Some may be rated X; sorry. I just collect them. (((hugs)))
Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems.

Redneck Quick Gifts with poems, quotes and sayings

redneck stuff

All Natural Bubble bath - I use a small baggie and insert dried beans with the instructions to prepare and eat the beans an hour before bathing

Baby boomer kit
...matches that have been burnt
...piece of garden hose
---jazbo 10.08

Our baby days are over
the pilot light is out
what used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
---Rochelle's husband

Back scratcher
...toilet brush
...corn cob on a stick
Just screw a bottle cap to a wooden paint stirrer

#1 -
This is for your back
scratch up, down & underneath
then turn it around
and you can pick your teeth!
~Sue Pitchfork~

#2 -
When you need to scratch an itch
Grab yourself a handy switch
Shove on a old corn cob
And hopefully that will do the job
katieangelamber © 2004

#3 -
When yer muscles start twitchin'
'Cause yer back needs itching
Use this switch
To git that itch!
© 2004 Jennifer Byerly

Bald man's hairbrush
For the folically challenged: just a plain paddle (like a wooden snack spoon), no bristles.

(roll of duct tape)
Doctors are for sissies,
I'm sure you'll agree,
so next time you split something open,
here's the perfect remedy!
Simply open this roll,
please don't be afraid.
rip off a generous strip
of this easy-to-apply redneck bandaid.
--Lisa Bursell

Bean Spoon
(User Instructions)
... Place spoon in pot while cooking any kind of beans.
... Spoon will aid in removing gas from beans. The little farts will climb up the ladder, handle & jump over the side.
For this colorful bean soup
Everyone's a-hootin'!
Stir it will this magic spoon,
To keep yerself from tootin'!

BELLY BUTTON BLOW DRYER (ordinary flexible drinking straw attached to a card that says:)
Take deep breath. Place one end of dryer in mouth. Bend over. Place other end of dryer near belly button. Blow. Repeat if necessary.

CAUTION * Do NOT inhale when dryer is near belly button.

You need: any color pipe cleaner, long bead, cardboard stock printing paper, small piece of wood (optional).

Cut pipe cleaner in 3" sections. Take one end and push down into bead. Roll remaining pipe cleaner into a circle. (The bead & pipe cleaner now look like a small toilet brush.)

... for the person who has everything
... no batteries necessary
... environmentally safe
... no additives or preservatives

#1 - by Cindy W.
A belly button brush am I,
your naval lint I can't deny,
come on now, don't be so shy!
I have to ask the question why,
Why is your lint a mile high?
it reaches up into the sky!
Does it poke you in the eye?
Does it make you want to cry?
Now I see the reason why,
you try on pants before you buy,
it's cause your lint is "triple ply!"
(and lint like that you just can't buy!!!)
I need to clean & I will try
to keep your secret like a spy.
So come on, give me just one try
a belly button brush am I.

#2 -
Don't mean to be blunt,
but take a hint. . .
This little brush is
for belly button lint!

#3 -
If you have belly button lint,
Please keep it to a hush,
But do take this little hint. . .
A belly button brush!

#4 -
For those with everything
and even worth a mint. . .
Here's a belly button brush
for all that fuzzy lint!
Take a sparkly pipe cleaner, cut in half, glue a cotton ball on one end and a small bunch of flowers with bow on the other end.

This Teeny Tiny Gift,
Does a Teeny, Tiny Chore.
But When You've Finished Using It,
You'll Be Troubled Nevermore.
By The Balls of Lint That Gather,
In That Pesky Little Place;
A Birthmark That is Shared,
By All the Human Race.
So Use This Navel Lint Remover,
With Care and in Good Health.
And When You're Done,
You'll Surely Know,
You've Completely Cleaned Yourself!

#2 - If your belly has lost it's luster,
Try our belly button duster!

Drill a hole in the bottom of 2 beer cans. Glue (or duct tape) the cans together. Can add a colorful ribbon so it can be work around the neck.

