Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems.

Collection of Gag gifts with short Craft Poems
from Calories to Dustan Cookies

CALORIES THAT DON'T COUNT

FOOD ON FOOT:
Food eaten while standing has no calories.
Gravity causes calories to bypass the stomach, flow to the leg and into the ground.

TV FOOD:

Food eaten in front of the TV has no calories.
Radiation leakage negates the calories in the food and any recollections of having eaten it.

BALANCED FOOD:

Drink a diet soda with a candy bar; they cancel each other out.

FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES:

Food used for medicinal purposes (hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake, etc.) never counts.

FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS:

Any food impaled on frilled toothpicks, like sausage, cocktail franks, cheese and olives, have no calories. The insertion allows calories to leak out.

CHARITABLE FOODS:

Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials, and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.

CUSTOM_MADE FOOD:

Anything anybody makes "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories. To do otherwise would be insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded.

CHILDREN'S FOOD:

This category covers a wide range of food beginning with a spoonful of baby food custard, consumed only for demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked to send to your kids when they go to college.

Camp in a bag

"Camp in a bag. Just add insects!" It also has a print_out of a tent on it. Inside the bag of dirt, I've found (so far): a fish, a pine tree, a hiking boot, a fishing pole, and a moose! They all appear to be tiny buttons that have had the loop on the back cut off.
twigs
small rocks
tiny pinecone
stick with a white pony bead on it for a s'more
maybe used punch things _ bear, tree, etc.

Camping Kit

In a plastic/cello bag place:
Chocolate bar, marshmallows, graham crackers _ to make Smores!

Candy cane seeds

(place red/white mint candies in a bag with the following poem)
I once knew a gardener who could grow
Bright tasty candies right out of snow.
I asked him to share his secret with me
And this is what he said quite readily...
To garden in winter is difficult you see
It takes lots of care and a very special seed.
I'll give you some, to grow your own treats
You'll soon reap a harvest of candy cane sweets.

Candy necklace

Plastic wrap (3 foot piece)
Individually wrapped candies

Red ribbon (cut in 6_inch lengths) Makes 2 necklaces.
Lay out three feet of plastic wrap, cutting it in half lengthwise.
On each piece of plastic wrap place candies or groups of candies every three inches.
Roll the plastic over and tie bows between each candy using six_inch strips of ribbon.
Tie the two ends of the plastic wrap together and cover the knot with another piece of red ribbon.

Candy 'thank you'
Candy Thank You kit

_ Amaizin' fruits ... you are truly amaizin... .
_ Any sweet treat... you're so sweet!
_ Bar none, you're the best!
_ Candy ... sending sweets thoughts your way
_ Candy hearts ... thanks for putting your heart into everything
_ Chocolate ... you are worth your weight in chocolate
_ Cracker jax ... you are the prize!
_ Extra gum ... for all those "Extra" little things you do
_ King_sized bars ... a king_sized 'Thank you!'
_ Lifesaver ... for all the times you have come to our rescue
_ Mint ... I mint to say many times how much I appreciate all you do
_ Mounds ... for the mounds of surfing, poems you do & ... you've made a mound of difference in my crafting
_ Reeses ... there are many 'reeses' why I appreciate you
_ Twix ... twix you & me, you're great
_ U_No ... you know we think a lot of you
_ Watermelon jolly ranchers ...thanks a melon
_ Werthers ... we don't know Wether not you know how special you are to us, sooo.......
_ _ this 'candy Thank You kit' was created as a way to say thanks for all you do!
---jazbo

Can of worms

"opening a can of worms"....I would like to do a label for a veggie can and put a pack of gummi worms in it.

#1 _

When you open a can of worms
who knows what you will find
so think really carefully
about just what's confined.
For once it's been opened
things can't be the same
so open this can of worms
only if you're feeling game.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#2 _

Sometimes it's really better
To let sleeping dogs lie
So before you take the lid off
Just stop, before you sigh
For it might seem like the moment
That all things must come to terms
But who's to say you won't be
Just opening a can of worms
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

cartridge in a bare tree

In a glass decorative jar with height, put in a twig. Tied to the twig is an empty shot gun cartridge. Around the base put angel hair, just to jazz it up.

#2 _

...Get a spent, red shot gun shell casing & paint a simple santa face on it.
...Put it in a baggie with a bare branch or twig.
...Make a topper or tag: Cartridge in a bare tree
___jazbo 11.07

Catch-up potion

Put this poem with several packets of ketchup:
When you're behind
on so many things
and you need to 'ketch_up' fast
Try taking some of this potion
For a remedy that will last!
Doreen Scerri © 2013

Change in the weather

Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
__crafterwannabe

Balloon _ blowin' in the wind
Dust _ for a very dry sense of humor
Smily face _ let a smile be your umbrella
Snowflakes _ think snow!
Thermometer _ you make my temperature rise
___jazbo 07.29.11

"FACT! Heat makes objects expand...
So, there you have it, I'm NOT overweight, I'm just hot!"

Remember last February, when you prayed you wouldn't freeze to death?
Well, your prayer is being answered.

Cheap Date with Hubby Kit

Enjoy a nice bubble bath together after
watching a movie on the couch.

Include in a Cello bag:
"Movie rental" coupon
Microwave popcorn
Calgon Bath Bubbles

Chew gum by the numbers

_ it tastes great & is fun to chew
_ moistens mouth
_ stimulates brain activity
_ builds speech_motor skills
_ gum keeps its flavor for a long time
_ freshens breath
_ satisfies snack cravings
_ cleans teeth after meals.
_ helps to fight tooth decay
These kits allow kids to create vibrant artwork by chewing tasty wads of gum and spreading the chewed gum onto the ChewByNumbers art board.
Each kit teaches project planning skills and helps develop fine motor skills, concentration, and creativity.
Meanwhile, kids enjoy every step of the artistic process.
Art has never tasted this good.

Chicken Noodle

Egg noodles
Feathers
Toy chicken
Chicken pox pin
Yellow foam sheets
Orange 20lb paper scraps
Red permanent marker
Black permanent marker
Exacto knife/scissors
Hot glue and gun
Pin backings

1.Start by using your Exacto knife or scissors to cut out an oval body shape and wings from craft foam.
2. Now, take the pin backing and glue the wings vertically to back of body.
3. Then open the pin backing and glue the wings horizontally over the base of the pin backing.
4. Turn the pin over and dot with red marker to make the chicken's poxes. Make face eyes using the black marker.
5. Then make a small diamond shape cut out of orange paper and fold in the center to make a beak for your chicken and glue in place.
This is a great way to cheer up a child itching and scratching their way through the chicken pox's.
You can add this cute saying to the pin that Shirley at Craftsayings.com has come up with.

