks!

- wrap up 50 rocks & include a note saying, Fifty rocks!
- a big milestone
- oh no! the big 5-0

Fifty sucks

50 items in a basket:
candles
marshmallows
M&M's
Toothpicks,
Gummi worms
Kisses
Marbles
rubber bands
paperclips
mints
balloons
a 50 cent piece.
50 balloons - to lift your spirits
50 band aids - old people are fragile
50 Beans- Old men need more fibre; to remind you what an old fart you are getting to be; has ?bean';
50 bobby pins - to pin back all that GRAY hair
50 candles - so you are never in the dark
50 cheerios - say 'cherrio' to 49
50 clothes pins - you're 50, Hang in there!
50 crayons - to color your day
50 golf tees - cause you are T-riffic
50 kernels of corn - at 50 your more corny than horny!
50 kisses - to make your old age sweeter
50 marbles - for when you lose yours
50 paper clips- to hold it all together
50 peanuts - Getting older can make you nutty.
50 pennies- all your ?2 cents' worth' has added up; Now you're 50 you'll need all the cents (sense) you can get.
50 plastic spoons - to stir things up
50 playing cards - if no longer have a full deck.
50 rocks (stones) - 50 "ROCKS"
50 rubber bands-
50 safety pins - to keep you safe
50 smarties - so you never feel dumb
50 spools of thread:

A set of threads
Just for you
So you can sew
And mend things too
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther
50 suckers- 50 sucks
50 tissues - who said big boys don't cry?
50 tooth picks - to help you pick out your next 50 friends
Take her birthday card to the mall or somewhere and have 50 people she doesn't know sign it. Then when she opens her card and starts asking who are these people you can say things like "Don't you remember them??? Your memory is really starting to fail. Guess you really are getting old and forgetful!"

Fish & chips

plastic fish & wood chips or poker chips

Here's some fish and chips
to brighten up your day
when you want to brag
about the one that got away.
Wanna bet it was THIS big
with teeth so big and sharp
maybe it wasn't a fish after all
perhaps it was a shark!!
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

When you are on a diet
You can have your chips and fish
But don't reach for salt and vinegar
You won't need them on this dish
The best thing of all about them
Is they won't add calories to your day
And just by having them near you
Your craving may go away
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Fish bait

You put dried peas in a baggie with the instructions -
Sprinkle peas on the water. When the fish come up to take a P** catch em! Use name of local river, lake, etc.
Link for tags:
https://www.craftsayings.com/projects/gag_gifts/fish_bait/index.shtml

Fishermen's Measuring Tape

take 12 inches of elastic, mark inches from 1 to 12 with a black sharpie or felt pen. Put in a plastic bag and label. They sell for a dollar.

Fish Seeds

It's known you like to fish a lot,
your line dropped in the water.
But sometimes they aren't biting,
so you can't catch what you oughter!
When these times come, just grab
this pack of ready-to-grow fish seed,
then raise them til they fit the size
your best "fish stories" need!
Put this topper on a little baggie of goldfish crackers.

Fish sticks

put a fish picture and silly fisherman sayings on craft sticks...packaged about 6 to a package, made a topper and sold them as "fish sticks".
---Deanna

Flash sweat warning

A Flash sweat warning
the weather man did say
is coming hot and heavy
and heading your way!
You best prepare yourself
by putting on this band
for once the flashes start
things can get out of hand.
© Sue Pitchfork

Flu bug soup

1) you will need a 15 ounce flip top - fruit or soup
2) Open can from bottom with a safety can opener and remove contents.
3) great detailed tutorial below
https://www.countrycharmgraphics.com/sto ... y.asp?ID=7
Then fill can with a small package of tissues, cough drops, dry soup mix, Hershey's Hugs? and Kisses?
4) Put tag with poem inside can
5) Reseal according to tutorial

Tag
Get Well Ingredient Contents:

Pack of Tissues - to blow that runny, irritated nose.
Dry Soup Mix - that warms you from head to toes!
Cough Drops -to soothe your raw, scratchy throat.
Hugs and kisses- A speedy recovery to promote!
© Crafty Me2 2007

Soup Directions

Heard the Flu Bug has bitten you,
So ... here's a remedy or two!
Open the can and ...
then take a look inside,
To see the handy tag provided,
as your get well guide!
©Crafty Me2 2007

Fly swatter

real or tiny ones made from plastic canvass

I may be kinda small
So please don't scoff
I'm here to warn the flies
"HEY YOU! BUZZ OFF!"
© 2004 Jennifer Byerly

---for the little things that bug you

Food Troubles

...can't eat beef........mad cow.
Can't eat chicken...... bird flu
Can't eat eggs...... again, bird flu
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies
Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmm! I believe that leaves Chocolate!
(Make up a topper with a small bag of chocolate)

Football stress seeds

(baggie with colored candy sprinkles)
Quarter back sacked...............red
Missed field goal...................pink
Fumble..............................purple
............................yellow
off sides..............................green
face mask............................blue
unnecessary roughness.............white
stupid mistakes .....................one of each

*40 SUCKS*

as a birthday gag gift, stick how ever many suckers you need into a block of styrofoam that is glued into the bottom of a flower pot. Put a sign on the pot that says *40 SUCKS* or whatever milestone birthday it is.
You could take 40 suckers and make a sucker bouquet with a sign in the middle, "40 SUCKS"!!. If you are real crafty...make black covers for the suckers
..40 candles for her cake.
..Forty marbles.....one for every year you lost one of yours!!
..Forty mints......every year of your life has been worth a "mint".
..Forty pennies.........your 2 cents have added up over the years!!
.. 40 Hershey's Kisses and 40 Hershey's Hugs for "Hugs and kisses

.. why not include 40 of your favorite chocolate sayings in with the kisses? I've done this ever since the sayings jars were discussed a few years ago - I've used both jars and baggies. Cut out the sayings into strips and fold as small as possible.
.. 40th birthday jar using many ideas gathered from ladies in this group. I purchased a nice glass jar and put in:
40 marbles - for all those she had lost over the years
40 pennies - her two cents have added up
40 lollipops - for those days when being 40 sucks
40 candles - to light up her life
40 balloons - just for fun
40 sayings on turning 40
40 rubber stamps (alphabets and some extras)
40 stickers (very cute ones too!!)
40 background papers
40 different shapes/textures envelopes
40 clear envelopes
40 PENNIES (all in the year that I was BORN) <~~~ LOVED this best! :-)
40 mini brass brads
40 Dollars Certificate to favorite restaurant
40 reasons why they love me. (written on slips of paper by family members)
40 homemade address labels
40 homemade recipe cards
40 tablets to a better life (One a Day Vitamins, in a cute little jar). :-)

Heard you'll soon be havin'
The mighty big "4-0"
So here's a little gift
In case you're feelin' low
It's a sucker bouquet
So that you can "lick"
Your blues 'bout turnin' forty
To give you back your kick!
Hey friend I gotta tell ya
That you've aged quite well
You haven't many wrinkles
(At least that I can't tell!)
But still you may be feelin'
A bit down on your luck
So settle in your rocker
And give a little suck!
Jennifer B.