Birthday cake
A redneck birthday cake is an empty beer can with farmer matches about 3/4" apart fastened vertically around the top edge with colored duct tape. I used the plain red tape, cut lengthwise to 1/2 of its width so there wasn't so much tape on the can, and wrote with a permanent pen or paint marker "Redneck Birthday Cake" on the tape. The matches were $1 at dollar tree for a big box, the assorted brands of cans were from my niece and her friends, so they were free, and a roll of tape goes a long, long way, especially when you cut it in half. I sold them for $1. - SueZQ

Bloated Beaver Bites (S'mores Candy)
These harvested succulent beaver bites are plump and sweet. We gather only the most scrumptious discarded droplets from the forest floor.

Blow dryer
Hillbilly Blow Dryer

Blow with all your might
hot air into this balloon.
Release the air on your hair
and it will dry real soon.

brief case"
a pair of men's briefs and sewed the legs shut. attached elastic handles to the waist band with buttons.

Bull s**t bag: HAZARDOUS WASTE!
Keeps B.S. from spreading
1. Place mouth over open bag.
2. Begin "talking." The B.S. will naturally flow.
3. When full, shut bag and dispose. Makes great fertilizer. Spread around political rallies, hunting and fishing camps, and lawyers offices.
1. Wear high top boots when using.
2. Use shovel in case of overflow. If backhoe needed, say your prayers.

Note: Overuse may enhance the ability of natural bulls**tters.

Keep away from children. This product stimulates the flow of B.S. Be careful when giving it to someone already full of it - especially politicians, fishermen, hunters, in-laws, and lawyers!

cartridge in a bare tree

In a glass decorative jar with height, put in a twig. Tied to the twig is an empty shot gun cartridge. Around the base put angel hair, just to jazz it up.

#2 -
...Get a spent, red shot gun shell casing & paint a simple santa face on it.
...Put it in a baggie with a bare branch or twig.
...Make a topper or tag: Cartridge in a bare tree
---jazbo 11.07

...a pencil (you could call it your back-up 'puter)
...sleek modern styling
...hardwood case
...smooth wood finish
...unlimited memory
...manual correction device
...built-in printer
...compact, fits about anywhere electrical outlets necessary
...high-fashion colors

Corn cobs/toilet paper
... tied homespun around a couple of cobs and used a simple tag that I just wrote "Emergency Toilet Paper" on it. Or ‘in case of emergency
... great gift for those into emergency preparedness

#1 -
CORN COB WIPES (With new non-scratch surface!)
Take care of business
Whenever you need
And visit the outhouse
Deliver your deed
Clean up is easy
With scrubable wipes
Just hold in your hand
And give it a swipe
But when you are done
If you're in a rut
You probably pushed
It right up your b*tt!
(Jennifer Byerly)

#2 -
It really is revoltin',
When you're sitting on the pot;
There's nothing to clean up with,
Your hand is all you've got.

No paper in the outhouse -
Whatever will you do?
Here - use this handy corn cob;
It'll do the job for you.
---jazbo 0906

#3 -
There ain't no toilet paper
There ain't no newsprint too
Your ready to wipe your a**
What'cha you gonna do?

Take this handy corn cob
And give your a** a scrubin'
But do it nice and gentle
Don't wear it down to nothin'

#4 -
Spiders under the seat,
Hornets in the corner.
Get out of the outhouse quick
Or you're gonna be a goner.

Where's the danged TP?
Where's the catalog?
Guess these corn cobs'll do -
they're borrowed from the hog.
---jazbo 0906

Duct tape:
--use it to tape your mailbox to the post
--moving day: tape boxes securely to your car

ear plugs
two tampons out of the applicators and put in a baggie!

Put 2 pine air fresheners on wire hooks:

#1 -
Honey, jewelry & perfume
Are every girl's desire,
And you gotta know, babe,
You set my world on fire.
So I combined the gifts -
Two for the price of one!
You look & smell so nice;
Let's go have some fun.
©Sue Pitchfork 2005

"electric" toilet plunger.
It was just a normal toilet plunger with a hole drilled in the top and an electric cord w/plug glued into the hole.

Make a bra into a purse:
Ma toll me "don't waste nuthin'"
So I took my ol brazierre
And made it somthin' speshul
And kinda fun, ya hear?
I put them seams together
And fixed it up right swell
Now don't you think it's purdy?
It shore did come out well!
(by: Jennifer Byerly)

Fanny Floss = crochet thread or heavy cotton cording, label reads for those hard to reach areas.

