Over the Hill - Quick Gifts to make with Funny Quotes & Poems

Some may be rated X; sorry.
I just collect them. (((hugs)))
Small Note:    Copyright on poems have to stay with the poems - please.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags.
Please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
As for my belly, Please take it away.
Keep me healthy, Keep me young,
And thank you Lord, For all you've done!!!!!

Complaint doll Gas
Constipation
Forgetfulness
Arthritis
Baldness
Deafness
Wrinkles
Old age ailments come in all shapes and sizes.
To alleviate, insert pins where each symptom arises!
Age spots

Bald man's hairbrush
For the folically challenged: just a plain paddle, no bristles.

Benefits of getting older
1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
8. Things you buy won't wear out.
9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
10. You eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
11. You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
16. You get into a heated argument about medicare.
17. You got cable TV for the weather channel.
18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

birthday ideas
Ideas: A mug filled with foam with wooden skewers and leaves. On each wooden pick place a prune ( you could use lollipops instead) 50 sucks or to give you get up and go when your get up has went.
A box or assorted items: Bran Cereal ( to keep you going)
A magnifying glass: for that print that seems to be getting smaller.
A whistle: for when you fall and can't get up
A paddle and ball: for your daily exercise
Assorted bottles of candy (pills) Be sure to include blue ones (Viagara)
A cane with a horn attached: To let people know you are coming
A mirrow: to reflect on past achievements
If the person plays cards, get a pack of the large print ones
A roll of duct tape: for double chin or tummy tuck
Aspirin: for all the new little aches and pains
Hugs and Kisses: because we really love you

Daily agenda
thank god for waking up
eat
cry & moan
take my aching pills
rest
eat some more
complain some more
eat again
apply my wrinkle cream
go to sleep.

diaper cake
The "OVER THE HILL" Diaper Cake. Imagine the look on their face when they get this gift. And the reaction of all the guests there to celebrate this Milestone Birthday .This cake will be the hit of the party and the most talked about gift there. It would also make a great centerpiece for the table.

This cake can include any of the following:
Depends Diapers
1 Hemorrhoidal ointment
1 Tums
1 Fixodent
1 Denture toothbrush
1 Denture toothbrush cap
1 Denture bath
1 bottle Aspirin
1 Laxative
1 pepto bismal tablets
1 roll Fiber Choice tablets
1 Daily pill box holder
I will have all of these, or replacements of what I didn't have so you will have the same amount of items as listed above.
All decorated with lots of black, gray, white and silver curly ribbon, and suckers that have the ages of either 30, 40, or 50 on them, if available and if requested. The cake is then put in a cellophane bag with lots of curly ribbon on top, and a gift card. What a memorable gift !! One that they will never forget !!

Don't cry OTH BD kit
hat
fortune cookies
mug
coupon book
chocolates
candle

Emergency diaper
THIS EMERGENCY "DIAPER" YOU CAN "DEPEND" ON, COMES IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND IT'S FASHIONED LIKE THE BOX YOU BREAK INTO WHEN THERE'S A FIRE. IT EVEN HAS IT'S OWN LITTLE AXE (PLASTIC, OF COURSE) WHICH HANGS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.
AT THE TOP OF THE BOX IT SAYS:

"IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK OPEN"
THE BACK OF THE BOX HAS A FUNNY POEM WHICH READS"
"IF YOU JUST GOTTA GO
AND YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE YOUR BLADDER COMPLY,
JUST BREAK THIS OPEN
AND HERE'S TO HOPE'N
YOU WILL STAY DEPENDABLY DRY"

GETTING OLDER
... Aspirin...for all the new little aches and pains
... Baby Food...to help you adjust to softer foods
... Blue M&Ms or Skittles- Generic Viagra
... Cane (candy cane would work)
... Fireball Candy...to put the fire back into your life
... Hug and Kiss.- because I really do love you
... Instant Hair Grow...to replace the hair you will lose (I got a small spray bottle and made a label on my computer with "Instant Hair Grow" Spray once every day)
... Magnifying Glass...to help you when you read
... Rubber band...to give you your flexibility back
...Small Box of Bran Flakes
... Starburst Candy...for extra energy
... Toothpicks - to help prop your eyes open so you don't fall asleep.
... While you were Napping Pad - so you don't miss any messages while you are napping (I made these on the computer also, and then padded them).
...Whistle - for when you've fallen and you can't get up.
Submitted by Paulette

Getting old sucks
Glue on cotton batting to lollipops to look like old folks.