A request for someone turning 40...not a traditional "haha you're 40 poem though":
As you travel life's highway
For the rest of your life
May you never meet worry
Or crash into strife
May your horn always honk
And you always have gas
May you keep your parts oiled
So that you will last!
You've still got plenty of years left you know
Just be sure to look both ways wherever you go!
Jennifer B.

They say turning 40
means you're over the hill
but I don't believe it
there's life in you still.
So while 40 sucks
might be a turn of phrase
these forty lollipops
will brighten up your days.
~Sue Pitchfork~

Even though you're 40 now
you're still in perfect harmony,
aging like fine wine and
smooth as a symphony!
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Happy Birthday To You
Now that you're 40 too
All of us just want to say
HAPPY 40TH. BIRTHDAY!
katieangelamber © 2004

40th Anniversary

Did you know it's forty years ago
(name)and (name)said 'I do'
So we're giving them a party
And want to invite you

They're a really special couple
And it's their Ruby Wedding Day
So come and help them celebrate it
With joy and laughter all the way.
--©0104 Yvonne Lowther

Frazzled pencil twirler

"If you are nervous or upset,
And you don't know what to do;
Just twirl me between your hands,
And I'll blow my top for you!"

These cute, furry heads get frazzled when you spin them. Simply, place the pencil or pen between your palms and rub them together. The spinning motion makes the fur fly outward and get all messed-up. Then, straighten the fur neatly by pulling upward, and spin it again!

Free ticket

This is a free ticket. It's not good for anything, it's just free.

Friendship ball
(a glitter pompom in a baggie)

The Friendship Ball

A ball is a circle
No beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like
our circle of friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see
Is the treasure of friendship
You've granted to me.
Today I pass the Friendship Ball to you!

Friendship Box

This is a very special gift
That you can never see,
The reason it's so special is...
It's just for you from me.
Whenever you are lonely,
Or ever feeling blue
You only have to hold this gift,
And know I think of you.
You never can unwrap it-

Please, leave the ribbon tied Just hold the box close to your heart.
It's filled with love, inside

Wrap a small block of wood 2x2 or 3x3 with fabric and tie with a bow. Attach the above poem. Unknown source.

Friendship candle

Wax to melt away your cares
A Wick to light up your day
Color to reflect on all we share
Fragrance of memories along the way

A "scent"imental gift
For a special friend
Friendship First Aid kit
Get some fun band aids in solid, bright colors. Decorate band aids with a permanent marker & write on a friendly message.

Get well soon
I'm sorry
To take away your pain
Hope you're better
Ouch!!
Owie!!

Decorate with simple designs:
lips (like in kiss it & make it better)
smiley face
hearts
Maybe put a couple in a craft baggie for those times when special band aids are needed.

FRIENDSHIP KNOTS

A true friend is KNOT critical.
A true friend is KNOT thoughtless or Judgmental.
A true friend is KNOT untrustworthy and does KNOT destroy.
Rather she builds.
A true friendship is KNOT just a blessing but is a miracle.
A true friendship is KNOT to be taken for granted.
You are rich if you have but one true friend.
Do KNOT forget to be that true friend.
Let's keep our friendship KNOT'S knotted tightly so our friendship do KNOT slip away!
(Use pretzels or make Homemade bread KNOTS)

Frog seeds

Green tic tacs
Green jelly beans
green M&M's ( you can buy all one color online if your making a lot)
green gum balls
any green candy
or dye actual flower seeds green with food dye and use them.
Just be sure to dry them well before you package them and include directions for planting them.

If you've searched the world over
And haven't found a good man hence,
It's time to plant these frog seeds
To grow your own handsome prince.
They really are super easy to grow
But I must warn you to plant loads,
Cause kiss after kiss most will stay
Just cantankerous old green toads!

Frontal lobotomy

... a suction cup?
A turkey baster (suck the brains out the ears or nostrils)

Christmas is the season
you think you've lost your mind
so here's a little gadget
that will help you to unwind.
Just put the plunger
evenly on your head
and feel the tightness
tingle and then spread.
Your few remaining brain cells
will soon get zapped away
and you'll happily do nothing
for the rest of every day.
© Sue Pitchfork 2004~

Frying an egg on sidewalk

egg
square of tinfoil - for making into a pan to cook an egg on your hood of your vehicle S&P packet
packet of butter
plastic fork & spoon
I did it, I really did it. I fried an egg on the sidewalk.
But I'm a lousy cook -- I burned it.
I tried to feed the egg to a bluejay.
He took one bite and turned green.
He wouldn't even eat it when I put ketchup on it.
So I'm down on my hands and knees on the sidewalk -- with a Brillo pad...
The kid next door takes my picture.
He said I shouldn't feel embarrassed though.
His father isn't allowed near the kitchen either.
Fact
It's an eggs-aggeration that one can cook an egg on a sidewalk.
"An egg needs a temperature of 158 degrees F to become firm.
In order to cook, proteins in the egg must denature (modify), then coagulate, and that won't happen until the temperature rises enough to start and maintain the process."

Generic gift poem

Hey! I have this weird idea - could we come up with a poem where we just change a couple of words, so that in essence it all-purpose? It could suit many crafts. Here's my idea:

This is a (describe the craft), made just for you.
It's ( 1st adjective: colorful, practical, whimsical, etc.) and (2nd adjective: interesting, clever, cheap, etc.), too.
This belongs (on dresser, desk, bed, etc) or on a shelf -
Hope you enjoy it - I made it myself!

Here's a sample of the finished poem about...let's say...a book thong.
Example:
This is a book thong, made just for you.
It is whimsical yet practical, too.
This belongs in your book, then on a shelf -
Hope you enjoy it - I made it myself!

I KNOW ya'll can come up with better poems, but you get the idea. There are some many unique crafts, it must be impossible to find a poem for each one. A poem like this could be customized, yet all-purpose.

Maybe what we need is a list of applicable adjectives:

useful
cute
practical
whimsical
cheap
funny
unique
interesting
silly
humorous
timely
late
early

I noticed a request for a poem for a phone card. How about this?:

Example:

This is a phone card, bought just for you.
It is practical, needed & you know what to do.
Put it in your wallet, not on a shelf -
Hope you enjoy it - I picked it out myself!

Get off the phone excuses

[1] BABY CRYING - You say: "I have to go, the baby is crying"
[2] DOOR BELL - You then say : "I have to go someone is at the door"
[3] SIREN - Play the siren, and say a cop is behind your car, and hang up.
[4] STATIC - Just play the static, and say "you're breaking up", it's fast and easy.
[5] CAR CRASHING - Play this one, and just hang up. (Perfect for bill collectors.)
[6] KNOCK..KNOCK...CHINESE FOOD - You say "My lunch delivery is here, I'll talk to you later."

Getting old sucks

Glue on cotton batting to lollipops to look like old folks.