Fire alarm
Jiffy pop hung on the wall

Hang on wall
then take down.
Shake vigorously
until the popping stops!
If something starts burning, you want the #1 "Warning System" to be found ~
There is no doubt that this Redneck Fire Alarm is the best system around!
Crafty Me2 2008

Flashlight - a block of wood with one wooden kitchen match in the end of it. OR A small board about the size of a half of a wooden paint stirrer. Glued to the top is a hinged clothes pin holding a wooden match

Granny was tending the still
And taste testing as she always will
And a little too much and she was feeling dandy
Forgetting that she had to make fudgy candy
So into the still went that chocolate so sweet
Instead of the batter for a tasty treat
Suddenly the still made a great boom
And there was chocolate all over the room
To clean up the mess it took all day
So there is no more fudge I'm sorry to say
Instead this bar will have to do
And maybe next year there'll be something new
©ME Ryan 2003

Genuine Giant Porcupine Pellets (Almond Toffee)
These porcupine pellets are a sure sign the giant spindly creatures are alive and roaming the woods.

Gift baskets
Invest in some Jeff Foxworthy CDs. He's really quite funny. He has a calendar too...
Maybe stencil a shirt that says "You know you're a redneck if your fine china consists of recycled Miracle Whip containers" or something to that extent.
i don't know if he is into this or if this idea would be something you would consider, but how about making a "redneck wind chime". i made one by finding a stick to suit your project size, took some cans and painted (i put BEANS on them) them after kinda denting them up a little bit, and strung maybe his favorite beer in a bottle (if he drinks), or any old bottles you can find, to the stick. I also bought some of those old can opener things (the ones that leave a triangle shape when u use them on a juice can) that were a lil rusted and strung them also. I painted "REDNECK WINDCHIME" on the stick. My friend loved it and put it on his porch.

#2 -
The actual box was an 18-can camouflage cooler from Bass Pro.
An article from Bass Pro about training a gun dog(my boyfriend wants to get a lab)
A "Redneck" Cookbook with the Top Ten Recipes from Paula Deen's website(printed and stapled together a la redneck style)
A copy of Bill Engvall's Here's Your Sign
Boat Letters so he can finally name his boat
A Shrek fishing rod Bobber.(we are called Shrek and Fiona by family)
A pack of deodorizing gum
Camouflage ductape
Vanilla truck fresheners
Camouflage license plate frame
Gummy Worms
Sour Gummy Worms
Swedish Fish (you know, worms and fish for fishing
Beef Jerky
Jumbo Honey Bun
King of the Hill Boxers that talk about beer
Cars movie utensil set to take on his hunting trips

Redneck picnic basket
For a recent family reunion, I decided to make a Redneck Gourmet Picnic basket for my contribution to the "White Elephant Sale." I had a basket and made a note card indicating it is a Redneck Gourmet Basket and attached it to the handle with a zip tie. In the basket, I shredded newspaper for the confetti and then put items like Tobasco sauce, pickled pigs feet, pork rinds, vienna sausages, sardines, slim jim, and canned cheese. I also included a few things I had purchased from Tastes of Idaho such as Huckleberry Toe Jam, Roadkill steak sauce and a F**tless Slop Cake mix. I also included an old blue work handkerchief for use as a napkin and I folded a sheet of newspaper for the necessary later use. I wrapped it up and sealed it up with duct tape.

Hair Dryer
(large balloon)
1. Inflate
2. Slowly release near hair

Hillbilly Blow Dryer

Blow with all your might
hot air into this balloon.
Release the air on your hair
and it will dry real soon.

hemorrhoid remover
A sweet gum ball glued to a stick.

horseshoes - game
Objective: Just like regular horseshoes but with a hilarious, bathroom related twist.
Outdoors, Couples
Game type:
Active. A lot of movement may be required.
4 or more players
Needed: Two toilet plunger, metal conduit (for the posts), four toilet seats Rules: The rules are the same as regular horseshoes. Instead of metal post, set two pieces of metal conduit into the with about 1.5 or 2 feet above the ground. Place the rubber part of two toilet plungers on each end of the conduit. Then comes the fun part, hand each team two open ended toilet seats to use as horseshoes. Proceed to play horseshoes as you normally would. You can come up with your own method of scoring.