Chip off the old block

I got out the saw and cut myself four blocks of wood from an old 2x4 headed for the fireplace. They ended up being more of a rectangular shape. Then I sanded them. With a screw driver and hammer I chipped a corner off. I'm going to put a coat of clear varnish on them. When they dry I will write on one side, "Just a chip off the old block". On the other side I'm going to glue a picture of the child. I'm going to write the child's name on the "chip" and glue it on the top. Have the children decorate the block special for dad!

Chocolate: In Case of Emergency...

A Hershey bar in a frame with , In case of emergency........break glass. The candy was situated in the middle of the frame.

Steps for chocoholics:
1. Admit you have a problem.
2. Admit there is no cure.
3. Don't worry about it any more.

#2 _

Raise your hand and say:
Hi, my name is (state your name),
and I am addicted to chocolate.
I think about chocolate always,
except when I am asleep
and then I dream about chocolate.

Chocolate 'chips'

took the small cans of Pringles potato chips and dipped 1/2 the chip in chocolate. decorated the can and called them "kringles" I think there is a poem there...something about chocolate chips..etc. use the 3 inch tall cans

Chocolate mouthwash

I put about 4_5 red, green, silver kisses in small zip lock baggie and made the same business card size tag with this:
Exercise is a bad word
Every time I think of it
I wash my mouth out with chocolate!
(That's it. Sold for $1.50)

Christian friendship kit

Rubber Band _ to remind you we are bound together in Christ.
Candy Kiss _ to remind you of the sweetness found in friendship and in God.
Kleenex _ to dry another's tears or to dry your own tears so you can see the tears of others.
Cotton Ball _ to remind an unsaved friend that though their sin be as scarlet, they can be white as wool.
Postcard _ to write a long overdue note to a friend or to write to someone you know who is ill or lonely.
Band_Aid _ to remind you of healing, perhaps of hurt feelings of someone you love.
Ribbon _ to remind you that friendship ties should be knotted in the Lord.
Penny _ to remind you that friends sometimes need a "sense" of humor.

Christmas candy gag gifts

Bag of coal _ licorice
Bah! Humbug _ gummy bugs
Don't eat the yellow snow _ lemon drops
Elf pillows _ peppermint pillow candies
Mistletoes _ gummy feet
Rudolph noses _ red hots
We fish you a Merry Christmas _ swedish fish

Christmas cookies

Put cookie crumbs, sawdust, glitter, ground up oats, etc. in a baggie with the following explanation:

Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice.
What does your future hold?
If you've been naughty, Santa will know 'cause all you will find is crumbs.
If you've been nice, you will find a whole cookie.
Prediction for next year: be good, 'cause if you aren't, all you will find is crumbs. Naughty means that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Put the baggie & the instructions in a Christmas-colored Chinese take-out box or similar box, etc.
----Jazbo 01.12.07

CHRISTMAS DUST:

Take a baggie and put oats and glitter in it.
Staple saying to baggie.
CHRISTMAS DUST
Sprinkle your lawn with CHRISTMAS DUST this CHRISTMAS EVE and wait_
The glitter will sparkle! Santa will see your house when it is late.
The sparkle is magic on CHRISTMAS EVE when seen by Santa's eyes, The smell of oats will guide the reindeer down from the highest skies.

Christmas fortune cookies

This cookie has been made possible only because it did not max out my credit card
This cookie was no sweat because it was found on the internet
May this fortune cookie be a lasting memory
Warning! Assembly required: take 2 aspirin before you claim your fortune
Here's a hint: the future's looking bright
Don't spend a lot of money on gifts. Remember it's the thought that counts
After you open this, click your heels & say 3 times: there's no such thing as the perfect fortune
Warning! this cookie contains calories & other stuff

Christmas in a Can

Decorate by covering with brown paper that is stamped or with fabric.
Put in can:
Gingerbread cookie mix
Gingerbread cookie cutter
Gingerbread ornament
Apple cider drink mix
Simmering potpourri
Nature muffins

A Christmas story
#2 _

add some holiday cups, plates, napkins and plastic silverware. A festive table cover and a holiday music CD for entertainment. A few Christmas cards or ornaments to decorate.

Here's a Christmas party kit
To get you in the mood
Only two things more are needed
Good friends and some food
© 2005 ME Ryan

Christmas mix

2 cups Bugles brand corn snacks
2 cups small pretzel twists
1 cup red hots
1 cup peanuts
1 cup M&Ms brand chocolate candy (red and green)
16 Hershey's brand chocolate kisses (one for each unit)
In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients together. You can make this mix as a family and eat while discussing each ingredient and how it relates to Christmas.

If this is for a gift, make a special card with these descriptions (or print out the bag tag with link that is provide below):

Each ingredient in this snack mix symbolizes something associated with the season:
_ Bugles Corn Snacks _ Shaped like a trumpet to remind us of the angels we have heard on high;
_ Pretzels _ Arms folded in prayer, a freedom sought by those who founded our country;
_ Red Hots _ To symbolize the holly berries decorating our mantel tops.
_ Peanuts _ Plant the seeds for peace on Earth.
_ M&Ms _ Memories of those who came before us to lead us into a blessed future.
_ Hershey's Kisses _ The love of family and friends that sweetens our lives.

#2

1 large bag Bugles
8 to 10 cups pretzels twists
1 pound peanuts or any other kind of nut
1 pound dried fruit mix
1 bag Hershey kisses
30 mini candy canes
30 chocolate stars
Mix the bugles, pretzels, fruit, nuts, and kisses together. Fill small gift bag with the mix. Place one chocolate star and one candy cane inside each bag and tie with raffia. Attach a printed card with the following poem.

_ Bugles _ Trumpets heralding HIS foretold birth.
_ Pretzels _ Mary's arms cradled this child of great worth.
_ Fruit and Nuts _ Praise and Gifts the three wise men brought.
_ Candy Cane _ Shepherd's staffs helping them to the new King they sought.
_ Candy Star _The star of Bethlehem brightly that night shone.
_ Hershey Kiss _ The Love God has for us, calling us His own.

Christmas paper chain

From December 1 till Christmas
Is the longest time of year.
Seems as though old Santa
Never will appear.
How many days till Christmas
Is mighty hard to count
so this little paper chain
Will tell you the exact amount.
Take off a link every day.
It isn't very hard.
Christmas Day will be here
When you reach the star.
Christmas work_related

...Can of cocoa

It seems that the holidays find us so busy,
That we all begin to get a bit dizzy.
So...take some time off...prop up your feet.
Open the cocoa...put the water on to heat.
Don't forget the true meaning
Isn't found in the hassle,
Or in the presents, or tinsel or dazzle.
The Spirit of Christmas is found in our love,
The kind brought to earth by a babe from above.
So part of this gift is a brief time to ponder...
To think of our Savior, the joy and the wonder.
I hope this gift will give you a rest,
And wish you a Christmas that's one of the Best.

...Chocolates

People are kinda like chocolates
You're never sure what's inside
They're covered in a protective shell
And you must look to see what they hide.
Some seem to be very smooth,
While others are soft and sweet;
Still others can be quite nutty
But (having friends like, working with) you is a treat!