Since today is your Birthday
I want to wish you luck
Cause you aren't getting any younger
And getting old sure SUCKS!
katieangelamber © 2004

Yeah it's true that
getting old sucks,
but you still look like
a million bucks!
shirleyt@craftsayings.com ©2004

Have your thighs run amok?
There's no spring in your cluck?
Need a nip and a tuck?
Blame it on getting old...it sucks!
© 2004 Jennifer Byerly

Get old really sucks
but thing could be worst
at least you're alive and kicking
and not stuck in a hearse!
~sue Pitchfork~

I may need some nips and tucks;
I may have aching feet.
Yes, getting old surely sucks
But I'm still awfully sweet!
&2004 Kelli Williams

Graying hair and glasses
Are really not bad luck,
They're just a sign of getting old
And getting old does suck!
©2004 Kelli Williams

#7 -

I may buy Ben Gay in a tube
That's super-size-deluxe,
But I have to soothe these bones
'Cause getting old sure sucks!
©2004 Kelli Williams

#8 -

I looked forward to retirement
Scrimped and saved all my bucks
Now I've forgotten where I hid them
Getting Old Really Sucks!
©2004Joy Prance

#9 -

I may look like a million dollars
But really I'm pushing my luck
I've had so many plastic surgeries
It tells me getting old really sucks
katieangelamber © 2004

Get well cooties

similar to a dust bunny; what else could be used?
Here's a bag of Get Well Cooties.....
As you can see, they're real cuties....
But please don't open up the bag,
Cause out they'll jump and start playing tag....
They'll run in your carpet and in your hair......
They'll be running everywhere!
They'll be happy if you keep them near,
And if they can bring you a little cheer
.......cmax

Get well t-shirt

We did a project like this for a different reason and in a slightly different way. My Mom-in-law was going to have a short hospital stay so I got a t-shirt that was a few sizes big so it would be very loose and comfy. We wrote "Nana's Get Well Shirt" on the front. Under that we did a happy scene with a sun and flowers and grass. On the back my sons wrote comments for the nurses such as "Take good care of my Nana" or "No shots allowed" It was quite a conversation piece when she wore it at the hospital and during her home recovery too.

When Papa had to be in the hospital of course he needed one too. His was a little different. It said "Papa's Get Well Shirt" but the back tail of the shirt said "Needles This Way" with an arrow pointing down. Over his incision in the front was a large Band-Aid and the words Ouchee!. We decorated the sleeves, neckline and etc. with similar silliness. All of this was done with child quality artwork by my sons making it even more fun and endearing.
---Dori

Get well wishes

bag tag or sticker
2x3 or 3x4 bag
Front:
Get Well soon

Back:
Blow your troubles away

Contents:
tiny bottle of bubbles.
Look for those small wedding size bottles of bubbles
Submitted by Rhonda

To let you know that someone cares,
I've made this bag for you
To help you through that nasty cold
And even a case of flu.
Hard candy to soothe sore throat and cough.
And soup to warm the soul.
Warm wishes from a friend for life
Will help to make you whole.
So snuggle up and take a rest.
This, too, shall pass away.
You'll soon be up and on your feet
To face another day.
- author unknown

A Gift of Love (A small empty package)

This is a very special gift
That you can never see.
The reason it's so special is
It comes to you from me.
Whenever you are lonely
or even feeling blue,
You only have to hold this gift,
And know I think of you.
You never can unwrap it,
The ribbon will stay tied.
Just hold the box up to your heart:
It's filled with love inside!

my version, tweaked by me, & made into a pin:

This is a very unique gift,
as you will soon see.
The reason it's so special is
it comes to you from me.
Whenever you are lonely,
or even feeling blue,
you only have to wear this pin,
and know I think of you.
Please do not unwrap it,
the ribbon must stay tied. Just wear the gift next to your heart -
it's filled with love inside!

I took an ordinary box
As empty as can be
I filled it with a special gift
And wrapped it carefully

But please don't ever open it
Just leave the ribbon tied
And hold it tightly near your heart
Because my love for you is inside!

Gift of Thyme

Put some crushed thyme in a small craft bag with the following poem:

"A Gift of Thyme"
Today is your day
Do as you please
Whatever you do, do it with ease.
Take thyme for yourself
As you never do
For a leader like you
There are very few
Take a long walk,
The flowers to see,
Or enjoy a long nap,
The hour thymes three.
Talk with your friend,
Read that good book.
This thyme is for you,
Take a good look.
Thyme is precious, So generous you share
So thankful to you;
We know that you care.

Gift Not Included

I got a wonderful idea from this forum last year that I used for my brother. I bought two AA batteries, put them in a box with a note saying "Gift not included"

Christmas crept up on me
And time ran short
So wrapping your present
I had to abort
Here's the batteries
To the gift I eluded
But by the way (or I'm sorry to say)
The gift's not included
katieangelamber©2005

God's gift to women

- If you're a guy looking for a good gift for your other half, then dress yourself up in an over-sized gift box. Include a label "To Women, from God".

Going through hard times

... balloon - to let the air out of your worries
... Bubbles: blow your troubles away
... Candle: To light up the darkness
... clock, watch - this, too, shall come to pass
... Confetti: To add some sparkle to your life.
... Cotton Ball: For the rough roads ahead.
... lifesaver - for when you feel you are drowning in debt
... lollipop - together, we can lick this
... Paper Clip: To hold everything together when it falls apart.
... penny, so you never need to say you are broke.
... pin - to pin-point the problem
... Rainbow: A reminder that after every storm comes a rainbow
... rubber band - To keep you bouncing back and flexible.
... seat belt - we are in for a bumpy ride
... string, to tie things together when everything falls apart; tie up loose ends.
... Tissue: For drying your tears.

Golden nuggets

spray painting dried navy beans with a gold metalic paint and putting them into a small zippie

Here's a lucky sack of gold
I'm giving now to you
Take it with you everywhere
And luck will follow you!
(C) 2005 Jennifer Byerly

A bag full of nuggets
that you can't spend or eat
but they might bring you luck
and make your life complete.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Here's some gold nuggets
hold them in your hand
the world lies before you
waiting for your command.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Here's a bag of gold for you
To keep at home or when on tour
So pop them in your pocket
And you never will be poor
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Bronze and silver's very nice
But I've got gold for you
It isn't real, just full of luck
To make your dreams come true
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Whether you are rich or poor
You can use a sack or two
Cause with its possession
Good luck will follow you
katieangelamber©2005

#7 -

This sack of gold is special
For it contains wishes you see
Each and every nugget
Is a wish to be

ending1

Use the wishes wisely
They're my gift to you
May they bring you happiness
In everything you do

ending2

Use them very sparingly
And don't waste the wishes away
For each wish is a special gift
That I've sent your way
katieangelamber ©2005

#8 -

Don't bite into these nuggets
You'll chip your pearly whites
The cost for your new dental work
Would really, really bite!
hehehehehehehehhe (jenjoy)

Golden Threads of Friendship

Thank you for the laughter, for the good times we share.
Thank you for always listening, for trying to be fair.
Thank you for the shoulder to cry on, when I am sad.
Thank you for the comfort, when things are going bad.
Thank you for being there, your company I relish.
Thank you for being you, your friendship I cherish!

