Some may be rated X; sorry. I just collect them. (((hugs)))
Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems.

Gag gifts with short Craft Poems

Adopt a Dust Bunny. (see also Dust Bunny)
make a 'certificate' of sorts with puns. Some ideas:

... DB are quiet
... low maintenance
... you hardly know they are there
... very playful as they roll around the floors & under the furniture
... all are available for adoption
... need to go to good homes with plenty of room to roam & little chance of disturbance
... Dust research in progress. Please do not disturb the samples.
... clean sweep
... highly con-dust-able

imagine leaving one of these under the edge of a couch/chair when you go visiting and casually mention they must be a member of the dust bunny collector's society. When they look puzzled point out their pet dust bunny! -GramaDee

Certificate (Cutsie)
Print up as a topper then insert the adoption papers in a 3x4" baggie.

they make great pets
they are quiet
they listen really well
they don't eat much
they don't chew your shoes
they don't need to be walked
they love to be cuddled.
Adoption papers included.

Adoption Papers (by Cutsie)
Made into a business-size card:

Official Dust Bunny Adoption Papers
This certificate is proof that __________ has adopted a Dust Bunny on __________(date).
The Dust Bunny from this date forward will be hereby known as ___________.
By order of the mayor of Dust Bunnyville

Adopt a furball

... a handful of the curly doll hair with some googly eyes glued to it
... wad of sheep roving

Take one or 2 or 3;
Take as many as you like - they're free!!
Keep them for yourself
or spread them around to friends!
Dust research in progress. Please do not disturb the samples.

#1 -

Roll up, adopt a furball
Why not make it two or three
Send them onto family or friends
They don't cost anything, they're free

But if you feel sad for them
And want to give a one a home
Then choose the one you'd like to have
And gently take it for your own

It won't mind where you keep it
In fact it's happy stored with lots of stuff
Especially somewhere dusty
Where it can pick up some more fluff

Just remember when you pass it
Smile, don't look away
Then you'll have a happy little furball
That with you, always stay.
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Affirmation soaps

Print up a saying, quote, name, etc, on the computer. Cut it to fit in the molds you will be using, then laminate it.
Melt soap & pour about 1/4 " into mold. Carefully put saying face down.
Melt more & pour over.
Can color & scent the soap.

Awakening, Begin within, Believe, Create, Dance , Discover, Dream, Feel, Give, Imagine, Inspire, Laugh, Live, Love, Pray, Rejoice, Slow down, Touch. Wish, Air guitar

In the latest Reader's Digest, there was a cartoon of a boy opening up an empty box at Christmas, with his father standing there saying: "Like it? It's an air guitar!" Anyway, I was thinking If one of you talented ladies out there could come up with some kind of poem, it would make a great gag gift. --Lin'a

#1 -

This box may look empty
but it really isn't so
it's an air guitar
to make the music flow.
A godsend for your neighbors
ear plugs are not required
just mix in imagination
everything's supplied.
© Sue Pitchfork

#2 -

Air Guitar, for the musician in you
- Air Guitar, for the musician with imagination

#3 -

And you thought the box was empty,
But that simply is not true.
It's an air guitar - no cords, no amps,
The gift of imagination for you.
--Jazbo 11.28.07

All Natural Bubble bath - I use a small baggie and insert dried beans with the instructions to prepare and eat the beans an hour before bathing

American Flag

White curling ribbon
White paper
Red curling ribbon
Scrap blue fabric
Small craft ziplock
Star hole punch

Punch 50 stars out of white paper. Cut 7 red "stripes" & 6 white "stripes" out of ribbon. Cut a square out of the fabric. Place all ingredients in a bag. Type the following "directions" on a sheet & attach to bag.

The Ingredients of the American Flag
1 blue field
50 white stars
7 red stripes
6 white stripes
Blue represents loyalty.
White represents purity.
Red represents bravery. It reminds us to stand up for our rights at all times.
There are 50 stars, one to represent each state.
The 13 stripes represent the original colonies.

Amish cake tester

cake tester poem I originally saw was only four lines long and was connected to a small cloth yo-yo attached by string to a large toothpick.


When it comes to cooking cake
you need to cook them well
but to know they are done
Is there a way you can tell?
This handy little tool
will make each cake a success
when it comes out clean it's done
a little longer if there's a mess.
So now each cake you cook
will be baked to perfection
when you stick this tool
into the middle section.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#2 -

When this cake tester
comes out nice and clean
all your cakes will be done
you'll be the baking queen.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#3 -

"Look at this gift you've just received,
a round whisk broom you say?
Or maybe it's a clothing brush.
To this I say Nay.
My use is not to be a brush;
my purpose is another.
Now can you guess just what I am?
I was used by grandmother.
Remember when she would break a straw,
from nearby kitchen broom.
To test the cake that she had baked;
thus saving it from doom?
So hang me near your oven door,
there handy I will be.
Do not pull just break off my straw.
I'm a cake tester.... See?
A conversation piece you need;
to brighten up your day?
Let your friends guess what I am;
listen to what they say.
Soon talk will be of yesteryear,
and memories will awake.

Pour each a cup of coffee now and serve a piece of cake."
~Author Unknown to me~

Angel cream

Add some glittery eye shadow which has been broken up finely to a small amount of hand cream. Add to a small jar and decorate. Add poem. Rub a small amount on the back of a child's hand before going to bed to attract angels to watch over them in the night.

#2 -

find an appropriate container. For cheap, I just use the old 35mm containers, but I wash them really good. fill w/ hand cream/lotion (cheap is good!), then add very fine glitter. Can tint with a very few drops food coloring or glitter eyeshadow.
Decorate the outside of the canister w/ material, and cut a matching circle for the lid. I made a little bow out of thin ribbon and strung 2 tiny jingle bells on it. I printed the poem on the computer, and tied it to the bow.