Hotter than a grizzly's breath on the back of your neck.

Hurricane Survival
Toilet Paper........................................check
Bud Light...........................................check
Keystone Ice........................................check
Red Dog.............................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check
Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check
roll of duct tape..........................................................check

Ice scraper
credit cards (you know, the million you receive in the mail, trying to suck you in.)
Put one in a baggie, with a topper that says:

#1 -
Now don't get excited...
It's not what you think...
its a hillbilly ice scraper,
Doesn't that just stink?
© Darlene Finster 2006

Jerky gift
Billy Ray & Bobby Joe,
Bubba cakes & me,
Skinned us this here possum
Hidin' in a tree.
Billy Ray told Bobby Joe
That we should make a deal;
That's why I'm sending you this gift,
Instead of our road kill!
© Jennifer Byerly 2004

Redneck Microwave
Need some heat on your food,
use this microwave to make it good,
One minute will do if you would
Don't sit it to much,
Will not be able to touch.

Need some heat on your food
Use this microwave to get it hot
Or you could use a big old pot.

If you need hot food,
this microwave is good.
Let the sun pass through,
that's all you do.
If the sun is hot,
a minute will do.
If the sun is not...
it might take a few.
© Darlene Finster2011

Palm Pilot
(Hillbilly, Ozark, Redneck) Palm Pilot Trace a hand onto paper. Cut out the shape & punch a hole at the wrist end. Tie on about a 12" piece of yarn. At the other end, tie on a short pencil. You can write something funny on the hand: "get beer"; etc. Things to write on palm pilot:

a small dried corn cob with a hole drilled in the center bottom. Then inside the hole was a ball point pen refill.

Picnic basket
Aredneck picnic basket can be a fun item to enter in a bake sale, to take to a family reunion or any other potluck gathering. Place shredded newspaper in the bottom of an old basket. Add items such as hot sauce, pickled pigs feet, a can of squirt cheese, a bag of pork rinds, cans of Vienna sausages, sardines, beef jerkey. Be sure to include an old shot or cleaning towel & a newspaper; these can be used for the napkin & tablecloth. Add an index card with "Gourmet Redneck Picnic Basket" & attach with a twist tie.

Glue a small pig on the lid of a baby food jar and inside the jar add some dried beans. Or just put a toy pig in the jar with the beans.

... peanut shells
... beer tabs
... beer caps
... toothpicks
... spent shells
... dryer lint for belly button lint
... dried field corn for color
... corncob for toilet paper
... cedar chips from whittlin
... buy some fake nails, use scissors to cut to desired length.
... sawdust
... stripped pinecones
... a crumpled page from Sears & Roebuck
... A lump of coal
... Twine used as a belt.

preparedness kit
toilet paper
duct tape
---jazbo 10.08

Reindeer meat
~Reindeer Delight~
Spread on bread and eat as conscience allows.
Santa's watching you.
by© ~Charlene Dickerson~ 2001

~No Eating Santa's Reindeer~
Santa's not happy with you this year.
He misses his favorite reindeer.
His heart is sad and His eyes are blue,
He can't believe the things you do.
He understands you need to eat,
but his reindeer are not a treat.
by ©~Charlene Dickerson~ 2001

Or fashion some antlers out of something and place them in a bag...maybe even a little fur, fake eyes..etc.

~Reindeer Parts~
Inside this bag I placed so dear,
what was left of Santa's reindeer.
Someone was caught being bad,
they ate the best reindeer Santa had.
by ©~Charlene Dickerson~ 2001

Invest in some Jeff Foxworthy CDs. He's really quite funny. He has a calendar too...
Maybe stencil a shirt that says "You know you're a redneck if your fine china consists of recycled Miracle Whip containers" or something to that extent. i don't know if he is into this or if this idea would be something you would consider, but how about making a "redneck wind chime". i made one by finding a stick to suit your project size, took some cans and painted (i put BEANS on them) them after kinda denting them up a little bit, and strung maybe his favorite beer in a bottle (if he drinks), or any old bottles you can find, to the stick. I also bought some of those old can opener things (the ones that leave a triangle shape when u use them on a juice can) that were a lil rusted and strung them also. I painted "REDNECK WINDCHIME" on the stick. My friend loved it and put it on his porch.