This gift is a reminder that all my lifetime through,
I will be thanking heaven for a special friend like you
Print this poem on a card and add gold thread or cord around the edges.
You could even glue a mini spool of gold thread to the card.
Unknown Source

Golf Ball Seeds and Golfer Tranquilizers.

For relief of distressing symptoms associated with luck opponents and stupid partners
Recommended doses:

Ball in rough - 1 green
Ball in water - 1 purple
Ball in sand trap - 1 yellow
Ball out of bounds - 1 black
Bogie - 2 orange
Double Bogie - 3 red
Arguing Opponant/partner - 1 of each color
Mental confusion - 2 of each color
Really, REALLY mad - eat entire bag!!!
I put jelly beans in a small bag with this as a topper
Seeds On the front
A vine or two will provide you with enough galof balla so you will never have to hunt for one in the rough again and that is a pretty "fairway" to save time and Money On the back

PLANTING INSTRUCTIONS:

Choose a smooth section of lawn.
The closer it resembles a green, the higher the quality of the balls produced.
Remove a divot of sod using either a 5 or 7 iron.
Use your putter to dig a hole about 6 inches deep - this gives new meaning to "puttering around in the yard..."
Put the seed into the hole,
Place a tall, thin pole on top of the seed as a trellis for the vine.
Use a triangular flag to number each pole.
If you try to grow over 18 plants at one time, they may not perform up to "par"!
If plants are over watered, the balls will be attracted to water hazards.

HARVESTING:

Your first crop should be ready for harvest in "roughly" 18 days.
When balls mature, the flag will fall over.
Carefully pull the vine out of the ground.
Under it, you should find a matched set of high quality golf balls.
After running them through a ball washer, they should suit you to a "tee".
I put these in a seed packet with a hole cut out of the front and put cellophane behind it.
I used clear faceted beads for the seeds I'll put a picture on the refrigerator door.
Sure am sorry Les isn't here - there are probably typos and there is nothing worse than a product that you spend time on and find out you have spelled something wrong.

Golfer's stress pills

(round candy sprinkles in a baggie)
For relief from distressing symptoms with lucky opponents & stupid partners.
Recommended doses:

Ball in rough - green
Ball in water - blue
Ball in sandtrap - yellow
Ball out of bounds - purple
Double bogey - red
Arguing with opponent or partner - one of each
Mental confusion - 2 of each
Really, REALLY mad - take entire bag

Golf 'par'scription

- Sick and tired of the bunker? Suffering from chronic dogleg? "Fore" the ailing golfer - we have just the right "Par"scription!
Golf balls in a prescription bottle:
Use daily to relieve stress; repeat as needed.
Score better with bigger balls.
Guaranteed to improve your drive

Good cheer

In salt and pepper shakers, paint eyes, nose and mouth on the inside bottom, let dry. Place a cotton ball in first, then... pieces of potpourri, cinnamon sticks, glitter, anything Christmas, and attach the following poem to the lid with ribbon:

At a time when we should feel the most blessed,
The Holidays can make us feel quite stressed.
When you feel the "crabbies" coming near,
Sprinkle yourself with Christmas Cheer!
(Sprinkle on others as needed)

Good clean fun

...Joke jar & Snickers candy bars - so when you laugh, your whole body can have fun
...deck of cards - deal yourself some fun; Go Fish!; Old Maid;
...bubbles, wands, etc. - blow your worries away & just have fun
...liquid hand soap - for good clean fun
...sponges - to soak up all that fun
...suntan lotion - for safe fun in the sun
...bug repellent
...sparklers
...travel-size games
...sidewalk chalk - for the side-walk artist in you; Hopscotch;
...old-fashioned games - tic-tac-toe; jacks; marbles; pick-up sticks; dominoes; a couple of beanbags

A kite to let your spirits soar high

Travel games - because in the game of life, you're a winner
Sparklers - for the sparkle in your eyes or you add sparkle to my life
Bean bags - to toss around some fun
Flashlight - because you light up my life
Chocolate Milk - because you're always in a great Mooood
Sunglasses - for your bright future
Dominoes - because nobody stacks up to you
Marbles - for all those you've lost over the years.
Lollipops - for those boring days that suck.
Crayons - So you can always have bright colorful days.
Mirror - look and see someone who means the world to me.
Seeds - watch them grow as you keep growing.
Chocolate spoons - sometimes you just need to stir things up.
Bird/Chicken - if this doesn't make you (better, smile, etc) I'll suspect fowl play.
Clown - jest for you.
Peanut brittle - any way you break it, we think you're the greatest.

Good Deed Seeds

Received from Mother Nature
they scrolled down about 4 spaces...in that space you glue lima beans that have been painted, red, yellow, green, and purple and sprinkled with glitter glue.
1. Sprinkled with fairy dust for best results.
2. Plant in field of flowers in bright sunshine.
3. Water with love and nourish with hope.
The more you spread these seeds around, the more joy you bring into your own life.

Good egg

"A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg
even though he knows you are slightly cracked."

Goofy things to do

Put a smiley face in the dust of a co-worker's computer screen.
While in your car, honk and give a friendly wave to a total stranger.
Find a colorful leaf and put in randomly in your bible. Make a note on next year's calendar to pull out that leaf on June 22 (the first full day of Summer). Then read the passages.
Take your kids outside and find Santa in the clouds. Heck, do it on your own. We won't tell!
Get your friend or co-workers favorite candy and secretly slip it into their coat pocket. Whatever you do, don't let on that you did it until next June.
Use your printer to print out coupons to send to your spouse, kids, friends or co-workers such as:
You may call me at home at any odd hour just to say hello!
This coupon good for one foot massage.
This coupon good for me to "fly and buy" you lunch!
This coupon good for you to purchase that favorite dress (or macho male oriented shop tool) even if it is NOT on sale.
This coupon good for two days of not making your bed.
E+. This coupon good for and extra 1/2 hour to play after bedtime.
This coupon good for an good ole American Pig Out lunch. No diets allowed.
This coupon good for you to leave the toilet seat up.
This coupon negates all toilet oriented coupons.
This coupon good for breakfast in bed.
This coupon good for you to pick out one of any kind of food item at the grocery store- no questions asked. (not good for alcoholic beverages.)
This coupon good for an extended (5 minute minimum) hug.
This coupon good for a valid reason not to do the dishes.
This coupon good for a pass on your turn to do the dishes
. This coupon good for a pass on your turn to cook dinner.
This coupon good for a free pass on taking out the garbage with no negative feedback from loved ones.
This coupon is renewable, and redeemable for any situation in which you are in trouble with a loved one.

Grandpa beans

Jelly beans, colored candies, etc.