Christmas candy gag gifts

Bag of coal _ licorice
Bah! Humbug _ gummy bugs
Don't eat the yellow snow _ lemon drops
Elf pillows _ peppermint pillow candies
Mistletoes _ gummy feet
Rudolph noses _ red hots
We fish you a Merry Christmas _ swedish fish

...Christmas exerciser

Make this holiday season a Ho_Ho_Ho lot of fun by giving yourself a gift!
1. Place this present in the middle of the floor
2. Walk around it 2 times & give it a lift!
3. Repeat as necessary _ a time-saver, no doubt;
4. Needs no batteries, has no working parts to wear out.
___jazbo 12.05

#2 _

Lifting and lugging presents
to and from the store
and then all the exercise
going back for more!
Now you know the routine
you can try it for yourself
lift and carry this gift around
to become the fittest Christmas elf.
©Sue Pitchfork

...Give this poem with a Christmas towel:

May the ABSORBING
Spirit of the season;
BLOT out problems,
SOAK up sorrows,
WIPE AWAY difficulties,
and may your HOLIDAYS
be SHINING and BRIGHT!

...Cookie cutter poem

Place a cookie cutter in a baggie and attach this poem:

I made a plate of cookies,
to share with you this year.
I thought it was a good way, to spread some Christmas cheer.
They all looked so tasty,
so I thought I'd eat just one.
And a little while later,
I noticed there were none.
So here's my Christmas greeting,
and a cookie cutter, too.
Now you can make your own cookies,
and maybe share a few.

...hot pad

To our wonderful friends at Christmas
We send you this gift with a wish;
When you do your holiday baking,
Please use this to grab a hot dish.
We wish you joy this season,
And throughout the coming year.
May the goodies you bake this holiday
Not stretch the clothes you wear!

...ice scraper with a brush:

"May your holiday season be free from life's SCRAPES and may you feel the Savior's love and be able to BRUSH problems away."

...Long johns, mini

Red felt mini_long johns:
We looked for a stocking,
but could not find a spare
So we ended up stuffing
Santa's red underwear!

...Official Santa sock

Place an old sock (complete with holes!) in a baggie and then attach this poem:
My puppy must have stolen it
On last year's Christmas Eve.
I hope that Santa's toes weren't froze
When he had to leave.
I'm passing it along to you
As quiet as a mouse!
And this year if he's lookin' for it
IT WON'T BE AT MY HOUSE!!!!!

Cleavage Coolers (tm)

What every woman wants and needs. Store the package in the freezer. When you get hot, simply place one Cleavage Cooler(tm) down the front of your bra for 10 minutes where it will be close to your thymus gland and heart. You will instantly notice your whole body cooled down and refreshed.

Need a quick gift for a friend who is experiencing hot flashes (power surges), or about to celebrate the big Five_Oh?

Here's something you might want to try making. Looks very simple... just some material (bridal satin), cut into heart shape, and filled with flax, lavender and mint. You could vary the ingredients, depending on what you have on hand. You'd probably want to include the flax as you need something to retain the cold.

Think I'll make two for my friend who is small_busted!
One with a two_foot string attached to her bra strap...when the cooler gets lost on her person, just hoist away on the string. And another one with a bell or two attached to the cooler....when the cooler loses it's place, just shake and listen for the bell, then dig it out.
__roamin

#1 _ Cleavage Coolers

A clever cooler for your boobs
is such a nifty tool
stick it inside your bra
and it will keep you cool
___ ©Sue Pitchfork

#2 _

You're heating up, you feel it start,
Like pumping hot oil through your heart,
You just know you're turning red,
It fills you with feelings of dread,
But now the Cleavage Coolers here,
Kept in the freezer_ Never fear!
Grab it quick and wedge it down, Into your cleavage, lose that frown,
You'll feel the coolness spreading through,
Oh what a joy, this gift doe you!!
___Marina

#3 _
Cleavage Cooler

by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Freeze and wear this
in your cleavage
to cool you down
as you enter a new age.

When you rant and rave
and turn into a beast...
you can now take comfort
and know that at least...

When you tuck this in
and have a little trust
the next hot flash
will be a big bust!

Clothespin

Put a clothespin in a baggie.

Old clothespins are like friends.
They hang out together & share each other's load. When the heat is on, they make the burden lighter. They tie up loose ends & don't give up when the winds blow against them. When faced with a wet situation they stand side by side until it's all dried out. (Thanks for hanging in there with me.)

Coal

Painted rocks, black
Black jelly beans
Rope licorice, cut into chunks
I heard you have been haughty, not nice
And Santa even checked his list twice;
So all the way from the cold North Pole
All you're getting is a (jar, bag, etc.) of coal.

Cocoa for you _ Val

_ use a hot cocoa packet, mini marshmallows, and for a stirring stick, use a red candy stick. Put it all in a Valentines Day cello bag with a bag topper on it, and put in a mug

Cupid made a little batch
Of love soup just for you.
He blew a kiss and threw it in,
In fact, he blew you two.
He added white and fluffy hugs,
And a little stirring stick,
Add some hot water and sip it slow,
It's sure to do the trick.

Cold feet groom socks

argyle, with:
to make sure you don't get cold feet, with love from your bride.

colors of Christmas

Red Button or Pompom
( Red ) _ is the nose on Santa's face
( Blue Ribbon ) _ Blue _ is the ribbon on a package
( Mini Green Tree ) Green _ is the tree so tall and bright
( Piece of tinsel ) Silver _ is the tinsel hanging down so low
( Small gold Angel ) _ Gold _ is the treetop angel

Complaint button

Button or knob glued on a mouse trap
Complaint department
hand grenade with #1 tag attached; label says: Take a number

Complaint Dolls

PMS
PMS ailments come in all shapes & sizes.
To alleviate, insert pins when each symptom arises.
Tension
Anxiety
Vertigo
Stiff joints
Bloating
Hot flashes
Mood swings

COMPUTER BUG

The only bug that's safe for your computer.
Makes a Great Pet Too.