#1 -

Since today is your Birthday
I want to wish you luck
Cause you aren't getting any younger
And getting old sure SUCKS!
katieangelamber © 2004

#2 -

Yeah it's true that
getting old sucks,
but you still look like
a million bucks!
shirleyt@craftsayings.com ©2004

#3 -

Have your thighs run amok?
There's no spring in your cluck?
Need a nip and a tuck?
Blame it on getting old...it sucks!
© 2004 Jennifer Byerly

#4 -

Get old really sucks
but thing could be worst
at least you're alive and kicking
and not stuck in a hearse!
~sue Pitchfork~

#5 -

I may need some nips and tucks;
I may have aching feet.
Yes, getting old surely sucks
But I'm still awfully sweet!
©2004 Kelli Williams

#6 -

Graying hair and glasses
Are really not bad luck,
They're just a sign of getting old
And getting old does suck!
©2004 Kelli Williams

#7 -

I may buy Ben Gay in a tube
That's super-size-deluxe,
But I have to soothe these bones
'Cause getting old sure sucks!
©2004 Kelli Williams

#8 -

I looked forward to retirement
Scrimped and saved all my bucks
Now I've forgotten where I hid them
Getting Old Really Sucks!
©2004Joy Prance

#9 -

I may look like a million dollars
But really I'm pushing my luck
I've had so many plastic surgeries
It tells me getting old really sucks
katieangelamber © 2004
Hair Restoration Kit
In a craft bag put a lock of hair & a graphic of a bottle that reads: super duper glue.
Tag:
At last a product you can depend on!
No need for a hat,
No need to be shy,
With this new hairdo
You'll be a new guy!
See back of package for instructions; & Before & After picture.
On the back:
Before - grumpy, bald old man After - young man with hair
Some assembly required.
All natural & unscented; adhesive included in package
---Carmen
hearing enhancer (megaphone)
Directions: hold small end to ear to hear
Batteries not required
Super-duper acoustic booster

Hot flash kit
sister many menopause tissues - the perfect tissues to wipe away the 'dew' caused by hot flashes
- cooleze - ice pack to 'cool her off' when a flash ocurs
- magical menopausal elimination spray - one shot will creat a 'menopause-free zone' around her
- 0 to bithe in 10 seconds - joke book
- hot flash mints
- menopause caution sign - triangle shape with menopause woman on board
- box of new chick chocolates survivor

I'm a senior citizen
- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8 p.m.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid.
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the "initialstate" of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP
- I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.

Instand Old Age kit
cotton ball - to put in your ears
pebble - to put in your shoe
rubber gloves - to wear
petroleum jelly - smear all over your glasses
~~ jazbo 22.02.12

JELLY BEANS
( Eat the color that signifies your symptom,
or on a really bad day. Eat the whole bag !! )

Black is for the sadness and despair
That comes with getting old
Purple is for the color of your hair
That you'll keep under a scarf and rolled
Red is for the arthritis and hurt
Your feeling more and more
White is for your memory
That you've already lost, I'm sure
Green is for the constipation
More fiber is what you'll need
Orange is for the deafness
Don't worry, You'll learn to lip-read
Pink is for the wrinkles
I'm sorry, But you'll have many
And Yellow is for the sex
Because you won't be getting any

make-up kit:
...makeup brush - a cheap paint brush for painting walls.
...Putty knife - for applying make-up
...Pot scrubber - for giving yourself a facial
...Preparation H - for those little baggies under the eyes
...lotion - for when you look down & notice you are wearing alligator shoes, then remember you aren't wearing any shoes.

Old Age Games to Play
Sag, You're It
Hide & Go Pee
20 Questions shouted into your good ear
Kick the Bucket
Musical Recliners
Simon says something incoherent
Pin the toupee on the bald guy
Red Rover, Red Rover - Nurse says bend over
Spin the bottle of Mylanta

Doc, Doc, Goose
...Exercise: (you know the one) -
1. place block in center of the room
2. walk around the block a couple of times
3. rest! after all, you've walked around the block 2 times!!

parking permit
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE EXPIRATION DATE, YOU'LL EXPIRE BEFORE IT DOES.
(THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE HANDICAP MIRROR PERMITS. BUT THIS ONE IS STRICTLY FOR OVER THE HILLERS.)

#1 -

pills
(use jelly beans in a large prescription bottle)
Gas-- yellow
Constipation--green
Forgetfulness--black
Arthritis--purple
Baldness--white
Deafness--orange
Wrinkles--pink
Sex--red
The red pill may be cut into fourths if needed.