Gas yellow
Constipation green
Forgetfulness black
Arthritis purple
Baldness white
Deafness orange
Wrinkles pink
Sex red

The RED pill may be cut into fourths if needed

Grass gauge

The stick is about 36 inches long (furring strip). It has 4 cross sections nailed to it. The top section is 4 inches by 14..Paint that green. Add the Words Grass Gauge in black.
Nail or screw on 3 other cross pieces 2 x 12 inches spaced about 4 inches apart. Paint those white. Write the words (going from bottom to top cross section) Mow, Bail, Move. Lettering in black. -shirttails

~ Grouchy Day Wand ~

Here's a magic wand
to keep grouches at bay
for times you feel grouchy
and have a rotten day
Maybe when you wave it
your dreams will come true
but if they don't
you know just what to do.
Turn the wand around
and grip it very tight
then whack the living daylights
out of everyone in sight.
There now that feels better,
finally you start to grin
the wand isn't really magic
the power just lays within.
--Sue Pitchfork

Grow A Best Friend

Get a rock, chia pet, etc & include the following:

1. I'll always listen to you.
2. I will be there for you 24/7/365.
3. I want to do whatever you WANT to do.
4. I would never flirt with your crush.
5. you can trust me. I'm the ultimate keeper of secrets.
6. I won't borrow your clothes and never return them.
7. I appreciate you just the way you are.
8.our friendship will grow more each day.
9. I 'm never jealous of your other friends.
10. let's go shopping.

grow their own

I also found the neatest confetti, small airplanes, boats, cars, trucks, for those who just can't really afford the brand spankin' new ones they can grow their own.
Musical notes confetti can be given to the person who just can't carry a tune, you can give them a bag of notes!
I also found on Christmas clearance racks tiny little Christmas presents that are meant for miniatures, these could be given for someone who is wishing for that very expensive present, they can grow their own.

Grow your own car

"plant your own car" kit. The kit that I saw at a craft show was - a zipper bag with 4 black rubber hose washers - a bag topper

Grow a Car" Kit

by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

When car payments are too high
and you'll never get a car it seems,
just plant these car seeds to grow
that special car of your dreams!

Follow the planting guide below
for a compact, midsize or full...
and leave the seeds uncovered
for a super snazzy convertible!
Compact: Plant 6' apart
Midsize: Plant 9' apart
Full: Plant 12' apart

I know you sent a message
To Santa Claus, my dear
It said 'Dear Santa if you read this
I'd love a brand new car this year'

Well the note you sent to Santa
Must have reached him at his home
For he's left this little packet
For you to grow your own
(C) Yvonne Lowther 1103

Grow your own Christmas tree

...a pine cone in a baggie

GROW YOUR OWN EVERGREEN:

-Remove the "stem from the bottom of the pinecone so it will stand
-Submerge the pine cone in water, then remove and sprinkle evenly with grass seed
-Put into a container with one half inch of water
-Place in a sunny spot and water as needed
-As the "evergreen" grows, trim to emphasize its shape

Grow Your Own Christmas Tree!
Grower's Manual
...Select a firm, full pine cone for a tree-mendous beginning.
...It's important to have roots, so find a warm, sunny spot. Plant your pine cone with the pointy end down; otherwise, the tree will grow upside down or sideways.
...Now you must cultivate patience as it takes a long time for the tree to reach maturity.
...For best results, sing Christmas carols softly while watering. O Tannenbaum seems to have the best affect on your tree-ling.
...There are many things to be learned from the humble pine.
1. it's needles point heavenward
2. it remains green all year round, like the everlasting hope of mankind
3. it's important to grow where we're planted
4. avoid people who want to cut you down
5. in the spring, the new growth at the ends of the limbs, resemble a cross
---jazbo 1006

Grow your own fortune cookie

...What does your future hold?
...guaranteed to be accurate
...fortunes don't lie If you don't like this fortune, just pick another cookie.
- that's just the way the cookie crumbles
...everything you need to know about what life has in store for you is inside. Give your fortune cookie time to grow. If you peek & read your fortune before the cookie is fully grown, your fortune will not come true. Patience is the key; give it time to grow & make your fortune come true. Make your own Chinese take-out box & include cookie crumbs in a small baggie along with the instructions, etc.

Grow your own furniture

Put an acorn in a baggie:
Just look what a single GYOF kit will produce:
1 chest of drawers
2 night stands
1 dining room table
6 dining room chairs
1 rocker
1 footstool
82 toothpicks
All it takes is a Grow Your Own Furniture, & lots of patience.
Follow these easy instructions & grown your own furniture, right in your own back yard!
bury the acorn in the ground
water frequently
wait 42 years

some sawdust, pinecone, acorn
tiny nails
scrap of upholstery fabric
a small piece of batting or several cotton balls
several pictures of furniture from magazines, catalogs, etc.
a piece of a measuring tape
puddle of hot glue
paint chips
small craft stick for stirring the paint

Grow your own ornament

You can make your own sparkly holiday decorations. All it takes is a little chemistry!
wide-mouthed plastic jar
colored pipe cleaners

How to Make One
1. Twist a pipe cleaner into a crescent moon, heart, shiny star, or any other shape you like.
2. Tie a piece of string to the top of the shape.
3. Get an adult to boil some water and then pour the heated water into the jar.
4. Stir in a tablespoon of borax. Keep adding more borax and stirring until you can no
longer get it all to mix in. (Some of the borax powder will start to settle on the bottom of the jar.)
It takes about three spoonfuls of borax for each cup of hot water.
5. Lower the pipe cleaner shape into the jar. Tie the string around a pencil and lay the pencil across the jar's top. (Make sure the pipe cleaner is completely under the water but not touching the sides or bottom of the jar.)
6. Leave the jar overnight in a safe place where it won't be bumped or moved.
7. The next day, the ornament should be coated with crystals. (If not remove the pipe cleaner,
reheat the water, add more borax, and try again.) Take the ornament out of the water and let drip dry. Hang it on a tree or anywhere that needs a bit of holiday sparkle!

Here's how it works: When you stir borax into hot water, it dissolves. As the water cools, the borax begins forming crystals. (Hot water can hold more dissolved borax than cold water can.) Tiny crystals stick to the fuzzy pipe cleaner and begin to grow. If the water cools quickly, you get small crystals. If it cools slowly, you get big crystals.

Added Tag---
Grow Your Own Ornament Kit
This kit contains all you need to grow 2 beautiful crystallized decorations.
No special equipment is necessary

Contents:
Instructions
Borax
2 pipe cleaners
2 hanging strings
You provide hot water and A container.

Gum Parker

Park your gum-
not on the bedpost
not on the table
not on the chair
not in your hair
Put it right here!
Thank you my dear!
I used polished rocks, plastic bag and attached poem with ribbon

Hair ball

1 strand eye lash yarn
1 strand light-weight 4-ply
H hook

R1 - chain 4, join to form a ring.
R2 - work 10 DC in ring, join with a sl st.
R3 - ch 1, 2 sc in each st around, join with a sl st. (20 sts)
R4 - ch 1, 1 sc in next st, 2 sc in next st, around, join with a sl st. (30 sts)
Next rounds - dec 1 st every 3rd st till 12 sts remain. Turn ball inside out & stuff.
Continue dec'ing every other st till 8 sts remain.
Dec every st till 3 remain. End off.
Gather opening closed.
For a pet toy, put a jingle bell in before stuffing & sewing closed.
---jazbo 01.31.08

Hair Restoration Kit

In a craft bag put a lock of hair & a graphic of a bottle that reads: super duper glue.
Tag:
At last a product you can depend on!
No need for a hat,
No need to be shy,
With this new hairdo
You'll be a new guy!
See back of package for instructions; & Before & After picture.
On the back:
Before - grumpy, bald old man After - young man with hair
Some assembly required.
All natural & unscented; adhesive included in package
---Carmen

Halloween

...candy corn- either witches or monsters teeth
...cards - ghost cards
...Cell phone- so you can send Hello-ween wishes
...cocoa mix - witch's brew: it's newt-tricious
...Compass- to show you witch way to go
...cross- protection against vampires
...garlic- to make you smell so bad no monster will get near you
...ghost- to be your G-Host for the evening
...hershey kisses- ghost, witch, etc kisses
...holy water-protection against vampires
...kool-aid packet - ghoul aid
...pumpkin - jack's back!;
...rock with 'spell' painted on it - hang around for a spell
...silver- protection against werewolves
...skeleton - make no bones about it, -----
...spider - in spider of everything, it will be a great Halloween
...spooktacles - glasses
...witch - best witches; to decide witch houses to go trick or treating at
...wolf - Happy Howlween!