Care and Feeding Instructions:
1. Feeds on stray computer viruses.
2. Loves attention and petting

#1 _

I don't mean to bug you
and I don't want to be a pest
but I need someone to love me
so put me by your desk.
~ © Sue Pitchfork~

#2 _

toy mouse
a keyboard key or a real key
instructions printed in chinese
Kleenex for virus
A small piece (like business card_size) with the graphic of the "Hit
Any Key to Continue" with a duck wielding a sledge hammer.
A label for the disk drive "This is not a drink holder."
~Electrical vinyl tape just a tiny piece (no more than 2 inches wrapped around a tube or roll piece of paper!
~ Perhaps a teeny piece of velcro to represent the antistatic wrist strap (with tag attached)
~~~a piece of felt to represent the antistatic mat that is placed over your computer
You could place all the items inside this piece of felt and roll it up in a bundle and then tie the kit together (similar to the way auto kits are presented)! Then put them in a baggie if desired!
~You could also have a small-sized business card with the items in the kit listed along with their uses!

Computer cleaning list

M _ turn keyboard over & shake out crumbs
T _ wet finger & wipe smudges off moniter
W _ arrange tupes in alphabetical order
T _ clean up cookies & temporary files
F _ do disc scan & defrag
S _ time to shake out the keyboard again
S _ day to play on computer you worked hard all week

Computer Duster Buster

Cut a 4"x21/2" rectangle of very fuzzy lamb's type fur.
Fold it in half & glue together with a tongue depressor in between the fold.
If desired, personalize with a name on the stick.
Add poem.

Are the letters beginning to stick
And your mouse is slow to click?
Is your monitor losing its luster?
You just need a computer duster.
___by Shirley
https://www.craftsayings.com/projects/gag_gifts/computer_duster/index.shtml

Cookies & cookie cutter

Homemade cookies
Cookie cutters
Cookie mix
Gingerbread men
Jump rope and toys

Buy cookie cutters at family dollar or other discount store 6CUTTERS/$1.00, cheap, HUH? Attach poem with pretty Christmas ribbon or cord. My co_workers loved this!

I MADE A PLATE OF COOKIES
TO SHARE WITH YOU THIS YEAR,
I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD WAY
TO SPREAD SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER.
THEY ALL LOOKED REALLY TASTY,
SO I THOUGHT I'D EAT JUST ONE.
AND A LITTLE WHILE LATER,
I NOTICED THERE WERE NONE!
SO HERE'S MY CHRISTMAS GREETING,
AND A COOKIE CUTTER TOO.
NOW YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN COOKIES,
AND MAYBE SHARE A FEW!
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)

#2 _

Poinsettia's are red,
Cookies are sweet.
I've been really busy _
So make your own darned treat!

Conference Speaker TY Gift Box

... Postcards from your area,
... Small gift items uniquely from your state/town (go to gift shop and just look around) (In Wash: WA Apple Lotion, Mt. St. Helen's ash; Space Needle)

Constipation crisis

Over the Hill bran flakes, a can of prune juice, a fake stick of dynamite and a roll of toilet paper. The cover on the toilet paper said, "Constipation Crisis Kit".

#1 _

This kit is for when
you're feeling really low
Simply due to the fact
your bowels won't go
If the need arises
don't have a fit
Just make good use
of this Constipation Kit
or
Just open up and use
this Constipation Kit
katieangelamber©2006

Corn cobs/toilet paper

... tied homespun around a couple of cobs and used a simple tag that I just wrote "Emergency Toilet Paper" on it. Or 'in case of emergency
... great gift for those into emergency preparedness

#1 _

CORN COB WIPES (With new non_scratch surface!)

Take care of business
Whenever you need
And visit the outhouse
Deliver your deed
Clean up is easy
With scrubable wipes
Just hold in your hand
And give it a swipe
But when you are done
If you're in a rut
You probably pushed
It right up your b*tt!
(Jennifer Byerly)

#2 _

It really is revoltin',
When you're sitting on the pot;
There's nothing to clean up with,
Your hand is all you've got.

No paper in the outhouse _
Whatever will you do?
Here _ use this handy corn cob;
It'll do the job for you.
___jazbo 0906

#3 _

There ain't no toilet paper
There ain't no newsprint too
Your ready to wipe your ass
What'cha you gonna do?

Take this handy corn cob
And give your ass a scrubin'
But do it nice and gentle
Don't wear it down to nothin'
katieangelamber©2006

#4 _

Spiders under the seat,
Hornets in the corner.
Get out of the outhouse quick
Or you're gonna be a goner.

Where's the danged TP?
Where's the catalog?
Guess these corn cobs'll do _
they're borrowed from the hog.
___jazbo 0906
Corn off the cob
_ candy corn in a bag

Cow eggs

Well..........................
While walking a field the other day, we made a strange discovery. What do you think we found?
I KID YOU NOT!!....
we found COW EGGS!!!!!
Heck,Well you can imagine our surprise.
we were probably as surprised as you are right now.
We could not imagine why on earth that a momma cow would leave her precious eggs, but leave them she did.
We were trying to decide what to do with these precious little orphaned eggs, when someone happened to think of you and all the wonderful mother cows that you have at your home.
So we are giving these little baby eggs and thought that if you could them in a nice warm nest and let one of your most loving mother cows sit on them,
WELL!!!...............
Miracles Do Happen!!!!!!!

Cow herd seeds

Posted by: Grandma Bonnie on Mon, Nov 13, 00 at 14:40
How about these?
Put white beans that have black spots painted on them in a small bag. Attach a card that has a picture of a cow and reads "Herd Starter Kit" the back reads...
To start your own herd, plant the seeds in a warm spot right side up (you don't want the cows to grow upside down, do you? Be patient, it takes a long time to start your own hers. For best results, moo softly while watering.

#2 _ Belted Galloways

Color dried lima beans with a black marker so that they are black on the ends with a natural strip in the middle. Add this on the tag:
seeds imported from somewhere in Maine.
___Carmen

Cow patties

Melted Chocolate with coconut or something of texture, poured into a little plate and when almost firm, stir the top around to make it look like the real ones. I would have some melted paraffin in it to make it get firmer and not melt so fast in your hands. It would be funny and edible.

Cow repair kit

pretzels for the fence, jolly ranchers, peppermint patty, for the cow pie, a miniature cow bell, some red ribbon, *paper punched cows with spots colored on, cow printed fun foam sheets.

* Punch cows from white or tan paper then color little spots randomly on white paper. Then I took my cow punch & punched little black & white cows. Turned out cute. If you use a permanent marker, the color 'bleeds' to the back of the paper so both sides are colored.

#1 _

A repair kit for your cow,
It will help her, and here's how...
A little bell when she loses her
voice.....Or a bottle of moos,
you have your choice....
A red bow for her tail, so she'll
know what's front and back..
To collect her milk, a little pail,
it will work without fail...
Last put not least a spot or two
just in case she loses a few....
After all the trauma she has gone
through, give her one of these treats...
She will thank you for these good eats....
___gsnap

#2 _

When your cow has broken down
Don't be sad, no need to frown.

This little kit will do the trick
When your cow is feeling sick.

If your cow has lost its spots
Here's some spares, lots and lots.

A cow with no bell is incomplete
This spare will put it back on its feet.