#2 -

( Eat the color that signifies your symptom, or on a really bad day. Eat the whole bag !! )

Black is for the sadness and despair
That comes with getting old
Purple is for the color of your hair
That you'll keep under a scarf and rolled
Red is for the arthritis and hurt
Your feeling more and more
White is for your memory
That you've already lost, I'm sure
Green is for the constipation
More fiber is what you'll need
Orange is for the deafness
Don't worry, You'll learn to lip-read
Pink is for the wrinkles
I'm sorry, But you'll have many
And Yellow is for the sex
Because you won't be getting any

Here's some different ones:
...For wrinkles - take 1 orange pill
...For arthritis - 1 blue
...For senility - 1 red
...For deafness - 1 yellow
...for baldness - 1 black
...for infertility - 1 of each

"Your hair is now starting to turn gray,
You find a new wrinkle every day.
You notice that your step is slower,
You find your body parts getting lower.
This might come as a bitter pill,
But don't look now- You're over the hill!

PRUNE BOQUET
A floral arrangement with purple flowers and put the little packages of prune on wire and inserted them in the bouquet so they were always fresh
OR -
50 prune bouquet.
If you make the yoyos its a 3 inch circle of purple felt.
Make your yoyo , put on a wooden skewer as jazbo said add a leaf they turn out real cute for "An Old Prune" -- julie

#1 -

For a "regular" kind of person
"Moving slowly" is truly no fun.
Partake of a prune from this bouquet
And you'll soon be "on the run"!

#2 -

When things aren't moving along quite up to speed
This bouquet of prunes is what you need
You could even say they are "Heaven sent"
When your 'get up and go' has got up and went!

#3 -

You're over the hill now, you surely know
Constipation's no surprise,
We all know the way to save the day
It's right here before your eyes!
You're over the hill now, and thus it seems
To keep your old body from ruin,
An aspirin a day keeps arthritis at bay,
To keep "going", just pluck a prune!

Notes from Marie:
? I've also put individual prunes wrapped in either Saran or cellophane on a bamboo skewer. ? You could black spray paint either an inexpensive glass/plastic vase or basket depending on how big a bouquet you want to make; also spray paint baby's breath black to use as filler (or you could leave it white for contrast).

Puns
...Address book: because your old one has mostly names that begin with "Dr."
...advil - for all the little aches & pains
...Age Spots Remover...bag topper label over a small sheet of sandpaper
...alarm whistle - for when you have fallen & can't get up
...Antacid tablets - for when you have too much fire at night
...Anti-wrinkle cream - for when you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks & discover you're not wearing any.
...Anti wrinkle soap - any bar of soap
...Aspirin: for all the new little aches & pains
...Baby bib - to catch the drooling when napping
...Baby food: to help you adjust to softer foods
...Bag of prunes
...Balloon- to Hold all that hot air you're full of.
...bath oil - relax daily & count your blessings
...belly button brush - when you need a little dusting & cleaning
...Ben Gay: because at the breakfast table you hear snap!, crackle! & pop!, & you're not eating cereal
...bib - for when you dribble
...Blue M&M's or Skittles: generic Viagra
...bottle of wine - for when you want to whine
...bran flakes - to keep you going; to keep you regular
...Bran muffin recipe
...Cane - because 3 legs are better than two
...cane with a horn
...Clock - for all those 'senior moments'
---CONGRATULATIONS!! You know you qualify for the "Over the Hill' gang when -
- you don't know how you got over the hill without getting to the top
- it takes 2 tries to get up from the couch
- you get winded playing games on the computer
...Crying Towel
...A cup for their teeth - because you & your teeth don't sleep together
...Denture cleaner - because your teeth are like stars - they come out at night!
...Diaper - depends, use as needed; ..because everything either dries up or leaks LOL; the bladder is the first to go; ----is such a baby
...Dye to hide the grey
...Ex-Lax, All Bran or Prunes (To keep you regular)
...Fan - for hot flashes
...Fireball candy: to put some fire back into your life
...Geritol,
...flashlight - to help you find things
...Hawaiian lei - old timer's lucky 'lei'
...Hugs & Kisses: a sweet way to say 'I love you'
...instant face lift - a small roll of duct tape
...Instant Hair Grower: to replace the hair you will lose (get a small spray bottle & make a label
- Instant Hair Grow: spray once every day
...Large print playing cards, books, etc
...loose marbles - to replace those lost; for when you have lost yours
...make-up brush - a cheap paint brush for painting walls
...Magnifying glass - for reading really small print
...marbles - for when you lose yours
...Memory Pills: take as needed for those 'senior moments';
...mini fly swatter - for those little things that bug you
...Mint- to help you remember all the things you"MINT" to do.
...night light - for frequent potty trips in the night
...Note Book (For the things you forget)
..."Now what in the world did I come here for?" Memory Jogger (mini post-a-note pad on string to put around neck; to jot down the things you don't want to forget
...Oil of Old Age - use daily
...over the hill dammit doll -
...Paper clip- to help you hold it all together
... Picture of buzzard/ old buzzard - : for when you wake up & look just like your driver's license photo
...polident - for that dazzling smile; because your teeth are like stars - they come out at night
...popcorn - still popping
...Prep-H....as you get older, things get to be a 'pain in the butt'!!; you are a pain in the butt; life gets to be a pain in the a**
...reading glasses - from the dollar store, .real strong ones, so you can read all those Rx's bottles!!
...roll of Pennies -to help you get a start on your retirement fund.
...Rubber band - to give you your flexibility back
...Screws (incase you lose some)
...Screwdriver (to tighten up loose screws)
...Small box of Bran Flakes - to keep you regular
... Small funnel /hearing aid - because you wonder why everyone has started to mumble
...small treasure chest: because you have entered the metallic age - silver hair, gold teeth & lead bottom.
...Spring clothes pin - to clip to nose to stop snoring
...Starburst candy - for extra energy
...stick of dynamite for laxative......
... A String - to keep your glasses nearby; a child's springy leash would be funny
...survival guide - you never know, so just be prepared
... A tag that says "Priceless Antique"
...talc - to take the shine off the bald head....
...teddy bear - to help you ?bear' you age well
...Toilet Targets - Avoid embarrassing misses. Better aim, less shame!
Just make up some small paper bull's eye targets!
... Toothless comb - : because your head resembles Heaven - there is no parting there.
...Toothpicks - to help prop your eyes open so you don't fall asleep every time you sit down
... Toupee/wig glue - circle of carpet remnant & a tube of super glue
...Toy car - to help you overcome that urge to buy a red, convertible sports car
... Tweezers - -to remove chin hairs, nose hairs, or ear hairs; because your ears & nose are hairier than your head!
... Tylenol for the aches and pains; because your back goes out more than you do!
... Vitamins,
...While You Were Napping post-its - so you don't miss any messages while you were napping
...Whistle - for when you fall & you can't get up
... A yo yo - for strenuous exercise or ( A ball and paddle)