Halloween kit: costume & treat

paper lunch bag
Gag glasses
Any halloween scrapbook paper
popcorn
glue (glue pen)
Start making your popcorn. While that is popping, take paper bag and fold 1 inch over at top. Now use hole puncher to make holes going through both sides on each side of bag. Take some Halloween design scrapbook paper and type your message. I have tons of fonts but select what is best on your computer.
I wrote "Halloween
A costume and a treat." Cut out wording and glue to bag. You can change up the words to what you like. Then, fill with popcorn, refold over top and slip gag glasses through holes. This keeps bag closed.
Note: I got the gag glasses for $1.00 at Dollar tree.

Hamburger-related

...Something to go with: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun....
...Crabby Pattie Burger Spongebob candies
...happy meal toys

To keep you busy
So you won't get bored
Here are some toys
From our store
katieangelamber2006
...Purchase some coupons from Mc D

...hamburger cupcakes...

https://familyfun.go.com/recipes/family/feature/famf0700cupcake/famf0700cupcake3.html
...Quarter pounder.
My hubby made a hammer from wood, attached it with a pivot to a base. On the base, he had routered out a circle and imbedded a quarter in it. Thus: a Quarter Pounder. Wish I had a photo of it to share with you. It turned out so great. He had made it as a gag gift for my brother who, in turn, gave it to the manager of our local MacDonalds where it ended up on display. When I first saw the idea of the quarter pounder, I was just going to get a toy hammer from the Dollar Store and glue a quarter to a piece of wood.

Hang-in there bear

When you are feeling really fragile
and it is too much to bear
just hug this teddy
and remember that that I care
©Fay White

When you're bearly getting by and you have a beastly day,
When life is hard to bear and it rubs you the wrong way...
Here's to a little friend - who comes with love and prayers
that God will lift you up and help you HANG IN THERE!!

Happiness

"An eraser to make your mistakes disappear
5 cents so you can never say I'm broke
A couple of marbles in case someone says you've lost yours
A rubber band to stretch yourself beyond your limits,
A piece of string to tie things together when they fall apart
A kiss to remind you that someone cares!
Inside the little bag were the listed contents

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
(several Jolly Ranchers in a baggie)
Hazardous waste food containers
matching cool whip bowls

Heart on (X)

Put it with any cute heart pin for your honey.
Please wear this little (heart, Valentine) pin
For all the world to see,
That you always have a ?heart on'
Especially for me!
---Terry

Heat kit

...battery-operated purse-size fan or paper folded fan
...bottle of water
...neck cooler
...those plastic water-filled reusable ice cubes
...several wet wipes
...sunglasses
...sunscreen
...wasn't there a bikini made from dish clothes several years ago? maybe make it smaller from fabric squares instead
...hot sauce, red hots, red peppers
...matches
...some kind of fold-up hat
...misting spray bottle
---jazbo 0707

hemorrhoid remover

A sweet gum ball glued to a stick.
hicky spray

We're really worried for you
Your neck seems the sort of sight
That all the little hickibees
Constantly zoom to, just to bite

Well we've been and got you something
To keep those pests at bay
Just point this nozzle at them
Take aim, then press and spray
(c) 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Hillbilly backscratcher

Dried corn cob on a long stick

This is for your back
scratch up, down & underneath
then turn it around
and you can pick your teeth!
~Sue Pitchfork~
When you need to scratch an itch
Grab yourself a handy switch
Shove on a old corn cob
And hopefully that will do the job
katieangelamber © 2004

When yer muscles start twitchin'
'Cause yer back needs itching
Use this switch
To git that itch!
© 2004 Jennifer Byerly

Hillbilly bandaid

roll of duct tape
poem

Doctors are for sissies,
I'm sure you'll agree,
so next time you split something open,
Here's the perfect remedy!

Simply open this roll,
please don't be afraid,
rip off a generous strip
of this easy to apply
Redneck Bandaid!
(c) Melissa 'Liss' Burnell , Budget101.com

"hillbilly brief case"
a pair of men's briefs and sewed the legs shut. attached elastic handles to the waist band with buttons.

Hillbilly cell phone
one tin can with an antenna

Hillbilly computer

...a pencil (you could call it your back-up 'puter)
...sleek modern styling
...hardwood case
...smooth wood finish
...unlimited memory
...manual correction device
...built-in printer
...compact, fits about anywhere
...no electrical outlets necessary
...high-fashion colors
...economical

Hillybilly condoms
--elastic band
- plastic wrap

Hillbilly ear plugs
two tampons out of the applicators and put in a baggie!

Earrings
Put 2 pine air fresheners on wire hooks:

Honey, jewelry & perfume
Are every girl's desire,
And you gotta know, babe,
You set my world on fire.
So I combined the gifts -
Two for the price of one!
You look & smell so nice;
Let's go have some fun.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005

hillbilly ear wax remover
old car key

HILLBILLY EVENING BAG

Make a bra into a purse:
Ma toll me "don't waste nuthin'"
So I took my ol brazierre
And made it somthin' speshul
And kinda fun, ya hear?
I put them seams together
And fixed it up right swell
Now don't you think it's purdy?
It shore did come out well!
(by: Jennifer Byerly)

Hillbilly Flashlight

- a block of wood with one wooden kitchen match in the end of it. OR A small board about the size of a half of a wooden paint stirrer. Glued to the top is a hinged clothes pin holding a wooden match

Hillbilly Fudge

Granny was tending the still
And taste testing as she always will
And a little too much and she was feeling dandy
Forgetting that she had to make fudgy candy
So into the still went that chocolate so sweet
Instead of the batter for a tasty treat
Suddenly the still made a great boom
And there was chocolate all over the room
To clean up the mess it took all day
So there is no more fudge I'm sorry to say
Instead this bar will have to do
And maybe next year there'll be something new
©ME Ryan 2003

Hillbilly Hair Dryer

(large balloon)
Instructions:
1. Inflate
2. Slowly release near hair

Hillbilly Blow Dryer

by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Blow with all your might
hot air into this balloon.
Release the air on your hair
and it will dry real soon.