Night is here, and it's time to go to bed.
But, before you lay down your sleepy head,
On the back of your hand rub some angel cream
So angels will watch over you as you dream.

#3 -

It's time to rest your sleepy head
Kick off your sleepers and climb into bed
Dab on your wrist some angel cream,
So angels will watch over you as you dream.

Angel Dust

Make a paper tag, with the name "Angel Dust" and with these instructions: "For a little magic in your life, close your eyes, sprinkle some on and make a wish. If it sparkles, you wish will come true!"

1/4 c. table salt
2 tsp. iridescent glitter
3-4 drops essential oil
Place about 1/4 c. of regular table salt in a large ziplock bag and a couple tsps. of coarse clear glitter (the irridescent ones) and 3 - 4 drops of essential or floral oil. Shake the bag to mix contents. Test it on a paper towel to make sure the oil doesn't stain the paper, and if it does, add more of the dry ingredients until it doesn't. If you don't have essential oil, use anything that smells nice (i.e. cologne or vanilla extract, you get the picture). This quantity makes about 8 little packages.
Put in 8 small zip lock jewelry bags.
Put large iridescent glitter (also called buffalo snow at Michael's) in a small zip lock bag with the poem below and use a small angel; rubber stamp for an accent with the poem.

#1 -

Within this little bag
Placed with loving care,
Is special angel dust
My Guardian placed there.
It is to share with special friends
When they're down or feeling blue,
To lift their heart and share a smile
As special friends should do.
And so I bagged this just for you,
to have on hand should you feel blue.

#2 -

Put a small amount of glitter or confetti in a small plastic bag. Gather a square of netting around it and tie off with ribbon. Decorate with flowers, pearls, buttons, etc.
Add the poem:

Tuck away and save this little bag of angel dust
Until you're feeling blue and life seems unjust.
Then take it out and sprinkle without further ado,
To remind you that there's an angel watching over you!

#3 -

This magical stardust I give to you
To bring you good luck and happiness too.
With a bag of stardust from above
Just a pinch here and there
Fills each day with love.
Use it whenever you're lonely or blue
And all of my love
Will come shining through.

#4 -

This Angel Dust is magic
But only when kept enclosed;
Should you date to open it
Your doubt will be exposed.
So put your faith in Angels
And keep it tightly closed.
Animal Crackers & Cocoa
you put the animal crackers with a packet of cocoa!

Animal crackers, and cocoa to drink
That is the finest of suppers, I think
When I'm grown up and can have what I please,
I think I shall always insist upon these.
----Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

For all of you who have ever wondered what kind and how many animals are in each box of Animal Crackers:
1 Lion, 1 Buffalo, 2 Sheep, 2 Monkeys, 2 Tigers, 3 Rhinos, 4 Camels, 5 Bears, and 6 Gorillas.

Anti-Stress Kit

Draw a large circle on a piece of paper & put �bang head here� in the center of that circle. Then type on the instructions as below:

Place on hard surface, then...

Bang Head
Continue until anti-depressed
Or you become unconscious

#2 - Bubble Wrap

When you are stressed & full of troubles,
Just grab a piece & smash some bubbles,
Watch problems go with a loud, "pop! Pop!"
Soon your spirits will be back on top.
This is very therapeutic, & in a while,
You'll find yourself beginning to smile.

Anxiety meds for coping with economic gloom

Debtrol, Subprimacare, Panix, Greedquil, Feariflu, Defaulta, Forclosen, Nuvopor. Colapsin. Scamagan. Defeatra, Corruptol
--Reader's Digest by Peter Scallion

Australian billy can

it's an Aussie thing. It is a tin can with a wire handle and you use it on a campfire for heating water or cooking in. Billy tea is heated water, a spoon of tea leaves and a young gum leaf. You swing the can in a circle 3 times before serving.

A little sachet of vegemite and tomato sauce, Eucolyptus oil - put a few drops on a tissue and seal in a small ziplock bag, timtams, bush teas, anything Australian that you can think of. Cover with native leaves.

You've heard of wombat stew
and of course Possum Pie
well the things inside this can
are truly dinky -di.
So when you need a lift
or a shot of patriotic flair
just look into the can
for the treasures hidden there.
© Sue Pitchfork

... timtams - Each Tim Tam is two and a half inches long, and consists of two thick chocolate biscuits (cookies, if you insist) separated by a layer of chocolate cream, and the whole thing is covered in chocolate.

... vegemite - Vegemite is one of several yeast extract spreads sold in Australia. It is made from leftover brewers' yeast extract (a by-product of beer manufacture) and various vegetable and spice additives. It is very dark reddish-brown, almost black, in color, and one of the richest sources known of Vitamin B. It's thick like peanut butter, it's very salty, and it tastes like - well let's just say that it is an acquired taste!

... bush tea -this is redbush tea, or rooibos tea. It is a sort fo tea which is grown only in South Africa, but may be purchased in the US from health food stores, I believe, under the name redbush or rooibos (rooibos means red bush in Afrikaans).

Auto-motor repair kit

Put these in a baggie with a topper of the appropriate logo of vehicle:
Duct tape, Rubber bands, Silly putty, Crayons, Paper clips, Gum, Super glue
I know how you feel about your (type of vehicle),
I know how dear it is to your heart;
So I put together this little repair kit,
Because I heard it was falling apart.