Tie this ribbon round its neck
Give it a bow... .what the heck!

I'm sure your cow will feel brand new
And I hope it brings lots of milk too.
___lil peach

Crack cream (X)

Put label on a jar of cold cream! This is very innocent... great for dry cracking skin!

This crack cream is guaranteed
To eliminate cracks as you sleep,
So smear it on all cracks at night
Except those you wish to keep!
___Shirley Thomas

Cross in my pocket

Let this cross remind you
Of God's unending love.
He gave His son to save us
& is watching from above.

Let faith surround you
& fill you with delight.
Let hope guide you,
Each & every night.
With a cross in your pocket,
You need never feel alone.
As God is quietly waiting,
To guide you safely home.
© Sue Pitchfork

#2 _

It's also a daily reminder
of the peace & comfort I share
with all who know my Master
& give themselves to His care.

So, I carry a cross in my pocket
Reminding no one but me,
That Jesus is Lord in my life _
If only I'll let Him be.

Daddy's diaper kit

Tool/Nail apron( waist or bib style)
( These are found in Home Building Warehouses or at your DiscountSuper Store
diapers
diaper cream
diaper wipes
disposable changing pad
diaper pins
hand sanitizer
disposable scented diaper bags
baby powder
goggles
nose clip
gloves
Tongs can be fun too
rattle/small stuffed animal tether (for distraction purposes)
The world's best Dad medal
Feeding set (spoon and bib)
List of local phone numbers for advice (911 should be first, poison control, pharmacist, Aunt Sue, Mom, Sis, etc.)
I love my Daddy Bib

#2 _

Fill a bucket, or container with things like, Kitchen tongs, baby wipes, rubber gloves, clothes pin for his nose, plastic trash bags, plastic goggles, mask, air freshener, powder, lotion, oil, soap, diapers, apron, hair cover, paper shoe covers. Include this poem, written by Shirleyt

First clip the clothespin to your nose...
This is just the beginning of your woes!
Carefully pull on each surgical glove.
Remember you do this out of love!

Don the goggles and you're ready,
Oh, the things you do as a daddy!
With tongs and diaper head for the trash
Setting a new record for the 3_yeard dash!

Now those wipes will come in handy...
Just a little swipe and all is dandy.
Then sprinkle on a little smelly powder
And you just couldn't be any prouder!

Oop!...Hurry and cover that little tush
Before you have a fountain gush!
And now your reward is one of bliss...
A great big slobbery hug and kiss!
___Shirley thomas

Daily scripture kit

1) TOOTHPICK _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Goodness" _ pick out the good qualities in others.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." _ Matt. 7:1_2
2) RUBBER BAND _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Gentleness" _ be flexible; things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out.
"We know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" _ Romans 8:28
3) BAND AID _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Love" _ heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.
"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" _ Col. 3:12_14
4) PENCIL _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Self_Control" _ Be in control of your time, and spend time with God. List your blessings everyday.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ." _ Eph.1:3
5) ERASER _ To remind you show the Spirit of "Kindness" _ Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK.
"Joseph said to them (his brothers) 'Don't be afraid'. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives'" _ Gen.50:19_20
6) GLUE _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Patience" _ stick with it and you can accomplish anything with the help of Jesus Christ.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" _ Phil 4:13
7) MINT _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Faith". _ Trust in God and remember that you are worth a mint !
"For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten Son" _ John 3:16_17
8)CANDY KISS _ to remind you to show the Spirit of "Joy" _ Rejoice and be glad, everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday.
"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."_ 1 John 4:7
9) TEA BAG _ to remind you have the Spirit of "Peace" _ Relax daily and go over that list of blessings.
"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." _ 1 Thess 5:18
10) CANDLE _ to remind you to share Jesus Christ with others.
"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven" _ Matthew 5:16

Dear John Pill
Jaw breaker _ If you can take this, you can take anything!

Decision dice
Make one for actions; the other for activity.

Indecision
Why not; maybe; sometimes; whenever; probably; possibly; pretty soon; sooner than later;

__Go for it; leave it up to fate;

Cat

shred.......curtain
nap on......couch
pounce on...tablecloth
claim.......owner's leg
scratch.....countertop
shed on.....owner's best shirt
by shirleyt@craftsayings.com

Plan your day _ eat, golf, fish, nap, TV, shop, walk, cards
Fortune balls (like old 8 balls)

Affirmation Ball Messages:

At Least I Love You
Brilliant Idea!
Half_Full
Have You Lost Weight?
It Can't Be All That Bad
Look On The Bright Side
Nice Job!
Nice Outfit!
Nice Try!
People Like You, Pure Genius!
That's O.K.
The Sky's The Limit
Who Says You're Stupid?
You Can Do It!
You Look Marvelous
Your Breath Is So Minty
You're 100% Fun!
You're A Winner!
You're Good Enough.
Excuse Ball Messages:
24 Hour Flu
Abducted By Aliens
Amnesia
Car Trouble
Full Moon
Huh?
I Was Mugged
It's In The Mail
It's Not My Job
I've Got A Headache
Jury Duty
Kryptonite
Mexican Food
My Dog Ate It
My Fish Died
No Hablo Ingleses
Oprah
The Voices Told Me To
Traffic Was Bad
What Memo?

Financial Ball Messages:

Bear Market Ahead
Bull Market Ahead
Buy Now
Buy Pork Bellies
Buy Real Estate
Buy T_Bills
Change Brokers
Don't Buy on Margin
Go For It
One Word: Plastics
Out to Lunch
Pay Off Loans
Ride It Out
Sell Half Now
Sell Now
Sell Real Estate
Start Own Business
Tech Stocks Hot
Think Precious Metals
Unclear _ Ask Again
.

My Analyst Ball Messages:

Are You A Bed Wetter?
Are You Taking Your Meds?
Baby Steps
Break_Through!
Free Your Inner Child
Go On...
Go To Your Happy Place
HMMMM MMM...
How Did That Make You Feel?
I Don't Date Patients
Less Guilt More Smiles
Let's Channel That Anger
Let's Go With That
Let's Move On
Sorry Time's Up
Talk About Your Mother
What Do You Think?
Who Am I Talking To Now?
You're In Denial
You're Making Progress.

Sarcastic Ball Messages:

As If
Ask Me If I Care
Dumb Question Ask Another
Forget About It
Get A Clue
How's that working for you?
In Your Dreams
Not
Not A Chance
Obviously
Oh Puh_leez!!
Sure
That's Ridiculous
Well Maybe
What Do You Think?
Whatever
Who Cares?
Yeah And I'm The Pope
Yeah Right
You Wish
You've Got To Be Kidding!!

Love:
#1 _

caress my back
tickle my arms
rub my surprise
massage my face
surprise my legs
lotion my whole body

#2 _

let's kiss in the bedroom
let's hug on the floor
let's wrestle on the couch
let's play in the tub
let's talk in bed
in the chair

#3 _

love me
loves me not
be mine
hugs & kisses
I love you

Menu:

__consider; commit to;
... one of everything; just dessert; salad bar; soup & salad;
Old age _

#1 _

complain now?
Nap later
Snack next week
Recline once a day
Ponder after
Gripe today

#2 _

sleep; sex; not now; never; a lot; maybe; sometime; whenever; now? In a minute; now & then; later; together; _____; later today; tomorrow; tonight; next week

#3 _

take your pills; find my

#4 _

lotion my wrinkled elbows
rub my swollen/sore/dry ankles
wipe my itchy/sore/dry back
exercise my wrinkled/dry face