Hillbilly horseshoes - game

Objective: Just like regular horseshoes but with a hilarious, bathroom related twist.
Categories:
Outdoors, Couples
Game type:
Active. A lot of movement may be required.
Players:
4 or more players
Needed: Two toilet plunger, metal conduit (for the posts), four toilet seats Rules: The rules are the same as regular horseshoes. Instead of metal post, set two pieces of metal conduit into the with about 1.5 or 2 feet above the ground. Place the rubber part of two toilet plungers on each end of the conduit. Then comes the fun part, hand each team two open ended toilet seats to use as horseshoes. Proceed to play horseshoes as you normally would. You can come up with your own method of scoring.

Ice scraper

credit cards (you know, the million you receive in the mail, trying to suck you in.) Put one in a baggie, with a topper that says:

Now don't get excited...
It's not what you think...
its a hillbilly ice scraper,
Doesn't that just stink?
© Darlene Finster 2006

Jerky gift

Billy Ray & Bobby Joe,
Bubba cakes & me,
Skinned us this here possum
Hidin' in a tree.
Billy Ray told Bobby Joe
That we should make a deal;
That's why I'm sending you this gift,
Instead of our road kill!
© Jennifer Byerly 2004

hillbilly lantern
matches and a jar

Hillbilly liposuction
A toilet plunger

Hillbilly microwave magnifying glass(uses the sun to cook)

Hillbilly Palm Pilot

(Hillbilly, Ozark, Redneck) Palm Pilot
Trace a hand onto paper. Cut out the shape & punch a hole at the wrist end. Tie on about a 12" piece of yarn. At the other end, tie on a short pencil. You can write something funny on the hand: "get beer"; etc.
Things to write on palm pilot:

Hillbilly pen
a small dried corn cob with a hole drilled in the center bottom. Then inside the hole was a ball point pen refill.

Hillbilly Potpourri

...peanut shells
...beer tabs
...beer caps
...toothpicks
...spent shells

Hillbilly retirement fund

It was a piece of cardboard, rough cut, you know, it was actually cut from a piece of cardboard box, with the words "Will work for food" and there was a small square of fleece rolled up and tied with twine for a bedroll. It was all in a zip lock bag with a generic topper.
2 popsicle sticks
1 medium rubber band
1 wooden spring-type clothes pin
school glue
1: Glue clothes pin pinching 1 end of 1 popsicle stick
2: Attach the 2nd stick to the opposite end of 1st, using the rubber band. The rubber band should be in the middle of the entire piece, holding the 2 sticks fairly tight.
3: Twist the far end of the 2nd stick clockwise, so you can clasp it with the clothes pin. Now, if you pinch the clothes pin open, the 2nd stick will fly open, just like a switchblade!

Hillbilly telephones
=two tin cans with string attached to both.

hillbilly toilet paper
cut up newspaper strips the size of toilet paper
...several corn cobs, tied together with a piece of homespun

Hillbilly toothpick-
railroad spike painted tan and the words written on it with a black marker.

Hillbilly Treat (good for Halloween)
In a baggie put 2 eyeballs or wiggly eyes
and about 4 or so saltines and this poem

Because I know how much you like it
I made some hoghead cheese
It looked so fine I had to taste it
Then bam! I looked and sheesh!
It was gone except eyeballs and saltines
They're here just for you
I'm glad I made you this special treat
It's the least I could do.
© 2004 lou buffkin

Hillbilly washer

Hillybilly washing machine - a medium sized rock with the words written on it in Marker Hillbilly Wash cloth & soap
1 dryer (fabric softner) sheet.
Hillbilly washer and dryer are a tiny clothes pin and a metal washer (you use them between a nut and a bolt when building things) in a small baggie with a tag reading Washer and Dryer - I usually use the name of a local town (Pozo Washer and Dryer or Hill Billy or Redneck...)
The Hillbilly weather station and wind chimes are made with beer cans..

Home Exerciser

The home exerciser is a block of wood with this saying printed on paper glued to it.

1. Place in middle of the floor
2. Walk around it two times
3. Rest, you've just walked around the block two times.

Honey Do jar

Put Hershey's kisses in jar with chore slips
Honey-do that & Honey-do this,
Pick a job & get a kiss.
Before you know it, you'll be done,
Then you can relax & have some fun.
---Jazbo

Honey dust (X)

Ingredients:
1 Tablespoon of vanilla powder
1 Cup of cornstarch
1 Teaspoon of pure honey
Mix the vanilla powder into the cornstarch. Add the honey and mix well. Rub the clumps between your fingers until it turns powdery. Apply to your honey's body with a powder puff. This is completely edible! lol

This honey dust will add spice
making your dear honey sweet.
You'll feel savorable and nice.
Oooh what a delectable treat!
----Shirley Thomas

HOT FLASH CREAM

When your body starts to sweat
And your clothing feels all wet
Through the hot flashes and mood swings
And crankiness that menopause brings.
Apply this cooling to your face
To help regain your dignity, class and grace

Hot flash fan

Take this little fan
And keep this close at hand
You'll feel oh so grand
When you turn it on
You will get some relief
Even if it's only brief
And before too very long
They soon will be gone.

Hot flash packs

Make an elongated heart shape & fill with a combo of flax seed & lavender, or rice. Put in freezer to use.

Housework makes you ugly complaint doll

How about making a simple doll-shape out of the ugliest & brightest fabric you can find? (Like a gingerbread shape maybe.) The front could be one fabric; the back another. Or make it patchwork, using different prints together. Make a simple apron from muslin & write the saying on it with fabric paint, etc. The hair could be varigated yarn, knotted on to the head. Give her a little bucket or broom - something denoting housework chores.

Or how about a housework complaint doll? Make it out of a light-colored fabric so you could write the different complaints on with permanent marker:
washing dishes
washing clothes
mopping floors
dusting
cooking meals
The pins could be stuck in the apron.
---jazbo

Housework Survival Kit
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

To help you survive the housework
so it doesn't drive you totally berserk...
Mounds for the mounds of laundry.
A starburst to give a burst of energy.

A lollipop that will help you to lick it.
A stick of gum to help you stick with it.
Snickers to turn your frown upside down.
A lifesaver so in clutter you don't drown.

A tootsie roll to keep you rolling along.
A fireball to keep the mood burning strong.
Now housework can wait for another rant,
but the hug & kiss is cause loving can't!

Print this up on cardstock & cut it out in the shape of a small file folder. This will be on the inside of the folder:

Housework.............

The best way to do housework.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly...
7. Feel better?

How hot is it?

Include a thermometer with the following designations:
Tolerable
Hot
Really hot
Are you kidding me??