Silly putty will fill in those dents & scratches,
Then touch up with crayons 'til it matches.
Rubber banding parts together is a breeze
And here is a paperclip to hold your keys.

Duct tape will hold anything even a bent fender,
And gum holds lose parts to bring back the splendor.
Did you know super glue holds on a wobbly wiper?
Now just don't get so excited that you get hyper!
(Shirley Thomas)

#2 -

If you have an "Automotive Minded" Person in you life, these gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit.
This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires.
This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now.
Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2.
Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12 3.
Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament?
Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 ea. 5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50 6.
Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99 7.
Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99 8.
Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99 9.
Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.

Baby boomer kit

... matches that have been burnt
... piece of garden hose
--- jazbo 10.08

Our baby days are over
the pilot light is out
what used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
---Rochelle's husband

Baby shower

a bar of soap & a wash cloth

Bad Call Brick

Paint a sponge to look like a brick.
When the ref's call was made too quick,
It's time to bring out the bad call brick!
Throw it at the set with an aim so ready,
Now, don't you feel better already?

Bad dreams


#1 -

When you go to bed,
give this can a spray,
It brings good dreams,
and keeps bad ones away.

#2 -

this special can is just for you
to spray away bad dreams
now take a sniff it's back to sleep
only nice dreams you will see

#3 -

Inside this special can
Is a truly magical spray
Spray just a little bit
And bad dreams will float away
katieangelamber © 2005

#4 -

Inside this special can
Is a truly magical spray
By spraying just a little bit
You'll chase all bad dreams away
katieangelamber © 2005

#5 -

All nightmare creatures
hate things that smell nice
so if you want them gone
just take my advice.
Spray this sweet scent
under and around the bed
a squirt in the closet
a little on your bed spread.
Soon those nightmares
will be running out the door
and you'll have sweet dreams
tonight and forever more.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#6 -



Bag of Tricks, mini top hat, gold glitter, mini zip lock, foam bunny, wiggle eyes, wooden skewer

Glue wiggle eyes to rabbit foamie. Cut a 2" piece of a skewer. Paint skewer black except both ends paint ends, paint them white. Place rabbit, a mini top hat, mini magic wand and a pinch of glitter.

got a "bag of tricks" for you...
Take them out when you're feeling blue.
Put the rabbit in its hat,....Let him rest,
cause he needs that.....
Now throw the magic dust around.....
And soon a smile will be found...cmax

Bag This Idea

We are giving this bag as your Chistmas Gift,
Now do not get angry and do not be miffed.
Along with this gift are the top ten ways,
To use the bag through the holidays.

Number one is simple and easy you see,
Put a gift in the bag and send it to me.

Number two use some markers and stickers to dress it up nice,
Give to a neighbor filled with sweet smelling spice.

Number three with adult supervision required,
Put in sand and a candle and light when desired.

Number four is to tie it with twine on your tree,
Then you'll have an ornament to remind you of me.

Idea number five will help you stay slim,
For diets on Christmas are very grim.
Fill the bag with your favorite holiday snack,
Close up the top and give it a smack.
Then eat all you want and keep your attitude cool,
Broken treats have no calories and that is the rule.

Number Six (for tree huggers only)
Recycle this bag with your paper stacks,
And save a tree from getting the ax.

Number seven take the bag outside where it's cold,
Fill it with snow, use the bag as a mold.
Into the freezer the sack it will go,
Save till JUly, when your longing for snow.

Number eight fill the sack with can goods for the needy,
When you get to Heaven you won't look so greedy.

Number nine this bag is good for storing those leftover bows,
The reason you keep them, nobody knows.

Number Ten is to fill the bag with tinsel and confetti,
At the New Years Eve Party you will be ready.

I gave you my ideas to fill you with cheer,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

Bah humbug

Antibacterial Hand sanitizer, soap - to wash away Christmas spirit.
Ear plugs - to block out the Christmas carolers.
Elf Spray - to keep those pesky critters away.
A penny - to go with the others that you won't be wasting on gifts.
A do not disturb sign - to deter any annoying visitors.
... an empty wallet - for obvious reasons
... credit cards cut in half - for no spending
... penny pincher - penny in a spring-type clothespin
... lump of coal - you are getting yours now to save Santa a trip
... muffin - because you're getting 'muffin' for Christmas
... paper towels - to help you absorb some of the Christmas spirit
... gift not included
... nothing in a jar
... jolly ranchers in a baggie so you can have a Jolly, holly Christmas in spite of yourself
... millionaire seeds - just in case you change your mind
... anti-scrooge pills - some kind of candy
... headless snowmen
... black & red candy canes
... broken ornies
... used paper & bows to wrap the gift; use newspaper for wrapping and some kind if string for a bow. Such as twine, kite string,jute or packaging string, yarn
... bah humbug banner or door knob hanger
... burnt cookies
... burned out string of lights:
All the lights could be removed & then shape the strings into a wreath shape;
You could use tangled light strings as the "wreath" and glue the other things on with an "I HATE CHRISTMAS" sign.
Photocopy register receipts and tape them together to make a long ribbon for a bow.
Grow your own Christmas tree a pine cone in a baggie
... a calendar with no December so they can just skip the whole month
... Charlie Brown trees.
Find a totally bare one & hang your ornament ideas from it: could add empty candy wrappers, little boxes with nothing in them, half eaten cookies, small grungy socks, etc.

Tacky Christmas gifts

These would be funny to put in a basket, for the 'humbug' or 'scrooge' on your gift list:
You taste like nothing else in the world.
And get ready - you are about to get tossed.
Losing lottery ticket
Full of hope & promise.
But in the end, a cheap letdown.
Self-help book
While your advice is not always welcome...
it's always right on target.
Cozy & warm, but easily lost
You make a good puppet
Over the top, colorful, & totally flashy.
You're not afraid to be a little tacky.
Ugly underwear
Comfortable & soft, more people like you than let on.
But it's very difficult for you to show yourself in public.