#2 -
retirement fund
It was a piece of cardboard, rough cut, you know, it was actually cut from a piece of cardboard box, with the words "Will work for food" and there was a small square of fleece rolled up and tied with twine for a bedroll. It was all in a zip lock bag with a generic topper.

Roadkill Bites (buttery, nutty candy).
Peeled right off the tire! Fried from the heat of the tail pipe.

roll in the hay"
pieces of straw and put in cellophane bags with a tootsie roll and a tag

I know you like excitement
so this will make your day.
This gift is all you could ask for
Here it is.....A roll in the hay!

It is a pair of men's white briefs which I soaked in tea to make them look dingy and put a few small holes and tore the band loose in a couple of spots then made "skid" marks in the back and a few yellow spots in front the sewed the legs closed. The poem (which I do not have one) or directions on the topper explains that you put your valuables in the safe (briefs) and wad it up and throw it on the floor of the closet. Then you say, "Who in there right mind is going to pick those up, let alone look in them". Therefore your valuables are safe. Use at home or when travelling.

stool sample
a tiny wooden stool in a prescription bottle

#1 -
Your doc needs a sample
And you feel like a fool
Just hand him this bag
Filled with a Hillbilly's Stool.
katieangelamber © 2004

#2 -
This is for my dumb doctor
He wanted to look up my butt
Said he needed a stool sample
I called him a "you know what"!
©2004Joy Prance

#3 -
Though I don't understand it
And I'm feelin' like a fool,
I'm givin' doc what he asked for:
A sample of my stool!
©2004 Kelli Williams

survival kit
"Buckshot" Jalapeno Flavored Popped Wheat.
More kick than a 10 gauge, and hot enough to start the ole ladies engine.

Redneck Hunters Popcorn (camo colored, root beer float flavored popcorn)
The only pop bigger than double ought shot. Crunch loud enough to bring in the big buck.

Genuine Redneck Dehydrated Water (empty bag with directions for use)
Directions: 1) Open bag, 2) Fill bag with only Genuine Water, 3) Stir contents well, 4) Drink, 5)
For additional servings, repeat steps 1 thru 4.
Cord of Wood (wood on a cord).
Remember the heavy steel wedge and the big hammer to smack it. How one was split you still had to stack it. No more, Praise the Lord, because all the pieces are small. It's still a full cord and takes up no room at all.

Redneck Flashlight (wood with a match attached, also comes with an extra bulb). When it gets dark and you're losing your sight. You can see where you're going with this Redneck Flashlight. It's got a bulb on one end right were it should be. And if it burns out, changing it is easy. Just pull out the old bulb and throw it away. Then push in a new one until you're sure it will stay.

Shot Gun Shell Refillable Butane Lighter(real working lighter)(no longer available)

Bulls**t Bag.
Hazardous Waste! Keeps BS From Spreading.
Directions: 1) Place mouth over open bag. 2) Begin "talking." The BS will naturally flow. 3) When full, shut bag and dispose. Makes great fertilizer. Spread around political rallies, hunting and fishing camps, and lawyers offices.

2 popsicle sticks
1 medium rubber band
1 wooden spring-type clothes pin school glue

1: Glue clothes pin pinching 1 end of 1 popsicle stick
2: Attach the 2nd stick to the opposite end of 1st, using the rubber band. The rubber band should be in the middle of the entire piece, holding the 2 sticks fairly tight.
3: Twist the far end of the 2nd stick clockwise, so you can clasp it with the clothes pin.
Now, if you pinch the clothes pin open, the 2nd stick will fly open, just like a switchblade!

=two tin cans with string attached to both.

Things to do with plastic tobacco chew cans:
...sewing kit - cut round pieces of felt to fit inside the cans; add needles, straight & safety pins, some thread; buttons; glue fancy trims on sides; add a yoyo to the top
...first aid kit - bandaids, etc. kit - small lures, lead weights, quick changes, hooks, line, etc.
...Decorate it up & say it is a gum parker - a place to park your chewing gum
...Decorate them & make earrings from them - hillbilly hoops
...Add a long handle & it can become a redneck evening bag

Toe floss
(looks like 2 barrel beads in a baggie)
For best results, floss gently just before bedtime, & first thing in the morning.