soak my stiff neck
wrap my sore joints
bandage my itchy head
massage my
Retirement
Now? Talk on phone
In a minute travel
Now & then bingo
Later cards
At dawn eat
Together TV
shop

Romantic:

Weekend away
Video
Dancing
Shopping
Romantic dinner
Stay in bed

Work day:

__focus on;
... actual work; lunch; coffee break; punch in; phone call; punch out; type; file

Boobie Boosters

....You'll see your boobies grow right before your eyes

#1 _

Everybody needs a lift
and gravity can suck
so if you want a boobie boost
now you are in luck.
Suck a pill slowly
and right before your eyes
you're boobies will swell
and your cleavage will rise.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#2 _

Give your boobs a great big boost
So things will have a place to roost
Your boobs will grow before your eyes
Take 2 pills and watch them arise
or
So large you'll get 1st. prize
or
Huge enough to attract all guys
katieangelamber©2005

#3 _

Give your boobs a great big boost
So things will have a place to roost
Take 2 pills and watch them arise
Huge enough to attract all guys
katieangelamber©2005

#4 _

Everybody needs a lift
and gravity can suck.
So if you want a boobie boost
now you are in luck.
Suck a pill slowly
and right before your eyes,
Your boobies will swell
and your cleavage will rise.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Cheapskate Capsules
....to cure the tightwad syndrome

#3 _

The tightwad syndrome
has you in it's grasp
you have mastered the art
of making every penny last.
But you can't take it with you
so loosen up and smile
take a "cheapskate capsule"
and spend up in style.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Chill Pills
.....a cure for "Freaking Out"
#1 _

Running round in circles
frazzled and stressed
it seems a long time
since you felt your best.
Life is far too short
to stress out each day
so chill out with these pills
and find some time to play.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#2 _

If you're always "freaking out"
By screaming with a large shout
Take a Chill Pill or two
Feel the calmness settle over you
katieangelamber©2005

#3 _

Running round in circles
frazzled and stressed
it seems a long time
since you felt your best.
Life is far too short
to stress out each day
so chill out with these pills
and find some time to play.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~
Click_zoral
....instead of (Drixoral) For the internet addict
___deanna

#1 _

You are an internet junkie
with a constant clicking hand
you used to be the master
but now your under geek command.
You need to break the cycle
go out and get some air
take a bag full of these
and then get off that chair!
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

Couch Potato Cure
....take two as directed, then give your rear_end and your couch a breather

#1 _

Take 2 pills and shake your butt
Let your rear end come unglued
From the couch which needs a breather
They'll help make a healthier you
© 2005 lou buffkin

#2 _

One potato, two potato, couch potato too
Pop one pill, and then become, an energetic you!
© 2005 Jennifer Byerly

#3 _

Once upon a time
someone superglued your butt
but now the time has come
to get out of the rut.
Come on couch potato
get up on your feet
life is to be lived
not viewed from your seat!
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

COW_ZAC

instead of (prozac) When taken, you will be UDDERLY energetic and be able to MOOOOve faster and have enough energy to jump over the MOOOOn. No Bull added
___deanna

#1 _

When you or your mams are depressed and need a boost
Take two pills and feel utterly rejuiced
Don't drink too much milk or start trying to *Mooo*
Instead use that energy to jump over the moon
No BS needed
___lou

#2 _

No bull my friend
you'll be utterly amazed
how better you feel
when on these you've grazed
You'll milk more out of life
feel you can jump the moon
take as often as needed
to get mooooo_ving soon
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

Cure_it_all mints

#1 _

From Arthritis to zits
and everything that ails
take a cure it mint
the fix_it that never fails.
Guaranteed to cure you
no matter what you've got
and it also freshens breath
so it really does the lot!
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

DUMMS

Want to be a smartie pants
want to make the grade?
take a pill or three
and chill out in the shade
You will be a genius
you'll put Einstein to shame
take the whole packet
to really lift your game.
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

.....Take two instead of pigging out
#1 _

When the urge to binge strikes
just fight the urge
and take a pill or two
instead of a feeding splurge.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#2 _

If you are a piggy
the fat will never go
and your bikini body
is one you'll never show.
So instead of pigging out
take "fat be gone" instead
and remember you aren't hungry
the craving's in your head!
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

METAMU_CELL

#1 _

Some folks have security blankets
or a teddy of their own
your favorite attachment
is your cellular phone.
Can't leave home without it
don't even want to try?
Well take a pill or thirty
and kiss that phone goodbye
~ © Sue Pitchfork~

Middle Age Cure Pills
....helps you act your age
#1 _

#3 _

Why don't you act your age
is what they tell you
you're acting like a five year old
and you know it's true.
But being an adult
is quite a lot to bear
but this middle age cure
will help get you there.
You'll enjoy responsibility
and staying up past ten
and once you've mastered adulthood
you won't slip back again.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Mint of Amnesia

#1 _

Ever needed to forget
or wanted not to recall
well now it's easy
for memory loss great or small
You'll be smiling vacantly
not a worry or a care
no need to worry about your brain
as it's no longer there.
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~ "Monday Morning Blues" Cure
Nerd No More Cure
....cures the skinny, weakling syndrome

#2 _

Last time you were at the beach
sand was kicked in your face
and when you look in the mirror
you see quite a disgrace.
So if you hide from bullies
and feel wimpy and weak
these "Nerd no more" pills
are just the cure you seek.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

"NO MORE SNORE" cure

#1 _

Are you having sleepness nights
Cause your spouce snores like a lawnmower?
Do the ceiling tiles shake loose
Even when you roll them over?
"No More Snore" pills are the answer
To get a sleepfilled night
Put them in your ears before bedtime
And hear nothing till mornings light
Deanna ©2005

Pimple Pills

#1 _

If you're feeling spotty
and don't want to join the dots
just pop these little pills
instead of popping spots.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Pity me cure

Sleepinol

#1 _

Having trouble sleeping?
now sleepinol help is here
but be warned if you overdose
you'll be asleep all year.
Just two little tablets
you'll be sleeping like the dead
but caution is needed
as they can fog up your head.
And while you're busy snoring
people may be poking fun
at the drooling forgetful mess
you have now become.
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

#3 _

For an instant caffeine kick
a heart start in your day
just take a caffeine pill
and watch folk get out the way.
You'll get a jolt of energy
like you won't believe
and the symptoms of heartburn
may make you want to heave.
You'll have the shakes and jitters
and be talking really fast
with the bonus of yellow stained teeth
these pills are quite a blast.
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