Take 1 - For hiding all the gifts
Take 2 - For wiping the smile of faces
Take 3 - For saying Bah Humbug
Take 4 - For spoiling any surprises
Take 5 - For dreaming of a green Christmas
Take 6 For not believing in Santa
NOTE: Take the whole pack if you find yourself singing Christmas Carols.

#2 -

Red - For hiding all the gifts
Blue - For wiping the smile off faces
Brown - For saying Bah Humbug
Yellow - For spoiling any surprises
Orange - For dreaming of a green Christmas
Green For not believing in Santa
NOTE: Take the whole pack if you find yourself humming Christmas Carols.

It's that time of year again
when they say those dreaded lines
"it's better to give than receive"
are they out of their minds?!
Why waste all that money
and share the yummy food
better to have a solo Christmas
that's sensible - not rude.
So bah humbug to them
these pills will show them all
you'll have a Merry Christmas
as long as they don't call!
© Sue Pitchfork

I covered your gift in newspaper
I know you don't like fancy wrap
I tied it up with knitting wool
Because ribbon sends you in a flap
I put a special CD on
It was Carols, but didn't play
So at least that brought a smile to you
I know you prefer the silence anyway
I was going to put some lights up
And a fairy on the tree
But it seemed to lose its sparkle
When you glared at it, you see
So I'm not celebrating Christmas
At least not this year with you
Cos I'll lock you in your bedroom
Till Christmas Day is through
© 2006 Yvonne Lowther

Bah humbug bugs
Feeling a little scrooge-y?
Christmas spirit running dry?
Looks like the Bah Humbug has you.
You wish it was July!
So wear this pin proudly
to exclaim just how you feel
Bah humbug to everyone
and Santa is not real!!
©Sue Pitchfork

#2 -

These little guys are so cute.
Sometimes you may be glad they're mute.
When Mr Scrooge comes out to play
You will know it's a "bah humbug day."
©Darlene Finster

#3 -

Christmastime is very near.
Remember all that we hold dear.
When things are getting you down
pick up a little "bah humbug" to
chase away the frown.
©Darlene Finster

Bald man's hairbrush

For the folically challenged: just a plain paddle (like a wooden snack spoon), no bristles.

Ball of life

(tennis ball, etc)
Suffering from stress: Fondle it constantly.
Need to relieve your anger: Throw it at someone.
Short of a massage: Roll it around the bottom of your feet.
Lack of communication in your life: Tell it your inner most secrets.
Short of a good friend: Paint a smiley face on it.
Needing some unconditional love: Throw it at a wall, it will always come back to you.
Want to be less selfish: Lend it to someone when your not using it.
Want to be aware of others, want to become more thoughtful: Look after your ball, try to understand how it feels to be kicked about, stood on and given away and abused.
Want to be less judgmental: Be happy with this gift, it's the thought that counts not the cost.


Be sure to wear comfortable shoes.
If they are too tight, you lose.
So if you should blister,
Here's a bandaid, (sister, mister).

Basket case

Table top basket ball game

#2 -

Get a nice, small basket & attach the following:
"Don't let your worries get the best of you: remember Moses started out as a basket case.
So, when stress, worries &/or problems are getting you down, just put them in this basket & give the basket to God."
I also have a basket paper punch.
I wonder if I punched them & attached them to a card or tag with the top edge unglued, could one write down your worries on small slips of paper, & slip them into the basket?
--- Jazbo 02.26.08

Bean Spoon

(User Instructions)
... Place spoon in pot while cooking any kind of beans.
... Spoon will aid in removing gas from beans. The little farts will climb up the ladder, handle & jump over the side.
For this colorful bean soup
Everyone's a-hootin'!
Stir it will this magic spoon,
To keep yerself from tootin'!

Put in a plastic bag with the following greetings:
"Bag of bear hugs"
"You're unbearably cute!"
"Join the cub!"
"I can't bear being without you!"

Bear jar

A jar of kisses & a small bear:

I'd give you a big hug
Everyday if I could,
Along with some kisses-
You know I would.
So I hope you like this recipe
That I bottled just for you.
Kisses when needed
& a big bear hug, too!

BELLY BUTTON BLOW DRYER (ordinary flexible drinking straw attached to a card that says:)
Take deep breath.
Place one end of dryer in mouth.
Bend over.
Place other end of dryer near belly button.
Repeat if necessary.
CAUTION * Do NOT inhale when dryer is near belly button.

You need: any color pipe cleaner, long bead, cardboard stock printing paper, small piece of wood (optional).

Cut pipe cleaner in 3" sections.
Take one end and push down into bead.
Roll remaining pipe cleaner into a circle.
(The bead & pipe cleaner now look like a small toilet brush.)


... for the person who has everything
... no batteries necessary
... environmentally safe
... no additives or preservatives

#1 - by Cindy W.

A belly button brush am I,
your naval lint I can't deny,
come on now, don't be so shy!
I have to ask the question why,
Why is your lint a mile high?
it reaches up into the sky!
Does it poke you in the eye?
Does it make you want to cry?
Now I see the reason why,
you try on pants before you buy,
it's cause your lint is "triple ply!"
(and lint like that you just can't buy!!!)
I need to clean & I will try
to keep your secret like a spy.
So come on, give me just one try
a belly button brush am I.

#2 -

Don't mean to be blunt,
but take a hint. . .
This little brush is
for belly button lint!