Toe jam spreader
(half of a swab stick in a baggie)

toilet paper
cut up newspaper strips the size of toilet paper
...several corn cobs, tied together with a piece of homespun

Toilet seat trainer
How to train your men to put the toilet seat down: tape it down with duct tape.

toothpick or earwax remover - find a nail or screw or old house key & put in can

... railroad spike painted tan and the words written on it with a black marker.

It is a little long but real cute. You take a pair of men's briefs and directly below the elastic sew a row of frilly lace. On the front of the briefs is a zipper(approximately 4-6inches in length) this is sewn on top of the opening in the front of the briefs).Beside the zipper is the word EXIT( this is printed to run up and down beside the zipper. Next there are 2 pockets, one to the left of the zipper and one to the right of the exit sign. On the back of the briefs are 2 more pockets one on either cheek, hang from the center of the brief(on a ribbon) is a cork. In the front pockets- one has a whistle and in the other is a band-aid. In the back pockets, one holds a piece of toilet tissue and the other has a small cob of corn(with the corn removed).The following instructions were included with the briefs.
Instruction For Town & Country Seat Covers.
We are proud of these seat covers and with normal use they should give you years of pleasurable service. Today as in the past, we consider the safety features of seat covers of prime importance.
We urge our users to acquaint themselves with various features found in no other seat covers.

1. The word "EXIT" is printed on the locality of most wear and tear. This, of course, eliminates your wasting precious moments in hunting around. It is especially appreciated when golfing and at ball games.

2. The attractive zipper is our newest creation. This too is a time saver and enables the user to have one hand free at all times.

3. You will note that just to the right of the zipper is the emergency kit if the zipper should catch. You need not embarrass your hostess for first aid. You already have it.

4. The rear pockets 'TOWN AND COUNTRY" are feature attractions used for years with continued success. For town we include the highest grade of tissue. For country we use the light weight corn cob.

5. The stopper (cork) should be used only in case you get something turned on that you can not turn off. After using the stopper. blow the whistle, explain to someone in the house that they should always rush to your side when the whistle is heard.
CAUTION- Always cleanse stopper after using, in case you panic and "BLOW THE STOPPER INSTEAD OF THE WHISTLE".

Trick or Treat (good for Halloween)
In a baggie put 2 eyeballs or wiggly eyes
and about 4 or so saltines and this poem

#1 -
Because I know how much you like it
I made some hoghead cheese
It looked so fine I had to taste it
Then bam! I looked and sheesh!
It was gone except eyeballs and saltines
They're here just for you
I'm glad I made you this special treat
It's the least I could do.
©2004 lou buffkin

washer & dryer - large metal washer & a balloon or tiny clothes pin
washing machine - a medium sized rock with the words written on it in Marker.
Weather rock (see also Missouri Mule Barometer)

You are the proud owner of a weather rock. Treat it well, & it will reward you with years of accurate prognostications.
Hang it outside on a nail. Check it each day.
If it is wet, it is raining.
If it is stiff, it is freezing.
If it is warm, it is hot.
If it is dry, it is fair.
If it is wet & swinging, it is stormy.
If it is white, it is snowing.
If you can't see it, it is foggy.
If it is moving, it is windy.
If it's gone, you've been ripped off.
If all else fails, remember this Ozark wisdom: it will either rain or it won't.
weather station and wind chimes are made with beer cans...

Weiner roaster
...leaf or lawn rake with a hot dog on each tine

"If you frequently pollute the air
Have some faith and don't despair
Our f**tless wipe may help you out
But if it fails don't you pout
So every time you hear that sound
Be sure to have some wipe around
Some like it soft, some like it rough
We just hope that there is enough"
Sincerely, The Old F**t

Zippidy-do-Da Redneck Mustard.
Zips up fresh roadkill. conditions your whiskers for after meal smoochin! This hot mustard will put a swag in your sag! Keeps the bugs out of your trailer.

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