Tardy Pills

....for someone who is always late, even a dumb ass can learn to tell time

#1 _

Tick tock, knock it off
You're late for work again!
Not a smarty, always tardy?
Help's around the bend!
Pop a pill, please say you will
Then you'll soon be aware
That you'll feel great, no longer late
With extra time to spare!
© Jennifer Byerly

#2 _

Are you running late again?
Can't you tell the time?
being tardy's very rude
it's crossing the line.
So to get you on track
here's a tick tock pill
and if you buy a watch
that would be better still!
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Vitamin G

....for old geezers...Take two as needed, put your teeth in your mouth and start chasing the ladies. You'll be able to park your walker and dance the night away

#1 _

Are you an old Geezer
has your get up and go gone?
then just take these pills
and you'll party all night long.
Throw away the walking frame
no need for any doubt
just put on your party shoes
and start to twist and shout.
~ ©Sue Pitchfork~

Work Sucks Pills

....helps you to love your job

#1 _

Does work give you a headache
If that is exactly your case
Then take a couple of Work Sucks pills
And do it with great haste

No longer will you hate your job
You'll fly right through the day
So hurry up & pop those pills
Do it right away!
© 2005 Laurie

#2 _

Do you hate your job
And don't know what to do
Well then, guess what honey
I've got the cure for you

Just take a couple of these pills
And in no time you'll find
No longer do you hate
Working 9 to 5.
© 2005 Laurie

#3 _

Another work day
same old daily grind
but what you think of work
is just a state of mind.
These pills will help you
to cope with your career
and the thought of payday
is sure to bring you cheer.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005~

Zo_laff

instead of (zoloft)
..... take as needed when you need some happiness
...take two if you ran out of gas, missed the bus, or were late for work
....for long lasting happiness, take them all and look for the rainbows.
___deanna

#1 _

If anything goes wrong or if you've run out of gas (etc.)
Just take two pills and break into a fit of laffs
___lou

#2 _

If life gets you down
and you can't seem to win
just pop a little pill
and the giggles will begin.
Laugh away your troubles
grin away your woes
life is truly wonderous
with zo_laff you'll see rainbows.
~ © Sue Pitchfork

Diamond Stick Pin
Glue a dime on a stick ("dime_on" Stick) and add a pin back.
Diet Dawn soap
Bottle of Dawn with a washcloth or scrubbie.
I use shampoo in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
...No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start
showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!

#2 _

The holidays are nearing,
As usual, we will overeat.
But, don't worry about gaining weight,
I found a way to lose the fat,
And it's really very neat!!

Just swing by the kitchen,
When you go in to shower,
Grab your Dawn dishwashing liquid,
It has fat dissolving power!!

It dissolves fat that's hard to remove.
Says it right on the label.
So, don't feel you have to worry
About what you eat at the table.
©Nannykaren

"diet fork"

My mother made a diet fork for me as a gift.
She got a silver fork from a thrift shop, and curled all the tines of the fork with pliers until they looked like that curly ribbon.
She adorned it with ribbons and beads, and it was rather pretty. (To be fancy, one could even engrave "diet fork" on the fancy part of it, and/or drill a hole for hanging!)
This goes with a fork, with the tines bent in all directions:

I've got a new diet
You can eat all you can
No counting! No weighing!
No special meal plan.
Trust me _ this diet
Is easy to master _
Use only this fork!
You'll lose weight much faster!
___Diane

Diet kit

Fork with tines cut half way off
Spoon with a hole in it
Knife with blade sliced in half
So you can pig out but only eat half as much.

Diet mirror

This specially designed mirror actually makes you look slimmer. Contains 5 phrases designed to encourage the efforts of the dieter such as:1. You're looking slimmer already!!2. You're looking marvelous darling, keep it up!!3. Keep up the good work, it's showing!!

Diet skeleton

Put a little Halloween skeleton in a craft bag with this tag:

You say you're on a diet
And you must watch everything you eat
You need to lose a little weight
And you're determined you won't be beat
But be careful as you do it
Don't go too far or you will see
You won't just lose a few pounds
You'll end up looking like me
© Caboobies Crafts (Y.Lowther)

Disposable razor

There is much to be learned from this simple disposable razor:
...friction & abrasion wear away the edge of the blade, teaching us to avoid friction with each other & learn to get along
...rusting causes the cutting edge to wear off, reminding us to be productive & not waste time
...use lubrication to extend the life of the razor & to bring protection to the face _ showing us that sharp, cutting remarks have no use any where, any time.

However, unlike the razor, you are indisposable, much needed & appreciated.
_jazbo 1006

Dog & cat caller

Electronic cat and dog caller ... guaranteed to work."
Use an electric can opener; can use manual one as well.

#1 _

A great newfangled gadget
And there's nothing to install!
What is this thing you're holding?
It's a handy Kitty (or Puppy) Call!
©2004 Kelli Williams

#2 _

This works on every breed of dog (or cat),
The bigger and the smaller.
It very nice to have around,
A handy new Dog (or Cat) Caller!
©2004 Kelli Williams
While cleaning my Mom's jewelry box, I found a plastic canvas square and a note inside with a plastic storage bag (gallon size) and a twist tie. The poem on it says:

#1 _

"Please take this little doggie bag
when you go out to eat,
and if you don't eat all your food
just take it home....and reheat!
"

#2 _

When you are out to dinner
And have leftovers on your plate
Bring out this handy Doggie Bag
And there's no more waste to hate
Package it all up
For your pet to eat
Or keep it for yourself
And take it and reheat!
©katieangelamber 2004

Don't be crushed

Put one of the following poems with a can of Crush Orange soda:

#1 _

Don't be crushed by
school ending so soon.
It's really not all that far
to August from June!
© shirleyt@craftsayings.com 2006

#2

Don't be crushed by
school ending so soon.
It's really not all that far
to September from June!
© shirleyt@craftsayings.com 2006

DONUT SEEDS:

Take a baggie and put Cheerios or some other cereal that looks like
a donut in it. Staple saying to baggie. Saying has two sides.
FRONT SIDE: DONUT SEEDS _ NEW HYBRID
Grow your own donut bush.
Planting instructions on back of package.

BACK SIDE: HOW TO GROW

Carefully place one seed at bottom of a ten foot hole, five feet apart in any type of soil. When mature; bush will grow to a height of six feet.
FOR GLAZED DONUTS: Pour twenty pounds of sugar in each hole.
GUARANTEE: If for any reason you are not completely satisfied, or plants fail to grow in five years_ Dig up seeds for PRO_RATED refund.
GOTCHA, INC.
DONUT GROWERS
Dress for dinner
napkin with a neck tie design on it for tucking under your chin

Drought kit

...poly pellets (like for doll making) as rain drops
...cotton batting for clouds
...bamboo umbrella like used for drinks
...piece of a ruler or tape measure for a rain guage
...do they still make those plastic hair bonnets that go in a purse? that would be funny to add
...card that says 'just add water'
---jazbo 0707

Duck for the Holidays