#3 -

If you have belly button lint,
Please keep it to a hush,
But do take this little hint. . .
A belly button brush!

#4 -

For those with everything
and even worth a mint. . .
Here's a belly button brush
for all that fuzzy lint!
Take a sparkly pipe cleaner, cut in half, glue a cotton ball on one end and a small bunch of flowers with bow on the other end.


This Teeny Tiny Gift,
Does a Teeny, Tiny Chore.
But When You've Finished Using It,
You'll Be Troubled Nevermore.
By The Balls of Lint That Gather,
In That Pesky Little Place;
A Birthmark That is Shared,
By All the Human Race.
So Use This Navel Lint Remover,
With Care and in Good Health.
And When You're Done,
You'll Surely Know,
You've Completely Cleaned Yourself!


- If your belly has lost it's luster,
Try our belly button duster!

Benefits of getting older

1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
8. Things you buy won't wear out.
9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
10. You eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
11. You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
16. You get into a heated argument about medicare.
17. You got cable TV for the weather channel.
18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Big baby kit

Large diaper
Huge safety pin
Giant pacifier
large baby bottle
Big girl panties
The largest pair of ladies' panties in a box, container: In case of emergency - because sometimes, you just have to put on your big girl panties & deal with it!

Bigger boobs dust

Alakazam, Alakazear
Make my flat chest disappear,
In it's place put a large bust
With the help of this Magic Dust.
Forget double D, forget double E;
Make them a whopping double G.

Bike Bells

Riding bells are made for your motorcycle, using a bell of your choice (miniature cowbells, bird toys, Christmas decorations etc). You thread bells to a leather cord adding some beads to match the bike colors, then tie to bike frame.
Add the following explanation:
Evil road spirits! They love to ride, but they can't stand bells.
Road spirits can't live in the presence of a bell, the constant ringing drives them insane, they lose their grip and fall to the road (have you ever wondered how potholes were formed?).
If you've picked up a bell on your own, the magic will work but if your bell was given to you, the power has been doubled, you know that somewhere you have a special friend helping to look after you.
When placing a bell on your bike, the closer to the ground the better. Usually the lower part of the frame is good. Don't give those little critters a chance to get on board.

When you're riding free as a bird
Evil road spirits can drive you absurd
You may laugh now but it really is true
They latch on to your bike and invade you.
But with a little magic, you can reign ...
A ringing bell will drive them insane!
Tie it low so they can't get aboard
Leaving them confounded and floored.
Any bell you happen to find will work
But one from a buddy has an extra perk
The powers from it are twice as strong
With your friend's spirit riding along.
Now you know the secret to riding in peace
So tie one on and your troubles will cease
But as each evil spirit falls and bites the dust
That's another darn pothole for you to cuss!
©~Shirley Thomas~

Bingo Bag

... cotton ball - to help cushion your losses
... lucky penny - so you will never go home totally broke
... rubber band - to stretch out a winning streak
... starburst - to keep up with the fast pace
... tootsie roll - to help the payoffs rolling in
... toothpick - to help pick out good cards

Bingo dust

Put some glitter in a small bag:
Do you believe in magic, miracles, and angels too?
If your answer is yes, then this bingo dust is just right for you.
The secret to winning isn't just luck... It takes some concentration,
Positive attitude and a touch of magic is the winning combination.
So get out your daubers, get out your chips too, untie the magic dust bow
Think like a winner, sprinkle a little bit of dust, and get ready to shout BINGO!

#1 -

Bingo Lucky Lady Bug


#2 -

Keep this bug inside your purse
It's bound to end your bad luck curse
You'll find the winning won't be so hard
If you place this bug upon your card


Use the following ideas for any amount (30th, 40th, 50th, etc)
50 suckers- 50 sucks
50 rocks (stones) - 50 "ROCKS"
50 kernels of corn - at 50 your more corny than horny!
50 pennies-
50 marbles - for when you lose yours
50 clothes pins - you're 50, Hang in there!
50 cheerios - say 'cherrio' to 49
50 tissues -
50 bobby pins - to pin back all that GRAY hair
50 safety pins -
50 tooth picks - to help you pick out your next 50 friends
50 Beans-
50 rubber bands-
50 paper clips-
50 pennies- Now you're 50 you'll need all the cents (sense) you can get.
50 tissues - Who said Big boys don't cry.
50 safety pins - ??
50 Beans- Old men need more fibre/
50 rubber bands- keeping those ancient bones flexible.
50 paper clips- helping hold it all together.
50 Chocolates/candys - To make your old age sweeter.
50 playing cards - if no longer have a full deck.
50 safety pins - to keep you safe
50 bandaids - old people are fragile
50 balloons -
50 candles - so you are never in the dark
50 smarties - so you never feel dumb
50 plastic spoons - to stir things up
50 crayons - to color your day
50 golf tees - cause you are T-riffic
50 peanuts - Getting older can make you nutty.
50 spools of thread:

A set of threads
Just for you
So you can sew
And mend things too
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Birthday Kit

How about a birthday kit:
Birthday card, birthday banner, candles, party hat, cassette tape with birthday greeting, balloons. Instructions to use your birthday kit -