Hugs & Kisses

Fill a jar with Hershey's Hugs and Kisses. Take one pair of new sports socks and one pair of gloves Tack the socks together toe to toe. This makes a pair of arms. Tack one glove to the open end of each of the socks. Now you have arms and hands. Wrap the arms and hands around the jar a couple of times, crossing the hands at the front and tack together. Attach this poem:

If all these Kisses aren't enough,
There's two hands to help with garden stuff.
If all these hugs don't work their charm,
There's two arms to help keep you warm.
If this gift doesn't show how much we care,
We have REAL hugs & kisses to share!
unknown source

Our hugs and kisses we should share,
To show others that we care.
These hugs and kisses I'd like to send,
To one I consider a true and great friend.
And so it is that these are sent your way,
With hopes and prayers that you have a great day!
---unknown source

Hug Certificate

Print the poem on a small card, add a pretty sticker, punch a hole in the corner and add a loop of ribbon and a pin - give to friends when they are feeling low
If I could catch a rainbow I would do it just for you
And share with you its beauty on the days you're feeling blue...
If I could build a mountain you could call your very own - a place to find serenity, a place to be alone...
If I could take your troubles I would toss them in the sea...
But all these things I'm finding - are impossible for me,
I can not build a mountain or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be what I know best -
A friend that's always there.
unknown source

Husband training treats

Make cookies, candies or any other treats your husband likes. Box the treats up, and add labels. Mark each label, "Husband Training Treat." Each time your husband remembers to take out the trash, wash the dishes or put the toilet seat down, give him a couple training treats.

Hysterectomy

...basket: "luxury" shampoo and conditioner samples, Nice smelling lotion and shower gel samples, Nail polish and nail files, a couple of Home and Garden type magazines and breath mints; a movie , popcorn, some of her favorite snacks, a book, magazine, crossword puzzle, a small cross stitch kit.

... Tampon angel ornaments!

(Use Playtex because they fan out into a cone shape.) 1. Dip into water until tampon expands.
2. Remove and tie at the top to create the angel's head.
3. Let hang (by handy dandy string) for several days until dry.
4. Paint face with peach or skin tone color. Draw small black dots for eyes.
5. Add blush or pink paint to cheeks.
6. Paint "dress" with glimmer paint.
7. Criss-cross thin gold ribbon across chest (around neck).
8. Add yellow doll hair to top of head and a gold pipe cleaner for a halo.
9. For the grand finale...glue small gold angel wings to back.

Ice cube soaps

melt a scented bar of colored, glycerin soap and pour it into an ice tray. I would lightly spray the tray with Pam first. Then, you could fill a colorful, plastic ice tea glass (like they have at Wal-mart for $1.48) then wrap it in clear cellophane and decorate the top with those little umbrellas and ribbon! ---Lori Jean

These are not to put into your drink
They're made of soap you see
But if you pop them in your bath
You'll be as smelly as can be
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Ice cubes, no not really
Just little soaps to make you laugh
For they'll help to sweetly scent you
When you use them in your bath
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Don't think of adding vodka
Whiskey, gin or coke
As these ice cubes are a novelty
And if you eat them you might choke
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

How often have you heard it said
That beauty is skin deep
Well, use these cubes while in the bath
To wash your smelly feet
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Just what the doctor ordered
But wait, these can't be drunk
They're made of soap, not ice you see
So in your bath, they should be sunk
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

I hate Christmas

...headless snowmen
...black & red candy canes
...broken ornies
...used paper & bows to wrap the gift
burnt cookies?
pine cone and twigs
fruit peels and seeds
dry corn cobs
a few rocks
Ear plugs - to block out the Christmas carolers
Antibacterial Hand sanitizer - to wash away Christmas spirit.
Elf Spray - to keep those pesky critters away.
A penny - to go with the others that you won't be wasting on gifts.
A do not disturb sign - to deter any annoying visitors.
...an empty wallet - for obvious reasons
...credit cards cut in half - for no spending
...penny pincher - penny in a spring-type clothespin
...lump of coal - you are getting yours now to save Santa a trip
...muffin - because you're getting 'muffin' for Christmas
...paper towels - to help you absorb some of the Christmas spirit
...gift not included
...nothing in a jar
...jolly ranchers in a baggie so you can have a Jolly, holly Christmas in spite of yourself
...millionaire seeds - just in case you change your mind
...anti-scrooge pills - some kind of candy

Grow your own Christmas tree
...a pine cone in a baggie

GROW YOUR OWN EVERGREEN:

-Remove the "stem from the bottom of the pinecone so it will stand
-Submerge the pine cone in water, then remove and sprinkle evenly with grass seed
-Put into a container with one half inch of water
-Place in a sunny spot and water as needed
-As the "evergreen" grows, trim to emphasize its shape

Grinch gifts: candy cane & pills.
...a calendar with no December so they can just skip the whole month

a chunk of coal and a little stick in a stocking
...strings of lights that were past their prime. All the lights could be removed & then shape the strings into a wreath shape.

...Charlie Brown trees? Find a totally bare one & hang your ornament ideas from it: could add empty candy wrappers, little boxes with nothing in them, half eaten cookies, small grungy socks, etc.

I hate Christmas
and the Easter Bunny too
I'm not fond of Valentine's
and Halloween gets a BOO!
It's all so commercial
I'm refusing to play
so just leave me alone
I'm forgetting today!
© Sue Pitchfork

I covered your gift in newspaper
I know you don't like fancy wrap
I tied it up with knitting wool
Because ribbon sends you in a flap
I put a special CD on
It was Carols, but didn't play
So at least that brought a smile to you
I know you prefer the silence anyway
I was going to put some lights up
And a fairy on the tree
But it seemed to lose its sparkle
When you glared at it, you see
So I'm not celebrating Christmas
At least not this year with you
'Cause I'll lock you in your bedroom
Till Christmas Day is through
© 2006 Yvonne Lowther

I'm a senior citizen

- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts ?till 8 p.m.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid.
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the "initialstate" of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP
- I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.

I 'mint' to

Put some kind of mints in a baggie with this tag:

I "mint" to call and thank you, but my time is in demand.
I "mint" to say "I love you", but I knew you'd understand.
I "mint" to send you flowers, but they cost so much you know.
I "mint" to pray for you this morning, but I had someplace to go.
I "mint" to say "Forgive me" but that's so hard to do.
I heard the Lord say, "Bless You Child," I hope He "MINT" me too!

In case of emergency

Chocolate

Put a small chocolate bar in a picture frame, with instructions that say, "In case of emergency, break glass."
Hot chocolate
Same as for above, except put a couple of hot cocoa packets under the glass.

Tea

used two liquid laundry soap caps, filled them with tea bags (she lives 2 hours from town and the store out there doesn't carry the kind of tea we prefer), glued them together with the glue gun and then added instructions to be used in case of emergency, put in freezer and twist to remove tea bags

Instant human
"Just add water" - hot cocoa, coffee, tea packets & a cute mug

Instant Irish accent

- Spray: Radically changes the way you speak. Works instantly. Just one quick spritz activates invisible language receptors in the mouth. Release the Irish Spring swifter than the River Shannon in your mouth! You'll be singing in the rain and clingin' to the green when you've acquired your new Irish Accent.

Instant Old Age kit

- cotton ball - to put in your ears
- pebble - to put in your shoe
- rubber gloves - to wear
- petroleum jelly - to smear all over your glasses
---jazbo 22.02.12

Internet chain letters

To all my friends & relatives who have sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck - none of that $#!+ worked!

Could you please just send cash, vodka, chocolate, Italian food, wine or airline tickets instead? Thank you!

Next: Jazz's Gag Gifts J - M Collection