This is the time of year when we need to be aware of flying reindeer. When out & about, keep a sharp eye out for them overhead. If per chance you hear them coming, put your arms over your head & assume a squatting position. You will know the coast is clear when you no longer hear a whistling sound.
___Jazbo 11.08

Dust Bunny (see also Adopt a Dust Bunny)

Clothes dryer lint with 2 tiny googly eyes.

#1 _

CLUTTER!?!? Clutter, clutter everywhere _
just where does one begin?
Ceilings, floor? Or jam packed drawer?
To do it all again?

Dusty Bunnies just grow fat,
they're friends and each are named.
Shyly hid next to the walls,
slowly they're being tamed.

Cobwebs form in cornices,
such lovely lacy things.
Daily webs are check for lunch
or used as 'spider swings!'

Denmark's windows _ seldom washed?!
but sparkle with a sheen.
Windows here wear misty haze,
from outside they LOOK clean!

Furniture needs vacuuming
and drapes could stand that, too,
Cupboards need some straightening up;
whole house could stand a "do!"

Mantle wears a film of dust
so thick you write a date!
If Hazel were available _
now THAT would be just great.

How did whole house get this way?
"NEGLECT"! is what you say?
Crafting, baking, reading books,
don't wait another day!
... .© 3'05_Joy Hall

#2 _

Little Dust Bunnies
Are hiding here
They're hiding there
and everywhere,
Peeking from corners
And under the chairs
They eat dust, fluff,
And lots of hairs.
Please don't disturb them
They're so quiet and sweet
They love to peek
And play hide and seek!
Doreen Scerri © 2005

#3 _

Wear your socks,
When you come creeping.
Shhhh! be very quiet _
Dust bunnies sleeping.
___jazbo

#4 _

Watch where you dust
with that cloth you are tossing;
You might be in the path
Of a Dust Bunny crossing!
___jazbo

FACTS ABOUT DUST BUNNIES

Where to find them or " The Natural Environment"
Dustbunnies have been around for centuries and are an untouched
resource of easy_care pets for our busy life styles. They have lived
quietly along side us and have already been domesticated.
You probably have one or two which have "adopted" you and you
wouldn't even know it.
The Dustbunny seeks out spaces that receive little traffic, and
preferably dark _ although some do become curious of the outside
world.

Dust bunny Defenses

Dustbunnies have their own paratrooper squads that one must be on
the look_out for. However, since the Dustbunnies do not have their
own Airforce they depend on fan blades to transport them, so
invasions usually take plan during warm summer days
There are also small legions of foot soldiers that parade across the
floor when the ventilation units are turned on.
When heavy objects are moved they will scurry for cover. This is the
best time for capture.

Dustbunny Social Life

Dust Bunnies are very prolific. There is no such thing as ONE Dust
Bunny. Left to their own vices, dustbunnies will reproduce at
alarming rates.
Dustbunnies like to use stereo_systems as their own personal Singles
Clubs. Dancing usually takes place on the older models with a LP
turntable, as the laser show of the CD drives have been linked to
Fur Cancer in studies conducted at DBU.
Believe it or not DISCO is still their favorite music. If you find
any dancing on the head of you needle, please remove gently and
place off to the side so they can catch their breath.

Dustbunny care:

Care for dustbunnies is very low maintenance.
Feeding: Dust Bunnies will find their own food. They have a tendency
to turn vegetarian _ if you do not wish them to eat your houseplants
you may wish to gently wipe them off the leaves with a gentle but
firm "no".
Dustbunnies need a quiet, dark place to make a hutch or home, under
beds and dressers are the ideal spots. If you wish them to find
their own space, don't be surprised if you catch them crawling the
walls and hanging from the chandeliers.
Dust Bunnies prefer small hidden places where no on looks.

Health Care:

Unlike many pets, Dustbunnies do not need inoculations or veterinary visits.
If your Dustbunny begins to look peaked, build it a nest of laundry lint and in a few days your pet will be looking fine and frisky.

Making your home Dustbunny friendly:

If you are missing an item, check the Dust Bunny hutch.
Unlike Raccoons who will actively look for goodies, Dustbunnies will only
take what they can get easily especially anything left on the floor
near their home.

Dust Bunny Catch & release

Dust bunnies under 5 lbs. must be released. If you want a mount for
your wall, you can make a replica. Just measure the length & girth
of the dust bunny, photograph it & release it gently back where you found it.
When you find one, you are expected to release sub_legal bunnies
unharmed. Many factors influence a bunny's chance for survival.
Even though it may appear to be in good condition when it is released,
there is no guarantee it will survive. Nevertheless, if you follow
these steps closely, you greatly increase the likelihood of your catch's survival.
1. Time is important _ release a dust bunny as quickly as possible.
2. A DB suffocates out of its natural environment, or it could
sustain brain damage. It can also be injured fatally if you let it
flop around on the bare floor.
3. Be gentle _ don't squeeze your catch.
4. Use long_nosed pliers, forceps or similar tools to handle the
larger ones.
5. Hold the DB upright. When it revives, let it go.

#1 _

If all it seems that you do is rush, rush, rush.
And find that you can't get to housework much.
And if by chance you spot a little dust bunny.
Be sure to release it or get a fine and that's not funny!!!
___cutsie ©2005

Dust bunny pet care kit
Dust Bunny survival kit

... a pair of tweezers _ for careful handling of your pet
... tiny baggie of dryer lint _ as a 'starter crop'; or to make your pet feel at home; if your pet is looking peaked, use for building them a nest;
... small paper fan _ to help them move around freely
... extra pair of googly eyes
... small plastic fly or bug _ as a toy for your pet ... make a tiny belly button brush but call it something else _ like for grooming your pet
... list of care instructions, rolled up & inserted in the gum ball container
... list of name suggestions: Fuzzy, Lumpy, Hairy, Dusty, Roly_Poly, etc.
... according to the dust bunny site, they can reproduce when single & rapidly. sooo....maybe a pinch of dirt or some small beads or pebbles for birth control
... a pinch of glitter _ for when your DB goes out
... a small piece of bonded quilt batting _ for when your pet wants to play 'dress_up'
... yarn & fabric scraps _ cut into 1/2" pieces; for when your DB wants to craft
_by jazbo

Dustpan Cookies:
#1 _

I was in a hurry,
?Cuz time was running out.
I'd baked a batch of cookies for you,
And when I turned about,
I saw they'd fallen on the floor.
It made me want to shout!
How could this happen at this time,
When time was running out.
I couldn't throw them in the trash.
Whatever could I do!
I quickly swept them in this pan,
And rushed them off to you.

#2 _

I was baking some cookies
When they dropped on the floor.
So I scooped them right up
And rushed them to your door!
Merry Christmas From Our House To Yours!

#3 _

I made you yummy cookies
And dropped them...Oh man!
But then I got a great idea
And swept then in this pan.
Now they really are special
And you're going to love me,
Cause these broken cookies
Lost every single calorie!

Bake some cookies, or bar cookies, you can even mix in some store bought ones. From the dollar store purchase new dust pans, I was lucky and found some in hunter green, and some in burgundy, which looked very Christmas-y! Arrange the cookies on the dust pan, wrap in colored cellophane, and tie on a bow, with the poem on a tag.

Next: Jazz's Gag Gifts E - I Collection