1. Take all contents out of kit and inspect for any fraudulent or suggestive material, or any damaged or defected parts.
2. Read the enclosed printed material (card) for proper credit for this kit. Please send any comments or complaints you may have to the return address shown.
3. Post your "Happy Birthday" banner on an appropriate wall so you will enjoy this day of (age of person) years, always.
4. Blow up balloons that have been supplied to you and hang them next to your banner. Sorry, but the manufacturer could not supply the air, this is one item "not included".
5. No one can feel the party mood without the help of a party hat. Place your hat on your head and start to feel festive.
6. Next place the enclosed audio tape in a cassette player and sit back and listen to the message.
7. You will note we have enclosed the correct number of candles for your convenience, cake not included.
8. I apologize that I was not able to be there in person to help you celebrate but I'm here in spirit!
9. We hope you will take time and enjoy this new edition of our self help birthday kit. Much fun has been spent to see your birthday is a success.
10. This is satisfaction guaranteed. If you have any problems with the materials in this kit, please call us immediately at .....
Have a Happy Birthday.
~Author Unknown

Birthday Party in a Box

balloons, banner, cake mix, candles, card, confetti, disposable camera, frosting, helium-filled balloon, horn, party favor, party hat, sprinkles, treat bag

I made you a cake
and oh what a mess
it just wouldn't fit
in the envelope I guess.
I tried and I tried
again and again
I just couldn't get
your birthday cake in.
So here in this box

you'll find all you need to make your own cake
since I couldn't succeed.
~Author Unknown by me~

Blessings Kit

Bugles: Shaped like a cornucopia or Horn of Plenty, a symbol of our nation's abundance.
Pretzels: Arms folded in prayer, a freedom sought by those who founded our country.
Candy Corn: The sacrifices of the Pilgrims' first winter. Food was so scarce that settlers survived on just a few kernels of corn a day.
Nuts: Promise of a future harvest, one we will reap only if seeds are planted and tended with diligence.
Dried Fruits: Harvest gifts from our bountiful land.
M&M's: Memories of those who came before us to lead us into a blessed future.
Kiss: The love of family and friends that sweetens our lives.
Blessing Mix:
2 c Bugles brand corn snacks
2 c small twisted pretzels
1 c candy corn
1 c dried fruit or raisins
1 c peanuts or sunflower seeds
1 c M & M's
Chocolate kisses
In a large bowl, gently mix all ingredients except kisses. Place 1/3 to 1/2 cup mix in cellophane treat bags. Add one kiss to each.

Bless My Computer

Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head
God bless my mom and dad
and bless my children
and take care of my spouse
who brings me so much joy...
God, there's just one more thing
I wish that you would do
if you don't mind my asking
to bless my 'puter, too??
Now I know that it's not normal
to bless a small machine
but listen just a second
and I'll try to explain...
You see, that little metal box
holds more than odds and ends
Inside those small components
rest a hundred loving friends.
Some it's true I've never seen
and most I've never met...
never shaken hands or
ever truly hugged, and yet...
I know for sure they love me
by the kindnesses they give,
and this little scrap of metal
is how I get to where they live.
By faith is how I know them,
Much the same as I know You.
So if it's OK with you...
Just take an extra minute
from your duties up above...
to bless this little hunk of steel
that's filled with so much love.
So God, Please Bless My Puter...
~Author Unknown to me~

'Bless You' Button

On a decorated card, sew a button, with this poem:
This little button
That you can see,
Carries a blessing
To you from me.
I ask the Lord's blessing
Especially for you
Know His love is present
In everything you do.
---idea from Carmen

Blow dryer

Hillbilly Blow Dryer

Blow with all your might
hot air into this balloon.
Release the air on your hair
and it will dry real soon.

Blow Pop (X)

add this poem to a blow pop (lollipop with gum center)

Sometimes you totally
blow me out of sight,
and so I just thought
I'd reciprocate tonight!
-- © Shirley Thomas

Body Care box

it contains -
Boob Cream
Crack Cream
Tootsie Cream
Wrinkle Cream

#1 -

As we get older
things can sag and droop,
so here's a little body kit
to keep you in the loop.
Boob and crack cream
to lift, smooth and fill out,
and a little wrinkle cream
that should remove your pout.
And something for your tootsies
to help keep you on your toes,
and to keep them smelling nice
cause they're a little on the nose!
~ © Sue Pitchfork~

#2 -

Body Care Kit
A cream for this, a cream for that,
different creams for here and there.
Be careful not to mix them up or...
you'll have problems somewhere!
by 2004

Bone to pick

Make no bones about it, your 'bone' post gave me an idea for a gag gift: make some kind of bone (felt, fabric, PC, etc) & include a box of toothpicks. Bone to pick. hahahahahahaha It's sure to tickle your funny bone. hahahahaha Because it is 'bone'ifyingly funny to me.

Make some bones from cardstock, felt, fabric, foam, etc.
Put them in a bowl as a favor for your party guests with this saying: Have a bone to pick
- Then write these sayings on the bones:
bad to the bone
bone of contention
bone tired
bone to be wild
bonified crazy
chilled to the bone
feel it in my bones
get to the bare bones
I'd like to get to 'gnaw' you
make no bones about it
skin & bones
throw me a bone
worked my fingers to the bone
- Scatter them around for decorations. Or make from paper & put in a card.
---jazbo 04.08.09

#1 -

Booby Cream (X)
All purpose: Helps reduce, enlarge, firm up
Directions: Applying with right hand will increase breast size
Applying with left hand will decrease breast size
Caution: Excessive enlargement will cause you to visit a Chiropractor
Or cause fat, bald, 60-year old men to gravitate to your door
Added Caution: Excessive reduction will cause you to use a magnifying glass to find your breasts.
Or will cause tall, dark handsome men to run from your door.
---by Rita

# 2 -

Boob cream
Discreet in it own brown paper wrapper
Feel sensuous & voluptuous & titillating
Light the fire of desire
Apply counterclockwise for 'perky'
Apply clockwise for 'hubba-hubba'
Must apply daily for desired results
Discontinued used will result in extreme sagging.
---Eileen & JenSue

#3 -

Apply this cream with right hand to increase & with left hand to decrease breast size.
Excessive right may lead to chiropractor & left can cause disappearance right before your eyes!
---Shirley Thomas

#1 -

Booby Trap (X)
Stuff a wad of stuffing into a portion of a nylon.
Tie off.
Divide in half & tie with tread to make little knobs; paint.
Glue on a mouse trap.