Quotes
...At my age, everything I buy comes with a lifetime guarantee.
...at my age, flowers scare me
...Cremation: think outside the box
...Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege. Irish saying
...everybody whispers
...Going out is good. Coming home is better
...Goodbye tension! hello pension
...I'm not old. I'm just chronologically gifted
...I'm retired. I was tired yesterday, & I'm tried again today.
...i'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.
...It's nice to be here. at my age it's nice to be anywhere.
...I was at the beauty shop for hearly 2 hours. that was only for the estimate
...Quit worrying about your health. it'll go away.
...Remember when your mother said "wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident?" Now you bring clean underwear in case you have an accident
...Senior's alphabet soup - new large type
...The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore
...what used to be freckles are now liver spots
...With age comes wisdom .. & discounts
...you have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear.
...You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it
...Your kids are becoming you, & you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect.

Rich
Silver in the hair
Gold in the teeth
Crystals in the kidneys
Lead in the a**
Iron in the arteries
and an inexhaustible supple of natural gas

SENIOR CITIZEN'S MONEY CLIP
Leave enough space in the middle to glue a penny in a paper clip.

Senior citizen anti-stress
...band aid - a remedy to cushion life's hurts
...belly button brush - so you will always look your best
...dime-on pin - so you will never be broke
...marbles - in case you've lost yours
...pain caplets - for all those aches & pains
...polident tablets - for that ?dazzling' smile
...swatter - for all those little things that bug you
...toothpicks - to prop your eyelids open after 7:00 p.m.

Shredded wheat in a little bag.
The card topper says:
" My wild oats have turned into shredded wheat"

Snore stopper
spring-type clothespin
Silences senior seismic sinus sounds

Survival kit
Concentrated Hair Dye - Gray B Gone Hair Dye
Wrinkle Soap - Anti-Aging Over The Hill Soap
Micacle Formula Over the Hill Survival Pills (All Purpose Antidote for Aging)
Get Up & go - Dietary Fiber
Spare Parts - Chattering Teeth
Miracle Formula Removes Sags & Bags - Oil of Old Age industrial Strength.

Sayings
Age is a pretty high price to pay for maturity.
Don't worry about wrinkles they're just antique smiles
For the unlearned old age is winter: for the learned it is the season of harvest.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
I'm chronologically gifted It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's not how old you are, but how you are old.

Retirement: Twice as much husband, half as much money.
Retirement: When you stop making a living and start making a life.

The Golden Years The trick is to live a long time without growing old.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.