#2 -

This is made using soft sculpture techniques with a nylon stocking.
Stuff a big wad of stuffing into a portion of the stocking and tie off.
Divide this in half and tie off with thread.
This will give you the two "boobies".
Tie off a little "knob" on the tips of each with thread.
Paint "knobs" red.

You may think it cute but beware...
Don't try to use this boobie trap,
Because all you're going to snare
Is a lot of grief and quite a slap!
--- © Shirley Thomas

Bottle of whine

empty half-pint water bottle with a label.
"Be Quiet" Winery
Organic "whine"

#1 -

We all need a whine
it's good for the soul
but friends don't want to hear
and their eyes will roll.
So when you need to whine
just seal it up in here
that way you can nurse it
till it starts to disappear.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#2 -

When you feel like whining
Or having a small moan
Just open this and whine in here
Then you can take it home
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

#3 -

Sometimes you want to pull your hair out
When things aren't going right
You feel you want to scream and shout
But don't want to look a sight
So next time you feel like whining
But don't want to sound like a yob
Just write it down, pop it in here
And get on with the job
©2005 Yvonne Lowther

#4 -

A little bottle just for you
To put your moans and whines into
Just write them down and slip them in
To help bring back your sunny grin
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

Bowling tranquilizers

Take the blue to make you feel all calm
Before you start to bowl;
Take the yellow to help the screaming fit
You get when your ball hits the goal.
The green will charm the scoring chart
To make it fair & right
The orange will spin your head around
When you make it - your first strike!
The brown will give your wrist some strength
To continue with the game
And the red will give you power
To start bowling all over again.
--- © 2005 Yvonne Lowther


Affirmation soaps - see the instructions & use bowl-appropriate quotes, etc.
some cosmetic items in a bowl or hair care items
Put some angel dust in a small bowl
Put some loose screws in a small bowl
CD with relaxing music, a scented candle, comfy slippers, chocolate, rice pack for the eyes
Fill a small bowl with Hershey Hugs
a teddy bear sitting in a bowl with its arms wrapped around some Hershey hugs and kisses
Honey dust (X)
bubble bath, lotion, perfume or body spray
a teddy bear sitting in a bowl with its arms wrapped around some Hershey hugs and kisses

#1 -

Fill a small bowl with Hershey Kisses

When you dig into this lovely treat
I know you'll have a ball
That's why I'm filling it with kisses
Just 'cause you're so lova-bowl!
Doreen Scerri © 2005

some gag type items for the person who is always grumpy
Daily planner, coupons for groceries, gas card
OR potpourri, aromatherapy candle, incense
some gag type items for the person who is always grumpy
Deck of cards, good luck charm
Box of crayons

We all would learn a lot from crayons.
Some are sharp, some are pretty & some are dull.
Some have weird names & all are different colors
but they all have to live in the same box.
---unknown author

Boyfriend in a box

It had a picture of some hot guy and a few love letters and a little bio of "him" to share with your family and friends. Sometimes you just don't want to say, "I don't have a boyfriend" and this gives you the out! It was cute and really funny!

Break Up

1 shot glass
1 voodoo doll
5 voodoo pins
1 self-esteem book
1 tissue pack
1 bottle of happy pills
1 small bottle of blowing bubbles (to blow your troubles away)
Bubble, bubble, toil & trouble candy idea
Bubble, bubble, toil & trouble;
What's a witch to do?
Gather up some goodies & fix them just for you!
--jazbo 20.08.10

Trick or treat,
Smell my feet;
Have I got a treat or 2!
It's good to eat,
and oh! so sweet;
Now the trick's on you!
- jazbo 20.08.10

Spider legs - stick pretzels
Frogs - gummy frogs
Witch's teeth - candy corn
Bat poop - chocolate chips, black jelly beans, etc.
Pumpkin snot - any orange candy
Cat's claws - cashews
Bubble wrap firecrackers
cutting the bubble wrap in medium size squares and putting them in some type of baggie, with the poem. the bubble wrap and twisted it, and boy! did it sound like firecrackers!

OR -

We had long sheets of the large bubble wrap & spread them out on the drive-way, where the grands hopped up & down on them. - jazbo

#1 -

Place a bubble between your fingers
Squeeze and then listen to the pop
It sounds just like a firecracker
And you won't want to stop

Bubble wrap therapy

- Bubble Wrap
When you are stressed & full of troubles,
Just grab a piece & smash some bubbles,
Watch problems go with a loud, "pop! Pop!"
Soon your spirits will be back on top.
This is very therapeutic, & in a while,
You'll find yourself beginning to smile.
Stress relieving bubbles
Pop one sheet of stress relieving capsules every 4-6 hours or as needed.
Warning - May become addictive. In case of overdose please seek professional counseling.

When you are stressed and full of troubles
just grab a sheet and smash some bubbles!
Watch problems go with a loud "pop pop"
soon your spirits will be back on top.
This is therapeutic and once in a while
you'll find yourself begin to smile!
--- © by Les
Tie a few squares of bubble wrap with ribbon, add a sprig of dried flowers tucked in the bow and the verse above.


2 Small blocks of wood, labeled Block "A" and Block "B", with instructions that read:
Place bug on Block "A" and smash with Block "B".

Bull Scoop

For those who are
full of bull and
like to spread it about,
Give them this spoon
to scoop up what they
dish out

This souper douper
pouper scouper is the
perfect gift for those
who have everything!

Bunny noses

Put a topper on a baggie full of some sort of round
pink candies, red candies or even orange candies......
Bunny noses are always twitching....
Does this mean that they are itching?
While out in the woods, look at what I found.....
These Bunny Noses were laying all around.....
I didn't have much to do, So I gathered up a few......
They're nice and sweet, and fun to eat..
I hope you enjoy this Easter treat.. © cmax

Bunny tails

Mini marshmallows, pompoms; tictacs; :
The Easter Bunny lost his tail,
While running through the garden
I went and gathered a few tails up
before they began to harden....
Soft and white, cute and sweet.....
These Bunny Tails are a great treat.
© cmax

#2 -

The Easter Bunny's tail is sweet
It really makes a dandy treat.......
So I gathered some that I found.....
Laying there on the ground.....
I put them in this bag for you.....
Hope you enjoy them, and share em' too......cmax

#3 -

Peter Cottontails are special magic
bunnies, who shed their tails and
disappear into puffs of smoke
when Easter is over, only to
reappear the next Easter.
Those who find these will have
great luck and happiness
in the following year.
Close your eyes and make a wish,
before eating a Peter Cottontail.
Good things are waiting for you.
Author Unknown

#4 -

There went Mrs. Cottontail
Hopping down the bunny trail
Chasing Peter all the way

Cause Peter was a careless bunny
He lost his tail while gathering honey
Now he'll look funny for Easter Day
katieangelamber © 2005

#5 -

The Easter Bunny's busy
he got in quite a state
rushing here and there
hoping he wasn't late.
He delivered all the eggs
then went home to sleep
along the way he lost his tail
so now it's yours to keep.
© Sue Pitchfork 2005~

#6 -

It was a really busy time
The Easter Eggs might just be late
So the Easter Bunny thought
He'd jump over the next closed gate
But he didn't hop quite high enough
And his little tail was just too low
But he hadn't time to pick it up
So he left it there, you know
Well I was the one to find it
And so I picked it up with care
I popped it in this little bag
With some others for you to share
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

#7 -

Most people love the Egg hunt
Looking under bushes, chair and bed
I thought it would be different
To hide a bunny tail instead
But then I sat and pondered
Thinking people might get in a tizz
So I popped it in this little bag
Can you tell which one it is?
© 2005 Yvonne Lowther

#8 -

Easter bunny tails comejust once a year,
theyre a lot like candy, so you need not fear!
These holiday treats are yummy, soft and white,
in cute little packages, theyre sure to delight!
© Crafty Me2 2007

#9 -

They said a rabbit's foot is lucky
but rabbits just may disagree
as it's not so lucky
losing a foot you see!
But rabbit's tails are different
filled with marshmallow fluff
so try a bite or two
of this Hoppy Easter stuff!
© Sue Pitchfork

#10 -

This Easter I collected them
the tails that bunnies drop
a tasty delicious treat
to make your taste buds hop!
© Sue Pitchfork

Burn permit
--my idea

Date: (of party)
Issued to: (name of birthday person)

Recreational open burn permit
All permits are valid (specified time) from date of issuance. Subsequent burning without a permit is a violation of the law. Burning between hours ____ to ____ only.
What you can burn:
...candles shall not create a nuisance
...valid only if burning (specified number) of cnadles or less
...for ceremonial purposes only - not for cooking, warming or roasting marshmallows

What you cannot burn: combustible material withing 5 feet of birthday cake
...burning prohibited materials can cause harmful smoke or explosions
...vegetative materials shall not be used

Precautions when burning
...consider prevailing winds; make sure they are away from burn area
...check room temperature & humidity
...small fires can escalate into a large one if too many candles are placed close together on a small cake...excessive smoke from numerous candles can impact air quality
...cake is at leas 5' from any occupied structure
...burn area can be no more than 3' in diameter by 3' high.

Equipment to have on hand
...reliable water source
...good sturdy shovel
...some heavy gloves
Maybe include the number of fire department.
Attach a gold seal sticker or something similar.
Other things might be:

...bucket to put the gifts in
...bottle of water - to put the fire out
...tape measure or yard stick to measure the burn area, etc.
...birthday candles
...card with emergency numbers on it

#2 -

Since so many candles will be on your cake,
A permit to burn them is needed for your sake.
Precautions & instructions are included too,
Aliong with a big - Happy Birthday to you!


...apron - for when you are wrapped up in your work
...cleaver - because you are so cleaver - many tanks for a job well done
...Hershey hugs - have you hugged your butcher today?
...knife - any way you slice it, you are such a cut up
...paper (for wrapping up meat) - get wrapped up in a good time
...scissors - because you are such a cut-up
...string - to help you tie things together when everything falls apart
---jazbo 26.03.12

Butt & face soap

... 2 bars of soap - one white, the other brown
... or two-tone melt & pour soap

#1 -

Looking in the mirror
it's hard to decide
what end is your face
and what is your backside
So to make it easier
to know just where to clean
these soaps are labeled
for your bathroom routine!
© Sue Pitchfork.

#2 -

Although it's often said
crap rolls of your tongue
you should use a different soap
for your face and bum.
© Sue Pitchfork.

#3 -

Bottoms up heads or tails
which end will you scrub?
this should help you decide
soaps labeled with love.
©Sue Pitchfork.

Buttoned down

Just glue a magnet onto the back of a large, flat button.
OR glue the button to a large thumbtack

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